Pope 101

If you didn't already know, the world's most famous former Hitler Youth member arrived in the UK yesterday, with literally some people flocking to kiss his ring as his jackboots goose-stepped across the runway. While they sort out which B&B he'll be staying in, here's a Pope factgasm.

• On his visit, Pope Benedict will meet up with surviving co-stars from The A-Team.
• Not wanting to use public toilets, Pope Benedict has been offered full use of his own woods, guarded by bears in funny hats.
• A special edition of This Is Your Life is being planned for the Pope, featuring old friends from the Hitler Youth.
• Pope Benedict is the first ever atheist Pope.
• Before he was Pope, Joseph Ratzinger had legions of fans as postman Cliff Claven in TV's Cheers.
• To bring the Catholic Church into the 21st century, he will now be known as the iPope.
• Pope Benedict thinks that Hitler had "some really good ideas".
• Pope Benedict is played by "It Ain't Half Hot, Mum" star Melvyn Hayes.
• If his leadership is ever challenged by one of his cardinals, they decide the winner in a Pope-off.
• The Pope's been banned from Twitter for endless spam about Justin Bieber. 
• The Pope has looked at you in your bathroom on Google Street View.
• The Pope will be conducting a ritual to raise Robert Runcie from the dead.
• The Pope doesn't believe in the existence of Richard Dawkins.
• The Pope says that it's pure coincidence that his Popemobile looks like a child-enticing ice cream van.
• The Pope will be fired at sub-light speeds around the Large Hadron Collider to create a Higgs-Boson particle.
• The Pope is able to speak several languages, as he has a Teddy Ruxpin-style cassette player embedded in his back.
• The Pope wrote the scene where Del Boy falls through the bar.
• The Pope is hoping that one of the Dragons will invest in his "Catholic Church" idea.
• The Pope is filmed in front of a live studio audience.
• You know that silhouette in the corner of your eye? The creaky floorboard at the dead of night? You'll never guess who that is.
• Despite an acrimonious split, the Pope is eager to rejoin Bananarama.
• Don't make the Pope angry. You won't like him when he's angry.
• The Pope was elected when he won at strip poker.
• The Pope puts things right that once went wrong, hoping each time that his next leap will be the leap home.

• The Pope is an expert at the Vulcan nerve pinch.
• The Pope has "Kneel Before Zod" tattooed on his inner thigh.
• The Pope often hears "Zuul" being chanted from his fridge.
• The Pope is eager to promote his Catholic Unified Nazarene Teaching Service.
• The Pope has a Diploma In Catholic Knowledge. He proudly shows his D.I.C.K. to anyone who asks.
• It's commonplace for religious leaders to look like a creepy uncle.
• He has inspired the new range of Pope Tarts, in particular dusty old wee-smelling anachronistic bigoted man flavour.
• Poperami. It's a bit of a Catholic.
• He has very anachronistic tastes. He fucking adores Love Thy Neighbour.
• The Pope has a huge range of flavours and an incredible variety of ribbage in his eBay Condom Shoppe. Apparently, he does accept PaPal.
• I hope they keep an eye on the Pope when he's in Boots. The cheeky monkey'll be sticking pins in the condoms, given half a chance.
• The Pope isn't sure if he's back in time, mad, or in a coma.
• If everyone was able to put a restraining order on the Pope and hadn't been hushed up, he would be forced to live on Ganymede.
• The Pope believes that "Something For The Weekend" star Tim Lovejoy is a "tiresome cunt".
• Through the gift of premonition, Ian Fleming based the Child Catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang on Benedict XVI.
• If you say his name into a mirror five times, he will appear.
• The Pope's robes are actually a shape-shifting alien symbiote.

I hope you're all more knowledgeable now about the stinking old man... or more ready for him, at least.

Don't forget to lock your doors and windows tonight. He'll soon be gone...

One Hundred

Ooh, how exciting. This is the 100th post on Dystopian Fuchsia, so I thought I'd do a bumper post of 100 'things', all random crap. It's a bit like the Beano annual or something.

1. The Twitterati.

Oh, how I loathe thee. Twitter shouldn't be about egomaniacs who fail to follow back, famous or not. I have just unfollowed my last famous person that isn't already following me. It turns out the rumours are false; the world does not end if you unfollow Stephen Fry or Jonathan Ross.

The famous ones aren't the worst; it's the Joe and Josephine Publics that believe they're worthy of praise and adoration. I could name a few but if you're on Twitter already, I'm sure you know a few of who I mean.

Anyway, they are cunts, as are Twitter themselves for adding a "Who To Follow" box that you cannot get rid of unless you click on the Xs enough times. The suggestions are all people who are either a) famous, b) won't follow back, or c) a combination of the two. Twitter, as I have discovered in the year or so I've been on there, is much more entertaining when you meet people who aren't famous, who bother conversing with you, and aren't on there to have their egos stroked every time they log in.

I'll do a #FuhFuh follow suggestion list a bit later on.

NEXT!

2. This woman is scum. 

Her crime? She pissed on a cenotaph, amongst other things. Disgraceful behaviour; it's a shame that Shit Britons 2010 has already happened. Click on the picture to read the full story.

And people wonder why I have misanthropist tendencies. Hmph.

3. Bees. 

Bees are great. But bees are in decline.

Unless you try to get in through my front gate, in which case you'll encounter up to 20 of the fuckers at a time swarming around my lavender.

However, now summer's over, they've decided to morph into wasps.

Wasps are cunts. Needlessly aggressive, they'll attack you even if you're not bothering them. They are the chav scum of the insect world.

Bees are lovely, though. Get some lavender. They fucking love it.

4. Children's Television: The Re-Imagining: Thundercats

Panthro jumped majestically into the Thundertank, but deftly leapt back out again. The little bastard had done it again. Lion-O, Lord of the Thundercats, had sprayed the interior of the mighty machine with malodorous instinct. He harrumphed, and proceeded to cover it up with his own. The Thundertank was his again.

He'd had enough of the young upstart. It was bad enough when he found he'd defecated in his boots and used his nunchaku as a makeshift scratching post, but now he'd gone too far. Sniffing the air, he returned to the Thundertank, and made his way back to Cats' Lair, polluting the clean air of Third Earth with vile, alien smoke.

On the way, he encountered Tigra. Panthro wasn't keen on his striped colleague, being yet another challenger to the alpha male crown, but his motivations and politics were also a little suspect, viewing the Mutants as "disgusting immigrants" who should "go back where they came from" (missing the point that he too was not from this world). Panthro merely tolerated his presence, though was tired of the ritual they always found themselves performing on journeys back home, both hissing at each other randomly, swiping at each other with vicious claws. Though they had evolved to the stage of Felis Sapiens, bipedal cats of generally decent intelligence, some paths from their evolutionary past would be forever walked.

A small thump encountered the Thundertank's armoured hull, and they drew to a halt. They had hit Snarf, whose red fur now decorated the Thundertank's caterpillar tracks like a carnival float. Panthro sighed; on top of everything else, he'd have to find a similar-looking creature to replace him without Lion-O suspecting. Due to his cruel treatment of Robear Burbles, he'd gone through several of those in a short time. For a Lord, he really was an annoying little shit. Finding a large enough cardboard box, and using his Thunderspade, Snarf troubled the idyllic landscape no more, and they were once more on their way.

Suddenly, both surviving Thundercats felt a surge of power, as the symbol of their people appeared in a glowing red circle in the sky, blotting out the sun. Why their people had chosen the head of one of their ancient ancestors, a quadrapedal beast, as their symbol had always been baffling to Panthro; it was like the humans native to this world using an ape as their symbol. Ah well. They were practically a dead civilisation. No point worrying about it now.

Following the symbol to its source, they found Lion-O, Sword of Omens aloft, panting and primal, the smell of sex and shame in the air. Covered in multiple scratches, he wailed. "Get her! She's too fast for me! As Lord of the Thundercats, you must obey me and help me!"

Panthro sighed. Not again. He kept trying to have his way with Cheetara ("Thundercats' Ho," as she was called behind closed doors), but she used her natural speed to her advantage. Enough was enough. Although it would probably mean the end of their species, he had to go through the process that each of them had gone through on their beloved Thundera. Since the death of Obi-Wan  Jaga, Chief Neuterer of the Thundercats, that grisly task now fell to him and the business end of his nunchaku. Tigra reached for his whip, taking great pleasure in the task at hand. A little too much pleasure, Panthro noted.

5. Shit visual pun.

Is this a digger I see before me?

See, I told you it was shit.


6. Transformers: War For Cybertron.


Holy crap, they've actually released a decent Transformers game at last. Get it. It's wonderful. The online bits are also good fun. And I fucking hate online gaming. Really fucking hate it.


The best thing? They've ignored the Bay universe, so they actually look like Transformers, not Bionicles. Nice.


7. Casualty. Old school Casualty, that is.

I bought the first 3 series on DVD for fairly cheap recently, from 1986-1988. It's utterly brilliant stuff, great television. The programme itself is a guilty pleasure of mine as it is now, so it's nice to see its roots. The recent episode where original character Megan Roach (Brenda Fricker) was assisted to suicide by Charlie and Tess was one of the most moving pieces of television I've seen all year, and should win all sorts of awards if there's any justice.

Casualty is brilliant. Always has been. Especially now that Will Mellor is nowhere fucking near it.

8. Star Trek.

Yeah, everyone loves the new film. I sort of like it as well. But I'm all shades of fucked off with it too.

It's destroyed established continuity, effectively removing Next Gen and DS9 from existence (though Voyager too, so it has its pluses). I got Roberto Orci to put the line "are you out of your Vulcan mind?" into it, so that's a plus for me too. But they fucked up Stardates. They fucked up Kirk's history. They fucked up the Vulcans. And they really, really fucked up the Romulans ("Hi, Christopher, I'm Nero").

"Not your father's Star Trek," they bleated. Too fucking right. My father's not an easily-pleased tit.

9. So, there's loads of building work going on outside my place of work. They seem to be taking ages with it. I think I've discovered why.

They've had to order in loads of extra purple and black Play-Doh to carry on. Nice to see the building industry's ticking along nicely with the highest quality materials.

10. The New Labour Shit But Fun Crossword

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Across 2. Illiterate recovering alcoholic mass murderer grows in your garden? 4. Initially speaking, Blair couldn't find these in Iraq 7. Brown calls old women this in cars 9. Mean Old Serpent (anag.) 10. Sam the Eagle's twin with misplaced affection

Down 1. Professor Brian Cox helped D:REAM up their election song 3. Bad, dim invalid (anag.) 5. Texture like sun? 6. Book section many believe Blair's should be in 8. Has comically-named candidate ballsed up his chances?

11. Tekken.

I have seen the Tekken movie. Good old straight-to-DVD fare. I've decided to list its pros and cons.

Pros

They've made a decent effort to make the characters look like they do in the games.

Cons

Actually, there's too many to list, and you'll get as bored as I did watching it. Just play Tekken 3 instead, and none of its dire sequels. Though it has got Luke Goss in it, so if that's your bag, um, by all means give it a look.

12. Grandma's House

... AKA The Sitcom With Simon Amstell. It's nice to be pleasantly surprised by something. It's well worth a watch, some witty dialogue, suitably uncomfortable scenarios, Amstell not really acting and Rebecca Front being superb as his fictional mother. Give it a try. It's like a Jewish Royle Family with funny bits.

13. Cowards

I recently caught this for the first time. For a long while, there have been very few, if any, decent sketch shows on the BBC. Thankfully, that long tradition is firmly upheld by this load of rubbish. I watched half an episode. There was some crap about some judges on a cigarette break, and then there was some crap about someone finding his way around a building by peeing on the walls. There was no laughter track, so at least they were brutally honest about that. Shockingly poor.

14. John Bishop

Looking like Bez after a makeover show, John Bishop is apparently a comedian. Actually, that's a bit harsh. He has come up with one or two funny lines on Have I Got News For You in the past, but he's now crossed the line over to Generic Light Entertainment and has therefore lost all integrity by selling out so readily. His programme, John Bishop's Britain, has the same "everything I do or say is hilarious and fuck you if you don't think so" style of Russell Howard's Good News (and Carrott Confidential before that). Blandly citing 'humorous' snippets of his life (as though the audience care about him like he was Norman fucking Wisdom), he delved directly into the lazy, casual racism of portraying the Welsh as a bunch of backwards sheep farmers. The BBC allow this to still happen. Heaven help him if he ever makes Irishman jokes.

Cunt.

15. I don't know why, but there's something about this building that makes me really nervous.

16. Big Brother.

Just when I thought it was over forever, they write "dead horse" on the side of it and start whacking it silly until it bleeds from the ears. Ultimate Big Brother features various cunts from the show's past, doing cunty things. I haven't watched any of it this year. I cannot wait to see it go. However, the damage is done, and every person in the UK now thinks they can become famous by going in for any one of the approximately 600 reality shows that have appeared since. Rumoured returning appearances of Jade Goody and Nadia's penis cannot be confirmed at this time. Minor spoiler: the winner pulls off Davina's squirrel-like death mask to reveal their own face underneath, and then gets chased by huge balloons. Hope I haven't ruined it for anyone.

17. X Factor.

Speaking of dire reality TV, here's some more poison that needs to be cured from the system as soon as we can find some medicinal leeches large and hardy enough. I've invented a drinking game for it if you can stomach watching the downfall of British society in hour-long nuggets of depression. Every time someone says "it's my dream", "come on, Simon", or "I'm going to sing Lady Gaga", you drink two fingers of neat bleach. Hopefully it'll become popular with prospective contestants, and we can wipe this scourge from the crying face of the planet once and for all.

18. Look what I got in the post...

Still don't know when my description of the Doctor will end up in one of the books, which book it is or whether I'll be sent a copy, but it's nice to get some good news for a change, right?

19. Speaking of Doctor Who...

Matt Smith. He is absolutely brilliant. I've said it before, but it needs saying again. Hopefully, there won't be any talk of people like Alan Davies being associated with the role again. That would be fucking disastrous. 

One thing that I'm glad about is that series 6 is being split into two parts, the first being shown in the spring with a cliffhanger, the second being shown in the autumn. What this ultimately means is that there won't be as big a wait between series.

What they do need to do is change the theme tune (perhaps phase out Murray Gold and bring in someone else who's less Russell T Daviesy in his approach), and tone down Amy's character, make her less unpleasant. Rory though, good one, Mr Moffat. It creates a bit more of an interesting dynamic.

20. Between The Lines

With not much in the way of good drama on TV these days, I recommend you track this down on DVD. It ran on BBC1 in the early 90s, and is quite refreshing even now in that it focuses on police corruption, the main characters being a team within the force assigned to hunt it down and stamp it out. Brilliantly written, always compelling, if nothing else it'll be an exercise in spotting people who are now famous (but weren't then). They simply don't make police shows this well anymore.

21. ... Which is probably why The Bill was axed.

Seriously, I watched the final episode, and it was dreadful. I stopped watching The Bill back in the mid 90s, and barely recognised anybody this time around. It ended not with the "explosive finale" that ITV promised, but a whimper of a speech.

I used to love The Bill. Don't get me wrong, I'm sad that it's now gone, but it won't make me lose sleep that it has. It seemed too different to what it used to be, all incidental music and cameras zooming around everywhere like their operators didn't give a flying fuck any more. It effectively died years ago. I bought the first series box set last week, and though the pilot episode (when it was called Woodentop) wasn't anything spectacular, it instantly felt like The Bill of old once it got to the first episode proper. Cryer, Burnside, Brownlow... this was the programme I remembered. It used to be great. Then again, so did the audio cassette industry.

22. X-Men: First Class

It's going to be set in the 60s. They're going to have more source-faithful costumes. Cyclops won't be in it but Havok will. Continuity is destroyed further, but who cares? The X-Men on film are usually great fun, though I hope they don't use the Shadow King storyline. Bored me senseless. Anyway, it should be out next year.

23. Kick Ass - The Bare-Bones Review

Back to more recent times, and another comic adaptation. I went in having not read the comic book, so did not know what to expect.

It's the best film I've seen this year. Buy it. 'Nuff said.

24. Building update.

They've got more Play-Doh. Thank god.

I wonder where builders come from.

25. Due for a reboot is Spider-Man, which they're about to start filming. 

Y'know, it may not be a bad thing after they fucked Venom up royally in Spider-Man 3, and I never really bought Tobey Maguire as Peter Parker. Hopefully Andrew Garfield will bring a bit of the wisecracking Spidey into it where his predecessor didn't. Lots of classic villains to get through, hopefully they'll bring the Vulture into it (old Adrian Toomes instead of his rejuvenated self. I reckon either Bill Nighy or Patrick Stewart would be ideal for the role, but we'll see, eh?).

26. Don't make me angry...

I randomly bought The Incredible Hulk season one the other day, because it was a fiver, and I sometimes get dazzled by cheapness versus common sense. However, I do love the series, even if it is just The Littlest Hobo with gamma radiation poisoning. It bears very little relation to its comic counterpart (particularly later on when they bring Daredevil in, in a black costume with Gimli the Dwarf as the Kingpin), but it's still an entertaining show. Even if they couldn't get the name of the main fucking character right. At least Bill Bixby stayed in the role until his death. These days, they can't hold onto a Bruce Banner for more than one fucking film.

27. Shoestring Sci-Fi Part 1 - Shoot the Moon

 "We have to destroy the moon before it hits the Earth!"

 "So close... this is our last chance..."

 "Did the nuke hit it? Wait..."

"... it missed! We're doomed!"

28. BBC Three

Unfortunately, what should have been a great channel is rapidly turning into Living TV's daytime schedule, with dumbed down programme titles attached to dumber programmes featuring and for the dumbest of protoplasm. As I type, Young, Underage and Pregnant is on. Fuck me, euthanasia's never looked so appealing. "Three is the magic number," apparently. Though that would be "magic" in the Paul fucking Daniels sense of the word. Some of the "experimental" comedy that ends up limping onto this channel's schedule makes me weep blood. Embarrassing, insulting and infuriating, the quicker this channel is pulled for a hasty fucking rethink, the better. There's too much TV for thick chavs as it is. Poor show, BBC.

29. Speaking of the entire population blindly following each other like magnetic sheep...

... who or what is Justin Bieber? And is it legal to smother it with a pillow?

Wait, I'll take that back. I'm sick of seeing the little fucker trending on Twitter as it is.

30. Last of the Summer Wine's finally finished...

We've finally seen the end of the wee-smelling adventures of Clegg, (De) Compo and the other one as they hilariously roll down a hill in a bath, and other amusing things, probably. Of course, people complained, saying it was an "institution", believing that because it's been around for a long time, it's obviously a good thing and must live forever. By that logic, they're probably okay with syphilis and Nazism.

Let it die.

31. The one thing you could say about it, though...

... is that every episode, no matter when it was made, looked exactly the same. It's impossible to place the age of individual episodes. Is change a good thing, though? I mean, when the hell did Grange Hill get renamed Waterloo Road? I bet Mrs McClusky's fucking furious.

I think it's part of the BBC's policy to keep employing arrogant former Coronation Street actors in anything at all.

The BBC are really starting to piss me off.

32. EastEnders.

Well, this has certainly been a rollercoaster ride of late. Those fucking annoying kids from E20 (most of whom are now going away, thankfully), Phil on crack, and this week, Peggy's going.

Yep, Baps Windsor is leaving EastEnders. She's pulled her last frothy head, polished her last bell, and will never again put her tipples on the bar.

I'm amazed she never got her tits out.

33. My laptop

It's been dead for a year, but I managed to find a spare battery with enough charge the other day to get it turned on for a few minutes. Thankfully, all my (neglected) novel's still on there, so I'm now inspired to actually get the fucker fixed.

One day, I might actually get that novel finished.

34. Cassetteboy vs Dragons' Den

Utter genius.

35. You know when you're too much of a sad Doctor Who fan when...

... your ears prick up when you end up serving someone with the surname "Auton". This actually happened.

I've yet to serve somebody with the surname "Zygon" or "Nestene-Consciousness".

36. The logic of Tesco

It's a bit fucking difficult getting a trolley onto one of those little metal shelves next to a till. Still, it didn't help one little old dear helping me lift it onto it.

My thoughts go out to her family and loved ones.

37. Crunchie, my arse.

It's not crunchy. It's just a mediocre ice cream filled with space dust. I was all excited when I found these. I should've known something would go wrong. Fuck you, Cadbury.

38. Flakes, fine, but this?

Now I realise they're above the Nobbly Bobblys, but do you find these a little... down market? If there were two of 'em joined together, that'd be a different story altogether.

39. I'm trying to write a script, on and off...

It contains the words "rhinos", "upset" and "potato". You'll probably never hear any more about it.

40. So, Family Guy, then...

I ended up watching some season one episodes the other day. It's like a whole different show. I'm still not sold on Cleveland (or American Dad, for that matter), but the changes they made on the main show were definitely for the best. If they'd carried on the Stewie trying to kill Lois thing any longer, I doubt it would have lasted. If you get the chance, watch the two-hander episode where Brian and Stewie get locked in a bank vault. Superbly made, absolutely no music in the episode, just the two characters speaking. Some disgusting bits, but a very nice character piece nonetheless. Shame they fucked up the DVD numbering in the UK.

41. Survived better than The Simpsons, though...

Yes, it isn't as good as it used to be, and though it's still a great show, it's seen better days. They unfortunately now cater for the hard of thinking a lot more than they used to; for example, if they've got a prescription drug they're looking to lampoon, they'll be very heavy handed in what it's really supposed to be ("but dad, Ambien... I mean, Napien..."). Similarly, they did the same thing with iPods. Laxy, unconfident writing, not as biting a satire as it used to be. Maybe they're trying too hard in the face of stiff opposition. Either way, it's been dumbed down somewhat. A shame.

42. But Futurama's back!

Which is great news. I hate to be drawn into the "it's not as good as The Simpsons" idiocy, as they're both different shows altogether, which just happen to be the brainchildren of the same man, but it IS better than The Simpsons. In my humble opinion. Like Family Guy, it's survived after cancellation due to consistently strong DVD sales and a loyal fan base, but unlike both it and The Simpsons, the quality has been consistent throughout its entire run, with some wonderful visual gags that aren't always signposted, superb voice talent, genuine character development, great sci-fi in-jokes and some brilliant concepts. As soon as the new series starts wherever you are, watch it. And get the entire back catalogue when you can. You won't regret it.

43. Shoestring Sci-Fi Part 2- Terminator 5: Termifelix

"Are you Sarah Connor? Meow."

44. Not everything stays great...

I used to be a massive Red Dwarf fan. Right up until Out Of Time, the last episode of series 6. I even sort of liked series 7. Series 8 was pretty poor. Back to Earth was dreadful. It's like watching an old friend that you used to be close to really going off the rails from a distance, but there's nothing you can do about it.

Watching any episode of the first 6 series reminds me of how great the show was. As soon as Rob Grant left, it was only a matter of time until it all fell apart. I remain optimistic that the next episodes that Dave make will be of a higher quality, without any of the self-referential bobbins littering the last mini-series.

Maybe they need a new showrunner... I know it's Doug Naylor's baby, but maybe they should enforce a change of leadership. In the meantime, watch Legion, Timeslides, Backwards, Dimension Jump, Future Echoes, Stasis Leak... any number of the brilliant episodes of times past.

Disclaimer: I love Red Dwarf. Love it. I just hate to see it fall apart...

45. More from Tesco...

... and what the fuck is this? Bear's blood?

46. Chocolate-coated koala testicles, anyone?

47. I don't know what this is...

... but I imagine it looks and tastes the same coming up as it does going down.

48. Tesco have fished coley to extinction...

... and no fucker's buying it.

49. Keith Chegwin: The Modern Day Fagin

Recently, Keith Chegwin was demonised on Twitter, bringing out the very worst in gang mentality and bullying I've seen on the internet in a long time. Some comedians (the sort who don't follow riff raff like you or I back, let alone sully themselves by actually replying to you) got on their high horses that he had stolen 'their' material, most of which was recycled and/or shit anyway. I've had status updates and tweets nicked before, and though it's annoying, I'm not a professional comedian, so I suppose I'm seeing it from a different perspective than them. Mind you, my status updates and tweets were nicked by a professional comedian, so they can all fuck right off. It's not as if a washed-up recovering alcoholic former child star is going to be troubling our screens, playing pop or otherwise, any time soon anyway.

50. Someone who I would like to see fuck off is...

Patrick Kielty. Why the fuck is that man still on my television? He is not funny, witty, charming, talented or deserving of exposure. Unless it's in the fucking Arctic.

51. Builder eggs

I'm sure you remember item 24 fondly. I wondered where builders came from. I think I've just found out.

They come from crate-shaped eggs. You can just see his head emerging.

You should've seen the size of the fucking stork that brought it.

52. Some things should be left alone...

... but I'm glad this isn't one of them.



53. Not to mention...

The Last Starfighter. Still waiting for it to get released over here, it was the first film I saw in the cinema (26 years ago). Apparently, they're releasing a sequel. Not a remake, a sequel. With (most of) the original cast.

I wonder if Wil Wheaton will return in his role as "Louis's Friend".

54. Controversial viewpoint alert...

Star Wars is good, but isn't as good as people think, or have been conditioned to think.

55. My PlayStation 3 died...

... but I got it replaced. With another original 60GB model.

Life seemed a lot emptier in the month I didn't have it, though ironically I don't play many games on it. Still, it's great to see my 3 year old daughter playing Lego Indiana Jones like a pro on it again. She had a go of Katamari earlier, and mastered it a lot quicker than most adults I know...

56. New Bad Religion album due!

About frigging time. Due out at the end of this month, The Dissent of Man is their 15th studio album. Two tracks have been released so far...





Wonderful. Time to break out my Crossbuster t-shirt.

57. Blogger stats...

I'm a bit concerned that one of the keyword searches that brought someone to my site was "paedo cartoon".

58. Some things can never be cool...

... no matter how you dress it up.

59. Things you never realised before but are obvious when you think about it

The sky is a grumpy cyclops that cries seagulls.

60. Guilty pleasure alert

Back in the 80s and early 90s, I loved the Turtles, even when the BBC fucked around with it, edited out all traces of Michelangelo's nunchaku, removed any mention of the word "ninja", even changed the title to Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles. I mean, for fuck's sake.

The origins stretch back to a black and white comic created by Kevin Eastman and Peter Laird, and was a lot more gritty and violent than its more famous animated counterpart (in fact, the still pretty good first two Turtles cinematic releases were largely based on the first few graphic novels). However, I still have a soft spot for the 1987 animated series. It was very much of its time, but had a brilliantly animated title sequence, and before it jumped the shark after a couple of series (and that's a non-mutant, Fonz-related shark) was a sturdy, reliable 'toon.

In 2003, a new animated series was launched, bearing hardly any resemblance to its 1987 predecessor, featuring that awful animation style that's infested modern cartoons like a fucking plague, all angles and stylised anatomy. It was closer in tone to the original comics, though, featuring the Utrons and omitting the Punk Frogs. It was certainly better than the godawful Ninja Turtles: The Next Mutation live action series from Saban.

To celebrate the 25th anniversary, a feature-length cartoon was made, Turtles Forever (just released on DVD in the US, yet to get a release over here, but don't hold your breath), starring the 2003 interpretation of the characters, but, in a  genius piece of storytelling (it makes no sense, but is fan-pleasing nonetheless), the 1987 Turtles star alongside them, both sets of Turtles remaining in character and clashing with their counterparts - basically, the walls between realities are crumbling, the premise being that every version of the Turtles have existed in parallel universes. The ultimate fan-pleasing event is when both groups end up in a black and white reality populated by the original, gritty, comic book Turtles. It's so bizarre, but compelling and entertaining. I've watched the whole lot on YouTube, and so should you.

If only the original fans of Transformers were treated with this level of respect. Hmph.

61. Seven syllables that make my job a living nightmare

Carphone Warehouse, Phones4U.

62. The mystery deepens...

Maybe they're digger eggs instead. I don't know, I don't work in the building trade.

63. Dreams can come true...

Except I bloody hope they don't, just because of the human brain's capacity for oddity. I don't remember many dreams, but I only tend to remember the truly fucking bizarre ones. For example, one I had the other day, the moon was being reflected against the atmosphere, with a projector-style image on a larger scale appearing next to it. Then, it split in two with some very camp disco lights of various colours appearing down the split. Then I woke up from the tackiest dream I'd ever experienced, and I thanked my benevolent fucking stars that fiction is sometimes stranger than truth after all.

Why I shared that, I don't know.

64. If he has any sense of fan-pleasing at all...

... then Steven Moffat will forego huge Russell T Davies-style universe-in-peril finales and instead go for a more low-key multi-Doctor affair. And if he listens to a large section of fandom, the one they want to see the most is Paul McGann's Eighth Doctor. He's only appeared in one episode in that role, but has made dozens of audio episodes. Bloody great in the role he is too.

Fingers crossed.

65. We Buy Any Car...

... have launched yet another dull advert. Football based again, too. Yawn. On Twitter, they asked some time ago if anybody had any ideas for adverts. I suggested a theme whereby they start with a short clip of a well-known car going wrong or being abused, followed by a clip of the driver going to the website. For example, the clip from Fawlty Towers with Basil whacking his Mini with a branch, cut to a clip over his shoulder on the website, same with Herbie and so on. They loved the idea. Shortly afterwards, they launched that meaningless advert with the woman behind a desk, footballs flying everywhere, and that fucking awful chavvy music playing.

I don't know why I fucking bother.

66. Shoestring Sci-Fi Part 3 - Paterkiller

"You think that's bad... wait til you see what's inside!"

67. Mock the Week?

Mock my fucking intelligence, more like. This used to be a decent show, but as soon as Frankie Boyle left, it became instantly obvious how scripted it is. The most nauseating thing is watching several egomaniacs vying for attention, the worst offender being Russell Howard, who has become unbearably unfunny of late, absolutely sure that everything he utters will be comedy fucking gold (but is usually a knob gag in a childish voice). He used to be vaguely amusing, but that was when Frankie Boyle's genuine comedy genius put everything else into perspective, and the panellists knew there was no point in trying to upstage him. Now he's gone, they're scrabbling to fill the void like a black hole hungrily devouring the very fabric of space.

Kill the show now. It's outlived its usefulness. Particularly since the first guest in place of Boyle was only fucking Kielty. Ugh.

68. Google Maps tried to kill me.

So there I was taking my kids out to a park, only it was somewhere I'd never been before. No problem, I thought, I've got Google Maps on my iPhone. Just set the destination on there, and it acts as a sat nav. So, details entered, we followed its directions. 

I should explain at this point to anyone that doesn't have an iPhone that it will also act as a compass; when you turn, the screen will turn as well on Google Maps to point you in the right direction.

Anyway, within about ten minutes of walking up a stupidly steep road, it made us take a turning.

It led us directly into a forest.

Within minutes, my GPRS failed, and we were lost. To give you an idea of how far away it had taken us, here's a picture from the bottom of my street:

See that dense forest on the horizon? That's where it took us. 

At this point, it failed to pick up a 3G signal, so placing where we were became impossible. Trying to convince the kids we were on a "nature walk" was tricky, but I think they believed me. 

We finally found an exit, with Google Maps being about as useful as a guide on Knightmare, the blind leading the blind, and my iPhone then decided to run out of power. The worst part of this was that I then had to rely on the general public to get home, which meant having to talk to them.

We finally made it home, and I took a solemn vow to never rely on technology ever again. I think it's the beginnings of Skynet.

69. The one thing I've discovered about iPhone and iPad customers...

... in my line of work is that, for some reason, they seem to be a lot more aggressive than others, more prone to condescension and smuggery. I'm sure it's not a general thing, just pot luck in the ones I end up speaking to. Arseholes seem to gravitate towards me. It's a big enough problem for me to have coined the word "smuggery".

The good thing is that any calls I receive about either, I have to transfer to the specialist teams in Egypt. Having spoken to them myself, I can see why some customers get a bit angry.

70. Shoestring Sci-Fi Part 3- Star Trek

"There's been a transporter accident... one to beam up..."

71. Is it just me...

... or would breakfast cereals be more exciting if there was an added sense of danger to the proceedings?

72. Apps

Not, not yoof-slang for the fruit they'd never eat unless it came in a McDonald's pie, but stuff you download for the iPod Touch, iPhone and iPad. It is really hit and miss, but some things come along sometimes which don't make you automatically delete them.

The first game I actually bought that wasn't a free demo was Transformers G1: Awakening, a turn-based strategy game based on the original incarnation of the brand. Not an overly long game, but good fun nonetheless if you catch it when it's cheap (like I did).

Next, Angry Birds. Chances are you already have this if you're an iPod/iPhone owener. I bought it following a recommendation on Diary of a Ledger's wonderful blog. Great fun, easy to play, regular updates with new levels every other month. My three year old daughter is playing it on my old iPod Touch; that's how easy it is to pick up and play. Brilliant stuff.

Another short but fun game is Antrim Escape, a throwback to the old point-and-click adventures. The entire game's set in one room, and you have to solve puzzles to escape. Nice to see a game that flexes the old grey matter for once.

Oh, and if you've got an iPhone, get Stellarium, which will show you the names of stars and planets you can see from your location in real time.

Just avoid any games with the word "Stick" in the title, as they're invariably shit.

73. Do you have a fucking castle at the end of the street where you work?

I do.

74. My son started his third year of school this week. My daughter started nursery.

It's always an emotional experience sending my boy off to start his new year in school, but now it's doubly so. Time flies.

75. Death's Head

I think I may have mentioned before how much I love the character, and how annoyed I am with Marvel for letting him disappear into obscurity. That's my drawing of him above; go to comic artist Simon Williams's own blog for a greater tribute to the character than I could muster. Click here.

76. Weddings and that

Last week, I went to my first ever wedding that wasn't my own. My wife's cousin got married, and a great time was had by all. Congratulations to Ali and Dave, hope you have many happy years together.

The tragedy for me is that I've been to more funerals than weddings. Life gives with one hand, snatches back aggressively with the other.

Ah well. My kids looked amazing, anyway. Keira was a bridesmaid, so that was lovely.

77. SFX

Congratulations to SFX magazine, which has just reached its 200th issue. It's nice to see a high-quality, entertaining magazine lasting so long, and one which isn't up its journalistic arse like so many others are these days.

Issue 200 is out now, and is a smashing read as ever. It's a shame that other works of genius are no longer with us, such as the short-lived Cult TV, and also...

78. Your Sinclair

The magazine that started it all in terms of outstanding wit and general sense of humour, which directly influenced SFX and every other magazine you read today, YS was a staple part of my childhood. Obviously, there is no possible way for the magazine to exist today and turn a profit, given that its subject matter is obsolete in commercial terms, but I will always have fond memories of the magazine, its various writers and general sense of fun that you seldom found elsewhere.

YS, I salute you.

PS If anyone knows how to get hold of a cheap copy of the special issue that came with Retro Gamer magazine a few years ago, let me know. Ta.

79. Final Fantasy VII

The greatest game ever made, bar none, Final Fantasy 7 is the one game in that disconnected series that has captured people's imaginations and hearts more than any other. A few years ago, Square Enix released the CGI movie sequel, Advent Children, which was brilliant, but they opened up a whole can of worms when the PS3 was launched by showing a tech demo of a PS3 interpretation of the first few minutes of the original PlayStation game. Ever since, fans have been demanding a remake using the capabilities of the latest machine. Initially, I was one of them. However, I've had a rethink.

The in-game characters were cute and charming, against the world-threatening chaos around them, and if they did remake the game, that charm would be lost. The voices were limited to text boxes on the screen; a remake would involve voice overs and anatomically correct characters - the improvements would be a loss, almost.

I now hope they leave it well alone, and that anybody interested in the game just download the original from the PlayStation Network. I'm probably alone in thinking it, but sometimes, just sometimes, it's best to leave things exactly as they are.

80. Mirage is a fucking idiot

'Nuff said.

81. The Royal Mint

Last year, I won a competition with SFX (yes, another one), where I was sent a Doctor Who coin by The Royal Mint. I now wish I'd never have bothered. They're worse for spam emails than the Nigerian Lottery.

The 'specially commissioned' coins they produce to tie in with things like Doctor Who are bad enough (terrible likenesses, generally tacky), but it's the other, more mainstream things they produce coins for which are the worst. It's like a small, metallic version of those fucking collector's plates you see advertised that lonely old women buy.

I don't know what that says about me for entering the competition in the first place.

82. #FuhFuh

Every Friday on Twitter, people clog up each other's timelines with tweets suggesting who they should follow (which everybody ignores, as there are far too many of them). I'd like to put a list here of the people I think you should follow if you're on Twitter. Don't be offended if you're not on here at the moment, this is a list of people who've been friends on there for a long time, and who bother conversing on there. I may have missed some people (which is why I stopped doing the lists in the first place on Twitter), so if you want to be added to this list, let me know on Twitter straight away.

You should #FuhFuh follow:

@comedyfish

@Scriblit

@mistywabbit

@IndieLou

@lmlc

@diaryofaledger

@heavenlyfodder

@TomCampbell

@Orbette

@Hilary_W

@doodlewhale

@Mr_Neurosceptic

@NesLouEve

@Sparklemonkey

@chaosgerbil

@GrahamTCousins

@janeprinsep

@chelsea_carg

@dzhimbo

@BoringBoo

@CosRyan

@rehamah

@Badgerbiscuit

@mark_moo

@FatmanSlimming

@mcquickdraw

@radiorabies

@BarkingMadAmble

@steve_parkes

@itsWatty

@hattiet_

@ClareKirwan

@MozMoz3000

@alantshearer

@LouiseBrill

@Wulfruna

@SisterLedge

@Professor_Snack

@TherealTomKing

@peacockpete

@CLNFRQHR

@nik_kee_dee

@Ben_Morgan_

@joskinner

@helenaimeej

@algernonradish

@sexbiscuit

@robinbogg

@_Cantus

@innerpenguin

@eclecticoil

@lusty1970

@OneInchMan

@DarkBeige

@KingBobulousIII
@babelonandon

@TiggyThePiggy

Like I said, if you're not on here and we chat on Twitter, sorry, let me know and I'll add you on here.

Edit: As soon as I published this post, one person I originally suggested decided to unfollow me, and seems to be hanging around with a bad crowd now (see point 1 of this very post for a clue as to who I mean), so has dropped from this list. Shame. Used to like him.

83. Shoestring Sci-Fi Part 4 - Transformers

"With this power source, nothing can stop the mighty Megatron!"

84. Buses

I hate buses. They're full of despair and grim reality, packed with the simple and the smell of wee. It's a fucking miracle if the bus you're sat on doesn't suddenly stop in the middle of the road so the driver can chat to another passing bus driver. When I'm travelling home at night after work, there's always a singing drunk bloke, shouting at the cameras, declaring "I don't fucking care that you can see me! I'm not part of your evil web!" I'm not making this up.

This is why I don't mind walking the 5 miles to work on occasion. You know the worst thing? Nosy old women reading over your shoulder when you're moaning on Twitter about nosy old women reading over your shoulder.

85. Cat woman

First there was this...

... then there was this...





Amazing the reaction that the whole thing had though, more so than for the homeless or victims of child cruelty. Nothing like the bullying gang mentality, eh?

Still, the woman is a grade A fucking idiot, and should rightly be brought to task for what she did, but the public need to adjust their perspective a little in favour of some of the worse afflictions of society.

Like that'll happen.

86. Shoestring Sci-Fi Part 5 - Threads 2

87. Doesn't this picture make you proud to be British?

Maybe that was the turning point.

88. Guess Who - Tory Cabinet Edition

"Does he have a low opinion of the working classes?"
"Does he have an extremely privileged background?"
"Did he go to public school?"
"Oh, this is shit. I've not discounted any of 'em yet."

89. Oh look! It's James Dean Bradfield!

You'll have to take my word for it.

90. This porn shop needs to change its opening hours...

... since it's open during daylight hours, on my bus route, where kids are exposed to the sight of porny stuff in the window. Having to explain to my son that the nurse outfits in the window weren't for medical purposes confused him somewhat.

Still, 'Lovecraft'. Snigger.

91. So this is where brains come from.

Dunno what the big pipe's for, though.

92. Shoestring Sci-Fi Part 6 - Doctor Who

"You are doomed, Doctor! I have made your Tardis rubbish."

93. The construction of Cardiff's very own Colosseum continues apace...

... and one can only hope that they'll put Adrian Chiles in there as the first gladiatorial contestant.

94. Spaced

One of the greatest shows this country has ever produced, fans have been clamouring for a third series for nearly a decade. However, that would mean reuniting Simon Pegg, Jessica Hynes and Edgar Wright.

It's never, ever going to happen. And that is a crying shame. Wright's foray into Hollywood with Scott Pilgrim vs The World, amongst other projects, is the final nail in the coffin.

Seriously, where has all the decent comedy gone?

95. Operation Good Guys

Speaking of which, I seriously recommend you track this down on DVD. Despite The Office being claimed as being the first comedy docu-soap, this preceded it by a couple of years, but hardly anybody knows it exists.

The only problem at all with it is that they added a laughter track from series 2. Ignore that, and you have a perfect show. Series 1, 2 and 3 are available in a box set together, and there are rumours that they're looking to make a movie spin-off, The Beech Is Back. Doubt it'll happen, but one can hope. Superb show.

96. It's amazing the crap you can do on an iPhone...

... of mixed quality. Still, good for a laugh, innit?

97. Christmas is here!

See?

98. Don't believe me?

The Co-Operative beg to differ. Have a fucking mince pie.

99. Destinauts

I last updated my web comic Destinauts in April, coincidentally just before I started my job. Since then, I haven't had the time to devote to it, but don't want it to get forgotten. Within the next month, I will post at least the first part of issue 2, and carry on the story from when our (anti) heroes encounter the Nazis.

I'll let you know. In the meantime, if you haven't read issue 1 yet, click here.

100. You made it this far...

Congratulations, and thank you. I love writing for this site, and hope you occasionally at least enjoy reading it. If you haven't already, I'd really appreciate it if you could scroll right the way to the top again and click "follow". This has been the longest blog entry I've ever done, but they'll be back to normal size next time. If you want me to expand on any of the mini-blogs contained in this post, let me know, and I'll see about writing a full-size equivalent shortly.

By the way, the next milestone for Dystopian Fuchsia is the first birthday of the site in early November. I'm thinking about running some sort of competition open to followers of the site only, with an actual tangible prize of some kind (not "the glory of winning" or any such bollocks). Click follow and stay tuned.

Cheers guys and gals. Thanks for reading. Here's to another load of pointless rubbish from yours truly.