Wednesday, 13 July 2016

PorkBalls, Blairpologists and Monkey Poo

It's been a while, etc. But enough of that. Welcome to hell. Hello!

As the UK teeters on the edge of financial ruin, and the populace seems to now be leaning so far to the right that the country might actually crash into the fucking Netherlands, we can at least console ourselves with the fact that Gammonface is on his last day, and we will no longer have to put up with a regressive, right wing, elitist and dangerous Prime Minister. Instead, we're going to get a regressive, right wing, dangerous and elitist Prime Minister. And he's left the country in a divided and bitter mess, the scamp.

Gammonface, or PorkBalls, finally got that Broken Britain that he so craved when he was first elected. Or something like that. He kept on about it, anyway. I wasn't really listening.

Yep, the UK's falling to bits. All of the Brexit leaders (Pob, BoJo the Narcissistic Clown, multi-millionaire common man Nigel something) have scarpered, whilst their lies still stick to the walls like monkey poo. So much monkey poo. No matter how hard you scrub, no matter how many of us try to jetwash the simian lie-nuggets, full of nuts, mashed banana and thinly-veiled racism, people are reluctant to see the truthy walls underneath, thinking that a faecal Farage masterpiece is easier on the eye. Soon, we won't even be able to afford Brillo pads, as our currency is about level with Post-It notes at the moment. But at least the EU can't fund projects in some of our most deprived areas now, eh? The fuckers. How dare they?!

Just as we're all fatigued from the devastation of Brexit, we get the bittersweet joy of Cameron deciding to not be bothered to deal with the chaos he's inflicted on the country. This triggered the Tory leadership battle, with the party tearing itself apart. An ideal time for the Opposition to destroy them. But, the PLP being the PLP, they thought they'd give the Tories an even playing field, which was very generous and sporting of them.

Anyway, back to the Tories. BoJo was favourite (a phrase that looks bizarre and doesn't quite work), but the twin events of being stabbed in the back by Pob, and realising that his I'm-going-to-be-PM positioning in supporting Brexit whilst publicly not really a few months ago had blown up in his clown face, he decided he couldn't be bothered to sort out his fucking mess either, and was last seen in a really shit reboot of Happy Days.

Everyone was leaving everything, even if they weren't in it. Fleeing responsibility is the new black amongst the out-of-touch political elite.

But Pob sprang back, lacking the upper body strength to get his knife back out from between BoJo's bumbling shoulder blades but chipper, lovable and charismatic as ever. Also, a ritual was performed involving a salt pentagram and mongoose blood, and Liam Fox rematerialised in our plain of reality. Realising that not enough of the animal kingdom was represented in this Contest of Champions, Stephen Crabb also threw his hat into the ring, and his car keys into a bowl, looking like a character from a Kenneth Grahame cheese nightmare.

And then, someone else. Andrea something. It turned out that her credentials were a bit suspect, but since nobody really knew who she was, it probably wouldn't have been spotted anyway.

And this one was there too. 

While all this rubbish brewed in the background, and the country waited with baited breath for an even more right-wing government, the Chilcot Inquiry finally showed up, and was completed before George R.R. Martin could release The Winds of Winter. Season 7 of Game of Thrones will be following the latter few volumes of Chilcot instead, so we may finally get to the scene where we find out what secret notes Cersei Lannister was passing to George W. Bush, and where Blair sits on the Iron Throne, but gets a really big sword up his arsehole.

This led to lots of parliamentary Blairpologists trying to downplay their culpability, whilst Blair appeared on TV, his rictus grin spitting out no apology. It was everyone else's fault, you see. Everyone but Our Tony. Jeremy Corbyn apologised on behalf of the Labour Party, which Chief BBC Propagandist Laura Kuenssberg probably twisted into an admittance of guilt.

Back to our favourite right-wing zealots. The first round of voting saw Liam Fox lose out. If Fox and Hunt had campaigned together, they would have been leapt upon by the Tories. Crabb dropped out, after being caught finding that sexting is really moreish, and then Pob spat on his final TV screen.

Andrea Leadsom valiantly destroyed her career by saying something crass about having kids and yah-boo-Theracist-May-doesn't, and within a day or two, she was gone, and we were stuck with another PM without a mandate of their own, but with a really impressive record of human rights abuse, and with an extremely popular policy ready to launch where you'd better delete your fucking browsing history sharpish. The Tories were still intact, and this was largely due to the Parliamentary Labour Party being opportunistic shits.

Whilst the Tories pulled together like wasps around a cadaver, over in the Labour Party, Hilary Benn called Jeremy Corbyn a twat or summat to his face, and his leader had no choice to sack him on the grounds of being a disgrace compared to his father. This led to clearly spontaneous, on-the-hour resignations from the Shadow Cabinet, coincidentally keeping them in the news, all on the basis that Corbyn had failed to win the Remain argument, which he didn't. But still, the spontaneous, unplanned and unchoreographed resignations happened hourly, just as they'd been planning and choreographing for months. One thing led to nothing, so did another, and finally, a candidate was chosen to sacrifice her political career to clear the way for others to contend. Step forward 4th-place runner-up of last year's Labour Deputy Leader contest.

Although I don't think she's quite got the hang of it yet. Anyway, she's awful. So awful, that you can only laugh at the sheer mess she's made of her presentation so far, ably mimicking the Blairite soundbites that have been scripted for her by... someone. I can only guess who, but I'm pretty sure their name's an anagram of Mean Old Serpent. Her awfulness isn't exclusive to her ham-fisted leadership campaign. She has an appalling voting record, voting for the Iraq war, voting against an inquiry into it, abstaining against the welfare bill... she's a disgrace.

So, here we are. We're having a leadership contest in the Labour Party, and we've got a vile new Prime Minister. She's chosen her cabinet already, and has filled it with like-minded people.

The thing is, the Tories are no different to the rebelling PLP members. Both howl and bang tables at meetings (the Tories with May, the PLP with Kinnock, both in the same week), and both are in it to win it, no matter the cost. They're a bit like football teams; no real difference in what they do, they're ultimately aiming to win by playing the same game as each other. We really do need an alternative to this shower of shit.


Anyway, back tomorrow with some Fun May Facts. Ta ta!

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