Stu Hall's Letters From Canada #1

Hello sir! Your regular host, Ian, has invited me to guest post on his blog. It didn’t take me long to accept his offer and begin writing about Canada, where I have been living since 2007. You see, before I moved here, I knew bugger all about Canada. The only Canadians I knew were Terrance and Phillip from South Park. I was genuinely surprised to learn that, when Canadians speak, the top halves of their heads don’t really flap around. While you might not be as ignorant as I was, I’m just going to go ahead and assume you are. British people seem to believe a number of stereotypes about Canada, but let me set them straight. It doesn’t snow all the time, just enough to raise the all-important suicide rate. Not all Canadians are nice people. For example, most Torontonians would kill you if it meant getting your seat on the bus. Canadians don’t go around saying “Eh?” as they emerge bleary-eyed from their igloos. No, they say it as they emerge bleary-eyed from the bar. Or the local coffee shop, for that matter.


 Coffee brings me on to things that are actually true about Canadians. They love coffee. Instead of a newsagent on every corner, Canadians have a coffee shop on every corner. Ok, that's kinda true of Britain, too. But in Britain, they are Italian-style places that require a credit check just to make a purchase. Canadian coffee shops require a few quarters and a liberal sprinkling of pocket lint. If you want to catch a Canadian, you could do far worse than by setting up a trap using coffee as bait, or better yet, microwavable macaroni and cheese (“Kraft Dinner”). They’re obsessed with that shit, and I’m yet to work out why. I suppose it’s the Pot Noodle equivalent: “It’s dirty, and you want it”. All Canadians apologise for Bryan Adams and Alanis Morissette. 


I hope you enjoyed dipping your toe into Canada, or at least my warped impression of it. It’s ironic that I have written about stereotypes, because if you choose to continue reading my posts, what will become apparent is that Canada is not that easy to pin down. The only constants about Canada are that it is a massive, massive place and Canadians.... really love coffee. I don’t want you to think I’m winging this, especially with Ian paying me so much to write here. It’s not like I don’t have any ideas (I have at least two more ideas for columns about Canada that came to me during a feverish dream), but if there’s a Canadiana based topic you would like to hear about, leave a comment and let me know. 


 @stuhall writes sporadically at http://www.stuhallwrites.com