The bearded twatty face of Xmas

Afternoon.

More festive fun from the Xmas schedules, then. Yesterday, we covered what terrestrial TV has to offer on Xmas Day. Years ago, there was somewhat of an effort to make is all Christmassy and that. I may have been slightly thrown off course during my childhood because of the excitement of the day itself, as, let's not forget, they used to have Noel sodding Edmonds on every bloody year. The only Xmas miracle I can see there is that the small bearded tit is still on telly.

Time for an Xmas clip, methinks...

Right, the morning schedules, then. Utter rubbish on terrestrial, apart from The Sarah Jane Adventures on BBC1 (repeat), and two episodes of The Simpsons on Channel 4 (repeats). As you can see above, they used to have an entire morning devoted to Xmas Day (though perhaps using a clip of Peter Simon on Double Dare isn't the best example to use). My theory yesterday was that it's because the broadcasters realise that kids will most likely be playing a new game, watching a new DVD, or stood in a pack outside Spar throwing abuse at people when they won't go in and buy them fags.

Perhaps it's better on digital. I'll skip most channels unless something really stands out...

Well, in brief, skip ITV2. Coronation Street, Emmerdale, Judge sodding Judy, Creature Comforts, I'm A Celebrity... Jungle Gems (Christ...), The Xtra Factor: Best and Worst (five editions). That's the whole morning on ITV2. It's like my own personal hell.

Moving on to ITV3... Film File, Jesus Christ Superstar, A Christmas Carol (it doesn't say which version), The Darling Buds of May, Pollyanna. It's a bit Xmassy, but not the sort of stuff you'd want to watch on Xmas Day. Well, not the sort of stuff that I would want to watch, anyway. At that time of the morning, slightly depressing.

ITV4... GMTV, The Professionals, The Sweeney and Minder. It's early evening ITV from the early 80s.

E4... Earthsea (part 2), Hercules (part 2... probably not the Kevin Sorbo one), Sword of Xanten, Merlin's Apprentice. Rubbish.

More4... Oh, good lord. Mention Edmonds and he will appear. 9am: The Random Box Game (it's called something else involving deals, but the name escapes me), Room For Improvement (you're not wrong), Location Location Location, and The Englishman Who Went Up A Hill But Came Down A Mountain. That's another channel crossed off of the list.

Film4: 11am, the apparently rubbish part-animated A Christmas Carol with Simon Callow. Moving on...

Dave. Top Gear triple bill, Stephen Fry in America, more Top Gear...

G.O.L.D. : Steptoe and Son, The Dick Emery Show, Steptoe again, Posh Nosh, Steptoe again, Dick Emery again, Steptoe again, Morecambe and Wise - The Greatest Moment, Wallace & Gromit (the first 3 films). Something vaguely Xmassy at last... 11.05am, if you fancy watching those yet again.

Fiver... don't even bother.

Sky1: Wrestling, Brainiac, Guinness World Records Smashed!, Oops TV, oh fuck, here he is again... Noel's Christmas Presents, and Got To Dance. Avoid Sky1 at all costs.

Sky2: Terry Pratchett's Hogfather. Brilliant. We may have a winner.

Sky3: Grimebusters, Lion Man, Medical Emergency, Deadly Down Under. Perhaps the least Xmassy channel on Xmas Day morning.

Virgin 1: Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, Take It Or Leave It, Catchphrase, Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?, The Outer Limits, The X-Files. Standard Virgin 1 day, pretty much.

That covers the main digital channels... at a glance, Watch, Alibi, Living, Comedy Central, Bravo, Sci-Fi, Livingit, Sky Arts 1, Sky Arts 2, Discovery Real Time, Home, FX and Really don't deviate from their usual gubbins (though you might want to avoid Comedy Central Extra, who, from 9am to 6pm, are showing every episode of Birds of a Feather). Good Food have a few Xmas cookery shows as expected, but I mentioned the illogic of that yesterday.

It gets worse... avoid Yesterday, who have back-to-back Catherine Cookson all morning. Avoid Discovery (The Detonators all morning), National Geographic (Megastructures all morning), BBC Parliament (though you wouldn't expect anything too Xmassy on there anyway, and you'd struggle to find three wise men, ha ha *cough*), Bio, Eden, History, Blighty, Animal Planet.

Surely the kids channels must have something... Nope, CBeebies has a standard day's schedule, as does CBBC. In fact, you might want to avoid the latter, if you don't want 16 back-to-back episode of ChuckleFuckingVision. CITV, business as usual.

Movie channels? Sky Movies Family has Home Alone 2, Shrek and Bee Movie. I won't bother mentioning the rest.

Overall then, Xmas morning is dreadful for telly across the board. I won't let nostalgia fool me, though... it wasn't always great. Time was, they used to make any old tat for the holiday season:

But at least kids TV used to be made in the UK, and it used to convey the correct mood:

But delve deep enough, and you'll always find this bastard, the second worst person to ever hide behind a false beard on a regular basis:

This has been difficult today; as bad as the terrestrial schedules are this year in the morning, the digital lineup is even worse. I'm not suggesting for a second that any of the programmes they used to show on Xmas morning were ever of a high quality, but it was all about atmosphere. None of that this year. Perhaps it really is time to switch off the television set and do something less boring instead.

Before I go, I really want to share this with you. It was on in the run-up to Xmas 1984, and to this day makes me feel Xmassy. This is what they would nowadays call 'event television'; it was hugely publicised at the time, and rightly so. I think it's a beautifully made piece of television, and all credit to the BBC. Hardly anybody remembers it nowadays, but I seriously urge you to track it down on DVD. Patrick Troughton is incredible, the effects were groundbreaking when it was made, and it has a lovely atmosphere. It's just on the right side of frightening (for kids); enough peril to make it a must-watch, but not overboard with grimness and grit. A Hollywood version of the original novel is apparently in pre-production. Ladies, gentlemen, other, I give you The Box of Delights.

I'll be back tomorrow with the more interesting bit of the schedules...

Don't forget, I still want your drawings for The (Haunted) Gallery and your Caption Competition entries. Take care, and see you tomorrow for more.