That Was The Year That Is

Well, what an eventful year we've had so far. I've had a shitty year. How about you?

2009 saw our MPs revealed as the embezzling fuckers we always knew they were, Barack Obama becoming America's first black man, Jade Goody revert from hated racist to Princess of Hearts via the tabloids, and another bigoted arse was allowed to voice his vile opinions on Question Time.

Since we've mentioned him, and, you know, because it's Christmas and that, let's combine those two concepts and see what happens...

Has that killed your festive cheer? Sorry. Erm... oh look, it's snowing somewhere.

So, what has the International Year of Natural Fibres been eventful for, trying to steer away from politics (aside from Vladimir Putin hilariously cutting off Europe's gas supply like the Hooded Claw)? Michael Jackson died, and his brother Jermaine now dances on his grave in the BBC3 show Move Like Michael Jackson (still being centre of attention whilst being a cadaver). Jackson's death was quite an eye-opener; it's amazing how many more paedophile jokes could be squeezed out within minutes of his death. Perhaps there will be more when Jonathan King dies. Here's hoping for both.

Also this year, the Large Hadron Collider was restarted, a full year after CERN had to shut it down. If successful, it is speculated that a singularity will form, which could consume the planet and ultimately the solar system. Bad in the long term, but at least you'd get a free trip to Switzerland, without all the faffing around with EasyJet and in-flight meals.

You probably won't have read about it anywhere, but two days ago a planet was discovered orbiting the star GJ 1214, approximately 40 light years from Earth. It is the first exoplanet discovered on which water could exist. The snappily-named GJ1214b is a very important discovery, but obviously pales in significance when compared to the X Factor-related stories that were reported that day, which is typical of any science. If The Sun had reported this though, they would no doubt have included artists' impressions of what an alien might look like, whilst computer "wizards"/"boffins" (whichever set of social misfits they drafted in that day) illustrate what the planet looks like. Probably best it didn't get reported after all.

This year, Patrick McGoohan, Ron Silver, J. G. Ballard, Jack Cardiff, Bea Arthur, Dom DeLuise, David Carradine, Farrah Fawcett, Michael Jackson, Karl Malden, Walter Cronkite, Bobby Robson, Ted Kennedy, Patrick Swayze, Richard Todd, Roy Disney and Barry Letts all died. So did millions of other, non-famous people. It's the sort of thing that usually happens; the death rate is usually one per person, and 2009 did not deviate from that. Data for people who will be famous that were born this year is beyond the capabilities of human science. Sorry.

Barack Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize, by being fortunate enough to Not Be George Bush. I'm still waiting for mine.

Films that are set in the futuristic year 2009 are Freejack, the first bit of 2012, I Am Legend, Cloverfield and Eagle Eye. I don't think any of the events in said films have happened yet.

Games set in 2009 include Half-Life, Dino Crisis, part of Metal Gear Solid 2, Left4Dead, and Resident Evil 5. Again, not a peep from zombies or dinosaurs this year. Unless you count Michael Jackson if he does decide to re-enact Thriller posthumously.

There was a brief bit of excitement when a light-hearted documentary invited all the family to watch The Execution of Gary Glitter (see String 'Im Up, R Tape Loading Error, 0:1 and Coming Soon To Channel 4 for my views and response). Unfortunately, it all turned out to be a wonderful dream, though it was also great for more nonce-gags if nothing else.

Other than that, it's been a fairly lacklustre year. But, there are still a lucky 13 days left of this decade for YOU to do something special and meaningful. Like stopping that puppet from X Factor from getting to number one. There's still time.