Remembering 5/11

So, here we are again. November the 5th. As in, the date you've been compelled to remember in those brainwashing mnemonics since childhood. The one day in the year that we celebrate triumph over terrorism by setting fire to burning effigies and setting off explosives.

So, what's it all about, then? Just ask any guttersnipe today, and he'll mutter from under his hoodie that it's to commemorate this day 404 years ago, when some disgruntled Catholics tried to blow up parliament. They nearly got away with it, too, had it not been for a couple of key facts.

1. An anonymous letter was sent to Lord Monteagle alerting the authorities to the plot.

2. They put Guy Fawkes in charge of carrying out the plot, a man made out of an old pillow, who sat in a wheelbarrow and wore an old football scarf.

Guy Fawkes: "Gunpowder?"

Robert Catesby: "Check."

Guy Fawkes: "Treason?"

Robert Catesby: "Check."

Guy Fawkes: "Plot?"

Robert Catesby: "Check."

Guy Fawkes: "Anonymous letter to Lord Monteagle exposing the plot?"

Robert Catesby: "Erm, best leave that here."

So, a man, not even the ringleader mind you, who was involved in a terrorist plot to murder hundreds of people, has a day named after him forevermore, based on the fact that he was the one that got caught. I'm glad that we're not about to celebrate Abu Hamza Day, as the thought of kids trying to hold sparklers between some coat hangers doesn't sound very appealing.
I don't really have a problem with the reasons behind Bonfire Night. The problem I have is that it's rubbish. Grown men and women stand around burning effigies like some mass community Wicker Man, making ooohs and aaahs like those aliens from Toy Story, clapping with glee at some fucking coloured lights and explosions like lobotomised simpletons. You might as well hand them a kaleidoscope and bang some dustbin lids behind them. If you do go to a display, the smoke inhalation is enough to remind you what pubs used to be like, at least. The stench on your clothes when you go home will also remind you of those halcyon days. Disinterested, terrified children will grasp at their parents' hands, longing to go home where it's a bit safer, whilst simultaneously damaging their lungs, ears and eyes.

In brighter news, Robert Maxwell has been dead for exactly 18 years today.

So, a few things you need to remember tonight.

• Don't forget to lock your pets outside. Why should you have all the fun?
• If you know someone called Catherine Wheel, nail her to a sturdy post, and give her a good spin. Remind her to hold onto the sparklers and make a "wheeeee" sound.
• A bonfire is a great way of disposing of those old deodorant cans you no longer need. Very good for fridges and cars, too.
• Light the blue touchpaper, and throw 70ft into the air for best results.
• If you light the blue touchpaper, and nothing happens, always go back to check. Fireworks are expensive, so you want to get your money's worth.
• A good place to keep your tin of fireworks is right next to the bonfire. Remember, it'll be dark, so you'll want to see where they are.
• If people are hogging the milk bottle and you want to speed things up, you can always light a firework from your lit cigarette. It puts you in control, makes you centre of attention, and it looks cool.

Have a pleasant evening. If anybody does manage to blow up parliament, please make sure that Lords Archer and Mandelson are in attendance first. Bless you.