Stu Hall's Letters From Canada #2

Boris Johnson on Crack

In May 2008, Londoners voted for Boris Johnson to become their mayor and in December 2010, the people of Toronto voted for Rob Ford to become their mayor. It seems that on both sides of the Atlantic, on the other side of a couple of fences, there was a hell of a lot of green grass.

There are similarities between the two mayors. They were both voted in because people were apathetic to their predecessors, but the main similarity is that they are both buffoons. In appearance, Toronto mayor Rob Ford shares a striking resemblance to both the arch nemesis of Danger Mouse, Baron Von Greenback, and to the James Bond Villian, Goldfinger.

Both mayors can be infantile, although in the childishness stakes, Rob Ford comes out on top. His brother, Doug Ford, also works in government and is not afraid of wading in with his massive mouth like he is auditioning for some angsty playground confrontation scene from Waterloo Road.

Everyone in Toronto would like subways. But, if they had the option, everyone in Toronto would also like to skip through Homer Simpson’s Chocolate Fantasy Land in place of their daily commute. Ever since someone lost all the money in the world, most people accept that both options are equally irresponsible. Except Rob Ford (and Doug). He wants subways, and he resists answering questions from the media. He literally stands at conferences and repeats “Tax-payers want subways, it’s what tax-payers want, it’s all about subways”. Jeremy Paxman would wring his fucking neck.

As a compromise, most TAX-PAYERS and the city council want a light railway like the London Docklands. But... Rob Ford repeats his mantra, “TAX-PAYERS WANT SUBWAYS, nah-nah-nah, I can’t hear you!”

Rob Ford has been arrested for possession of marijuana

Accused of fighting a student American Football player

Accused twice of driving whilst using a mobile phone

Called three councillors “two steps left of Joe Stalin”

Called an opponent a “gino” (an ethnic slur against Italian-Canadians)

Said “I don’t understand a transgender, I don’t understand, is it a guy dressed up like a girl or a girl dressed up like a guy? And we’re funding this for, I don’t know, what does it say here? We’re giving them $3,210?”

Avoided attending Gay Pride

Was ejected from an Ice Hockey arena by security after swearing at a couple

Suggested that women get AIDS by having sex with bi-sexual men

When a TV presenter from a satirical news show tried to interview him in his drive, he called Police 3 times and swore at the operator when police were not forthcoming

Said that “Those Orientals work like dogs” (“orientals” is politically incorrect in North America and so is calling people dogs).

Said "my heart bleeds for them [cyclists] when one of them gets killed... but... it's their own fault"

Boris Johnson looks like a tit on his Have I Got News For You appearances, gets locked out of his home by his angry wife right in-front of the media as he returns home from a jog, misses several times when he shoots at a basketball hoop (again, before the press) and talks nonsense about bendy-busses. Basically, he is cuddly and cute even when he is patronising the people of Papua New Guinea for living lives of "bourgeois domesticity". Can we have him please?