Happy Collop Monday, One And All!

Welcome to the weird little stop-gap between Valentine's Day and Shrove Tuesday. It's perfect for people rejected in love, because they can legitimately comfort eat to their heart's inevitable failure. Some call this convergence of two seemingly unconnected events 'natural selection'.

Here's some Valentine's Day facts:

• Vernon Kay singlehandedly catapulted the UK out of recession last week. Thorntons, Vodaphone and Interflora are said to be "delighted".
• Too many butchers miss a sales opportunity on Valentine's Day. A bit of clever merchandising could get shot of all those sheep hearts.
• Everybody is compelled to get into the spirit of the day by feasting on as many human hearts as possible. If this doesn't make you more romantic, it does at least get you in touch with your inner Klingon.
• As of today, everyone can delight in the incompetence of certain over-zealous HMV managers, now struggling with their vast overstocks of unsold (and now unsellable) love songs compilations they ordered without sale-or-return deals in place. Bastards.
• As ever, Frank Sinatra sales were up. Nothing like a bit of Ol' Blue Lips on Valentine's Day. *Other dead crooners with Mafia ties are available.
• Don't forget, you can turn your Valentine's Card upside down and re-use it for St Arse's Day.
• Don't worry if you didn't get a card. The greetings card industry will create more opportunities for disappointment over time.
• You only have to buy Valentine's cards once, in theory. If you trick that person into dating then marrying you, job done.
• Not romantically inclined but still get 'those' urges? Just save your money for St Fuckbuddy's Day.
• Judge the personality and greed of your prospective Valentine by seeing her reaction to foregoing a restaurant for a ready meal.
• Being shot through the heart by a naked flying baby is some people's idea of romance. There are specialist sites for this, apparently.
• Dates are difficult to get through, expensive for what they are, and can leave a bitter taste in your mouth. Good in cakes, though.
• Remember, some people don't like kidnapping, so you may have to rethink your Valentine's Day plans for next year.
• For every bear sold for Valentine's Day, Clinton Cards execute a real grizzly bear.
• "Valentine" is an anagram of "An Evil Net". Just a coincidence.
• Be careful: "Will you be my Valentine?" is an MI5 trigger phrase for executing the nearest ten people to yourself by snipers.
• The British government are encouraging Mormonism to drive the economy through Valentine's Day.
• Vernon Kay leaves his cards signed with a "?" for 2 reasons. It's just in case Tess finds out, and because he can't spell his name.
• Alex Zane marks all of his Valentine's card envelopes "return to sender".
• Guantanamo Bay is being replaced by the recently discovered Cupid Snare found in the Neverland Ranch.
• Valentine's Day was started by late actor Valentine Dyall, and was originally about Masonic handshakes.
• A romantic and a Roman tic are two different things, but both can involve togas.
• February is a short month, so that you can get to payday quicker after spending your entire wages on anonymously-signed cards and highly-flammable bears instead of food.

Anyhoo, hope you had a good Valentine's Day either way, and if you were hoping for success but it didn't happen, didn't get upset by the heavy commercialism informing you that February 14th is the only day in the year you can get your end away.

So, in preparation for Pancake Day...

• Chris Brown loves Pancake Day. The things that man can do with a good batter.
• "Don't forget the pancakes on Jif Lemon Day" was a slogan for the Altzheimer's Society.
• The art of pancake flipping was invented by Stuart Hall for It's A Knockout, as was making royalty look like cunts.
• If you feed a chicken the right ingredients, its eggs will contain ready-made pancake batter.
• PANCAKE stands for Protocol Activation: Non-Christ-Associated Kulinary Exercise.
• Pancakes are omelettes for the greedy.
• It is illegal to make pancakes on any other day of the year.
• Ash Wednesday is about the various houses that have been burned down from people who aren't used to cooking anything more complicated than toast.
• Syphon off a little petrol from your neighbour's car to make sure your pancakes are cooked thoroughly and quickly.
• If you don't have a frying pan (or your gas has been cut off), simply pour the mixture into a toaster.
• If you're not adventurous, you could always prepare yourself a Findus Crispy Pancake. Make sure it's not a beef one.
• When you inevitably start vomiting, try not to think that you've been dragged into yet another mass-event that you don't know or care about the origin of.
• Loved one in prison after 'that' event on Valentine's Day? A pancake is a great way of hiding a file for those pesky bars.
• On Shrove Tuesday, pancakes can actually be used as legal tender in any shop, apart from Wilkinson's.
• Addicted to pancakes, but want to quit? You can get patches from any pharmacy that will allow controlled amounts of yolk, albumen, glucose, citric acid and saturated fat into your bloodstream.
• If that doesn't work, you can always run these phrases through your head like a mantra: "fat bastard", "it came out of a chicken's arse", "there's that tingling in your left arm again", "I can't get what Edwina Currie said out of my head", and "oh, fuck, I just thought of Edwina Currie, and now I've got a picture of her and John Major in my head."

Hope you enjoy tomorrow. Whatever your faith (or lack thereof), we must all celebrate the time that Jebus used up all the crap left in his fridge and cupboard before payday.