Schedule's roasting on an open fire

Evening. Let's kick off with the BBC's Interactive Advent Calendar:

Mercifully, this is the final part of the Xmas Day schedule, covering the digital channels. I'll be as brief as possible, because it's starting to put me in a bad mood, and I can only imagine the effect it's having on you. Sorry.

As you've seen so far, it isn't great. What is the single-biggest day of the TV year (or should be), there's not a great deal on. The digital line-up is a sure-fire indication of why the suicide rate is so high this year. My advice, ignore the words in this blog and just enjoy the clips.

First Xmas clip:

BBC3 kicks off with Doctor Who Confidential: Lords and Masters, following on from the episode which just showed on BBC1. The title alone sounds like a spoiler. They repeat Top of the Pops, then it's Billy Elliot (good film, if you've not seen it, though I imagine you probably have), repeat Shrek the Halls, show a DVD extra from the Incredibles, then a couple of Family Guy episodes. BBC4 has an Orson Welles theme, with Citizen Kane, followed by an Arena documentary on him, then Journey Into Fear.

Interlude. You know what really annoys me at this time of year? The various fragrance adverts. One in particular has annoyed over a couple of years now, so hopefully this'll be the last year I'll hear Beyoncé singing that "Diamonds are a girl's best fwend". It's not the worst by a long shot, though I don't think I've ever seen any category of television which contains more pretension, except perhaps anything featuring Selina Scott during the 80s and 90s. Interlude over.

ITV2 has tons of X Factor, because we're clearly not sick of it, their soaps, About A Boy (great film), National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation (which has aged badly in 20 years), Love Actually (good film, but you probably either know that or disagree with that). They finish with repeats of their soaps and I'm a Celebrity crap. ITV3 scrape that barrel with two Carry On films, then all three On The Buses films, then The Best of Benny Hill. Ugh. ITV4 has loads of old cop shows, Blues Brothers 2000 (released in 1998), Mercury Rising and Sanctuary. No Xmas stuff whatsoever, if that's what you're after.

E4 has loads of Friends, Picture Perfect (with Jennifer Aniston, if you're not sick of the sight of her), a repeat of Alan Carr's Chatty Man Christmas Special, then all six episodes of The Inbetweeners series 2. More4 fills their afternoon with The 100 Greatest Christmas Moments, which, if you want mindless but festively atmospheric gubbins in the background, might be a good option. In stark contrast, the rest of their schedule is highbrow fare. Film4 make an effort with Lassie, Time Bandits, The Family Man and Elf, before pulling the rug from under you with Final Destination 3.

Dave have Have I Got News For You, Top Gear, Stephen Fry In America, Trawlermen, finished with a night of QI. Standard Dave stuff, but (mainly) entertaining nonetheless. G.O.L.D. have BlackAdder's Christmas Carol (yay!) at 1pm, then the rest of their schedule is back-to-back Only Fools and Horses specials, if you want to harken back to those days. Again.

Sky1 have... oh no, it's too horrible to be true... Noel's Christmas Presents (why won't he leave me alone?! Why?!). Oh, and some Simpsons. Sky2 have Terry Pratchett's The Colour of Magic and The Hogfather. You could do far worse. Sky3... don't get me started.

Virgin 1 has loads of Star Trek and X Files, like any other day. Five USA has some variable quality Xmas films. Watch have Doctor Who, Hook, and at 9pm Ghost Busters (always great to watch). Bravo fill their schedule with Street Crime UK and Rocky, Sci-Fi with Battlestar Galactica, and Comedy Central with Two and a Half Men.

Do you know what? Don't watch the telly on Xmas Day. That's my conclusion. It used to be an eventful day, now it's just repeats and bland rubbish. Apart from Doctor Who, obviously.

I think my memories of TV on Xmas Day are possibly slightly skewed by nostalgia. I just remember it being more of an event. The good news is, there's plenty of great TV over the Xmas period. Plus, you can indeed do something other than watching TV. For some, that's all we... um, they have. Stuff like Cranford (enjoyed by many, but I have yet to see it) on the 20th, Games Britannia on the 21st on BBC4, the finale of Paradox (which is okay, not great), the Doctor Who Buzzcocks special (shown this Wednesday, repeated on the 22nd), Mock the Week on the 22nd, QI, Have I Got News For You, and David Tennant in Hamlet on Boxing Day. It's not all doom and gloom. Oh, and E4 on Boxing Day are showing all of series 5 of Peep Show (and all of series 6 the following day). Sometimes, TV's brilliant.

I'm glad that's all over. Oh, wait, it's all still to come. Bugger.

Sorry if I've made you not want to read this site any more. I promise normal service will resume shortly.