Show me where he touched you

Amidst all the kerfuffle at the tail end of last week with Blair, something else major was about to launch itself upon the world. You cannot have failed to notice the announcement of the next bit of must-have touch-screen technology, causing the internet and every news channel to melt with excitement.

Yes, the Sinclair ZX Tablet is nearly here.

Since Sir Clive Sinclair won back his namesake brand in a fight in a pub car park behind some bins, the world at large has been on tenterhooks for a significant announcement. Last week, we finally saw his new baby, the first machine to bear the prefix "ZX" since the Spectrum +3 was discontinued in 1990.

It bears touch screen technology, a whopping 48k RAM of memory, and, tellingly, the famous Sinclair "rainbow" branding in the corner. "Oh, yes, that," says Sir Clive, "that was my way of saying, 'fuck you, I'm back, and I mean business'."

Seeing it up and running is a nostalgic delight. The first thing we notice is that it's connected up to a cassette player. "Anyone can see that CD sales are down," he says, "it doesn't take a fucking genius to see that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Tapes worked fine in my day. Plus, tapes aren't as wide as CDs, so it stands to reason that they're easier to carry around." He loads up a specially-commissioned version of Windows Vista, a bumper package of 58 individual cassettes.

"Of course," he continues, "you can always buy a Microdrive, which will cut down on loading times, but one major benefit that this system has is that I'm able to prepare a four-course meal whilst I'm waiting. FROM SCRATCH."

One reasonable lasagne later, it's finally loaded, so we can see the sort of thing it's capable of. We ask him about the system specifications. "Well, the 48k memory is plenty, we feel. We were going to go for the full 128k, but in order to supply an affordable machine, we had to scale back somewhat. Plus, the touch screen technology takes up a lot of space, so there just wasn't the room. Anyway, nostalgia's a big thing. People will see the classic Sinclair branding and look past needless excesses."

My attention returns to the screen, and it's like the last 28 years never happened.

The screen is touched, and it scrolls again. Somehow, I hit the BREAK key that isn't there.

This gives me a chance to see whether BASIC is unchanged since when I used to sit in my bedroom, typing in commercially-unsuitable programs of my own.

Somehow, it had taken the best part of an afternoon to load 3 lines of BASIC. So, the program's run again, and the next cassette is loaded. I'm promised that I'll like what I see.

Eventually, we're presented with some sort of email software, called ZX Mail. However, there was no room to install wifi capability, but SirClive has thought of everything, producing a modem (Sinclair rainbow-branded, of course) which plugs neatly in. Connecting it to a nearby phone point, I witness its full 33.3k power. Finally, I'm invited to sign in with my email address. Sir Clive then places a transparent rubber sheet onto the screen, an approximation of an old Spectrum keyboard printed thereon. It's just like typing on the old 'rubber beermat' Spectrum 48k. Only smaller.

So, yes, it does connect to the internet. Sir Clive is quite excited by the possibilities. "Yes, it'll be a great way of getting software." I question him on whether the 48k memory will house these downloaded games. "Oh, no, downloading's too costly. If you email us, we'll send print-outs in the post of programs you can type in."

Apparently, all of the old Spectrum peripherals are compatible with the Tablet. But, the rumour about it not being Flash-compatible, therefore unable to access YouTube, has to be addressed. "Let me show you something," he scoffs, and tries loading a cassette.

After 3 attempts at loading, he finally held the 'play' button down halfway, and we're greeted with 1984 classic, Chuckie Egg. He excitedly points out the main character as he walks around. "That's better than any animation. Okay, we only have 8x8 UDGs, but with a small screen, it looks like a movie. YouTube's irrelevant. How d'you like them apples?"

When asked about basic utility packages, such as art software, he resets the Tablet, and types CIRCLE 20,20,20. I'm convinced. When asked about word processing software, he says, "I'll show you a fucking word processor."

It works, too. In conclusion, he says, "That's right. I'm back, bitch."

I make my excuses and leave.