Cat Moron

Evening.

I was originally going to tell you all about what my cat got up to last night. As much as I enjoy the odd bit of schadenfreude, I don't like being on the receiving end of it.

Suffice to say, there's a time and a place. Worst night's sleep I've had in ages.

It was one of those moments that seems to go on for a long time in slow motion, like you can't quite believe what's just happened... it's still going on now. It didn't help that this happened at 4 in the morning. One of three cats, Kupo is usually good. Now, I couldn't work out whether the look on his face was "I've been naughty" or "Ha! I got away with it, you stupid fucker".

A cat yesterday

Animals are ridiculous, aren't they? I'm not saying that in an anti-conservationist sort of a way, but what's the fucking point in them? Domestic animals, at least. Ones which aren't delicious. That you know of. You spend a small fortune on them, get emotionally attached to them, then expect them to say "sorry" when they do something to piss you off. Since That's Life! isn't on anymore, it's pointless waiting for that. You can't reason with them, they shed enough fur on your carpet to worry PETA, and force you to start smoking to get rid of the smell of damp quadruped. Animals are bastards, and they know it.

Last October, I had one cat. One. His name's Tifa. We thought he was a female when we 'rescued' him from someone, but as we found out, he was a very well neutered male, but he's now stuck with a female Final Fantasy VII character's name. Just over a year ago, I heard a cat crying outside. I saw a small black cat on my roof. It had somehow got stuck up there, so being the sentimental fool I am, I coaxed it down. Well, having a dead cat on your roof can really devalue your house.

It was at this point that its master plan kicked in. It ran into my house, into the kitchen, and directly to Tifa's food bowl, as though it had the blueprints to my fucking house. It wouldn't leave. The stray little bastard wouldn't get out.

By March, she was still here, and we realised that Vivi (as we called her, a male Final Fantasy IX character... we're really great at naming animals per gender) was pregnant. She gave birth to a litter of 6, one of which died. I had to deliver them all, as she seemed disinterested at the best of times. So, I managed to save the lives of five of them, leaving us with 7 cats in the house. We decided that as soon as she had weaned the kittens, we were going to get her spayed. We managed to re-home two of the kittens, keeping two, with my sister-in-law who was staying with us keeping the other. Just before we managed to get Vivi to the vet, she managed to escape, and get herself up the duff again.

Come August, she gave birth to a litter of seven, six surviving. Muggins here had to deliver them again. This left us with eleven cats in the house. Eleven. We'd had enough, and got Vivi and her new batch of Gremlins to a rescue centre, and had Mirage (female kitten, named after a male Transformer) and Kupo (male kitten) spayed and neutered respectively. This one stray cat invading our home had cost us a few extra hundred quid in the 10 months or so she was with us. Don't feel bad for her. She was fucking weird. She ate potato peelings, a habit her daughter has inherited.

So, I've gone from being an animal lover to a conscientious objector in less than 12 months. Now I think they're self-serving bastards. If an animal looks at you directly in the eyes, and you think they're 'cute', you've just fallen under their mesmer-stare. They don't love you. You're a dupe. They know that if they act in a certain way, show you faux-affection, they'll get fed. It's all about shagging, eating and sleeping. So maybe they're not that different to people after all. Like people, though, they are bastards. No two ways about that. My one piece of advice is this: draw the line at being too nice to strays. You will suffer.

Right, before I go and feed my delightful cats, just time to mention the Caption Competition.

I'll be doing one of these a week, and hopefully with better pictures. Post your entries on the Feckbook group (link at the top).

I still want your Gallery pictures, too. Instructions under the (Haunted) Gallery box on the right.

G'night!

Caption Competition

Good afternoon.

Firstly, thanks to everyone who's sent pictures to the (Haunted) Gallery. You can also use http://twitpaint.com, or post them on the wall of the Dystopian Fuchsia Feckbook Page. Keep 'em coming. Tony's a restless spirit.

Secondly, I've started a (possibly weekly, depending on response) Caption Competition on the Feckbook Page. No prizes, just for fun. If I had money, I'd probably offer a prize. Bah. Never mind, eh? Anyway, the picture is on the Feckbook Group, so post your entries there.

Back later. Ta ta.

New Feckbook Dystopian Fuchsia Group

Evening all.

I've just set up a group on Facebook as a companion for this site.

Click on the logo to go there. Please join, and let your friends lists know about it. Ta.

If you have a picture for the (Haunted) Gallery, you can now post it straight to the Wall of that group. Also, if you have any suggestions for Clip of the Day, or have a gig you want promoted here, that's the place to let me know about it.

Thank you.

If you want to follow me on Twitter, click here.

Direct link to the Feckbook group:

http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=215441505265&ref=mf

Hindsight.

Hindsight's a nasty little madam. I'm already regretting the name of this blog entry.

My last post (here), about badly dubbed adverts and kids shows, missed a joke I was going to include all along. I just completely forgot to put it in. It was about Gerry Adams. Now the moment's gone, and so has the joke. I'll have to dream up another occasion in which to use it.

As I was trawling back through the site the other day, I came across my posts about a certain Pop Paedophile, and with adverts still in mind, I had an involuntary flashback. Back in 1988 or 1989, I saw an advert in either Crash magazine or Your Sinclair. It was for Young Persons Railcards.

Before you see it, you can bet your bottom dollar that the people responsible for it hate hindsight as much as I do.

So, here it is, then. Perhaps the most retrospectively apt and sinister printed advertisement in human history.

Seriously, you couldn't make it up.

My own (minor) problems this week are all of my own doing. Other than Gerry Adams's voice actor struggling to find work in a now non-existent skit, there's a bittersweet tale for me... a wasted opportunity.

I was printed in SFX magazine this month, the third time in four months. Not that you would know or even notice; the first problem is that it's a blink-and-you'll-miss-it mention in a mini-feature on the letters page. The second problem is that it's a reproduction from their website, and so has my online alias attached, rather than my own name. That's not the major problem, which has nothing to do with hindsight, and which I'll get to in a minute. It's purely my own fault. The name "Meddling Monkfish" is a pun on the first Time Lord the Doctor crossed paths with back in the '60s (The Meddling Monk) and the character played by Simon Day playing John Actor in the Fast Show (Monkfish). I first used it a few years ago, and have only recently switched back to going by my own name on stuff. Last month in SFX, I was published again under the pseudonym, commenting on the Wishlist feature about Transformers 3. Again, that was taken from the website, so again, it's my fault. Three months ago, I was the Guest SFXpert, under my own name for once, and with a photo and everything. The fact that I was telling a reader that the programme they remembered was Mulberry, starring Mockney Wanker Karl Howman, is irrelevant. Although it's nice seeing your own words published, seeing them under an online pseudonym cheapens the experience, not to mention the content, somewhat. Hindsight has, after several instances, taught me a lesson. If I am ever to get anything published, don't have a nom de plume. I'm not vain, not in the least, but it really does feel like someone else is copying and pasting your words.

So, the major problem with the latest 'appearance' in the mag? Well, a couple of months ago, they had a piece on their website asking readers to send their suggestions for which headlines they could be featuring in 2020. Sci-fi related ones, obviously. There was a promise that they would be featured in a future issue, so I decided to give it a shot. I was hoping that I could possibly be noticed by somebody, perhaps get an offer to do humorous bits for the mag.

I worked my bally socks off.

Here's my list:

• Scientologists proven right after all, as Xenu returns. Kevin Sorbo agrees to reprise his role of Hercules for the event.

• The Sun is also finally proven right, as Paul Daniels accepts the mantle of The Doctor. His assistant is played by the lovely Debbie McGee.

• The Digital Switchover still proceeds, almost on schedule.

• Saw: The Animated Series debuts on Cartoon Network, complete with laugh track.

• Following the Siege of Michael Bay, a reboot of the Transformers franchise is ordered by Paramount with a new director at the helm. Step forward, Roland Emmerich!

• The estate of Hayley Joel Osment give the go-ahead for Harvey Keitel to star in his life story.

• The sounds of barrels being scraped, as Hollywood scrabbles over itself to get as many comic book movies into cinemas as it can. Greenlit are Plantman, Dum-Dum Dugan and Northstar.

• Fred Hembeck finally destroys the Marvel Universe. Bendis goes on record to say, "See? That's what I was trying to do for years!"

• New BBC Controller Michael Grade puts Doctor Who on an 18-month suspension following low ratings. Current Doctor, Paul Daniels, is left with the blame by fans, unimpressed by his multi-coloured patchwork costume.

• The Turin Shroud's ongoing carbon dating finally concludes, revealing itself to be one of Stan Lee's old beach towels. Lee is quoted as saying that the eerie bearded image thereon was most likely created with gamma rays.

• In other Stan Lee news, it has been revealed that the 97-year old hasn't actually done anything for decades, being instead the figurehead of a team of faceless 'web creators'. When asked, Lee said, "Excelsior, True Believers!" and all was forgotten.

• Space 1999 is due for a remake. The exact reason for keeping it set 21 years in the past is unknown, but Barbara Bain is earmarked for a return. Vaseline® are said to be "delighted".

• In further Doctor Who news, current showrunner Dale Winton is optimistic in his plans for when the show returns in the Autumn of 2021. Rumours suggest a return of the Kandy Man (again!), the Drashig, and Sabalom Glitz. However, fans were left disappointed as the Ice Warriors were again denied a line-up in the return roster, having last appeared in 1974's The Monster of Peladon.

• And finally, the remake of Cocoon is a go! And it's set to feature former President Guttenberg in his return to acting, taking on the role made famous by Wilford Brimley, who was unavailable for comment but is apparently still alive. If he wasn't, bet he'd be spinning in his grave. Or urn.

• Following the BBC's policy to wipe old Doctor Who episodes, excitement rose amongst the legion of fans eager to reclaim lost David Tennant classics, as animated segments turned up in a bargain bin in a branch of Wellworths. Unfortunately, it turned out to be a copy of The Infinite Quest.

• Get your bank details ready! This year's Children in Need Doctor Who special is a sponsored Terrance Dicks-athon. Outspoken "Mounties" author Dicks will be sat in a bath of baked beans on the Tardis set, finishing every sentence with "you see". Sponsors are offered the chance to donate £1 for each count of this catchphrase/tic, which never gets tired in commentaries or documentaries. Pudsey was unavailable for comment.

• Litigation-baiting Harlan Ellison's been at it again, this time setting his sights on The Bible. Ellison's claim that it borrows heavily (and paradoxically) from episodes of The Outer Limits that he penned in the 1960s has been upheld. However, Ellison is unhappy at the revised characterisations between Testaments, and has had his credit removed. All future copies of The Holy Book will now be credited to one Cordwainer Bird. God was unavailable for comment, since He didn't fancy a lawsuit.

• Marvel has announced its new Earth-616-compliant Machine Man 2020 and Iron Man 2020 books, to celebrate this momentous new year. Issue 1 of each title will be released in March 2021, available in most good comic shops, some crap ones, and in overpriced trade paperbacks within weeks of publication. Barry Windsor-Smith is not involved, but rumour suggests Rob Liefeld is on board. Expect a flurry of misproportioned, tiny-headed spin-off material coming your way next year.

• Do you like monkeys? Of course you do. Everyone likes monkeys, including Howard 'Tomorrow's World' Stableford. Five years ago, he set about proving that old adage about an infinite number of monkeys with an infinite number of typewriters. Managing just one monkey, which he 'liberated' from Longleat Safari Park when everyone was distracted by an animatronic John Nathan-Turner during a Doctor Who convention, and a Sinclair ZX Spectrum 48k+, which he similarly liberated from the old BBC Micro Live studios back in 1984, he still wanted to see what his simian friend came up with. As well as a pretty nifty Jet Set Willy sequel, it did come up with some scripts. In a related story, brand new episodes of Robin Hood are on their way soon on BBC8, the new late-night 'mainstream experimental dregs' channel.

• In an unusual move, Sci-Fi/SyFy/Whatever has rebranded itself as NB/, which is unpronouncable by humans, but can be addressed by holding up a card featuring this unique symbol. The rebranded Channel Formerly Known As SyFy will be on air shortly, boasting its standard line-up of third-tier science fiction-lite ex-shows.

So, imagine my delight when they used one (yes, one) of my examples in a very small box-off on the latest issue's letters page. Possibly the weakest one. Here is their entire promised 'feature'. See if you can spot me.

Our feature on what the SF headlines will be 2020 ("Foetus Cast As New Doctor Who - 'Too Young!' Claim Fans") became a genuine internet phenomenon and promoted some great suggestions from posters: "RTD To Remake ITV Classic Demons!" (Andy); "Saw: The Animated Series Debuts On Cartoon Network!" (Meddling Monkfish); and "Hoverboard Invented - Accidents Involving Manure Skyrocket!" (Alex). See you online!

Did you spot it? They took the worst one from the list (in my humble opinion), cut it in half, then made me look like a twat by putting an exclamation mark at the end. In this case, then, I'm glad they used my pseudonym. I don't want sensationalist punctuation applied to anything I do. Unless I've done it myself, of course.

Hindsight, at least, has taught me not to bother again.

Finally, thanks for your continued pictures for The (Haunted) Gallery. Please keep sending them to the email address underneath the feature to the right, or post them directly onto my wall on Feckbook (if you're not on my friends list, there's a little widget thingy on the right to request).

Have a great weekend, folks.

Dub Be Good To Me

Hello, you.

First of all, don't forget to send me your crappy MS Paint pictures for The (Haunted) Gallery. Details on the right hand side and down a bit. Neil Buchanan's ouija board is waiting.

Now, one thing's been getting on my nerves a tad. Dubbing, specifically, where an advert or TV programme overdubs somebody's voice with another. Not where it's necessary, for animated characters for example, but where it's shoehorned in for the sake of it. Watch any number of adverts to see it in action. Here's a clip from Big Train to show you what I mean (there may be an advert at the start of the clip...).

That's for comedy purposes, obviously. I hope you spotted what I mean.

Here's an example of what I mean in real terms:

Horrendous. What really irks me about things like this is that the companies making them seem more than happy to assume that we won't notice that all they've done is take an existing foreign advert, and put a suspect VO on it. Absolutely no disrespect meant to any other nation when I say this, but mannerisms are as intrinsic to a country as its language. I'm sure that French viewers must get annoyed when they have to watch a kid saying that he'd like to do a merde at Paul's.

Speaking of which:

At what point did this advert get approved?!

Here's another aspect of dubbing that I really hate. From what I can tell, it's a British advert (if not, it's bloody good syncing on the mother), so why the bloody hell have they dubbed the kid with a new voice? Did they regret their decision after casting? I suppose the director must be a perfectionist. Somebody should tell him.

As far as adverts are concerned, if the companies involved (product manufacturers and their advertising agencies) can't be bothered to make a new advert for individual territories, then I can't be bothered to buy their product. It's one of those cash-saving decisions that can isolate their target audience. I find it extremely demeaning to my intelligence. I don't know about you.

You may have noticed I have a fondness for kids TV. At the moment, it's rife with a relatively new form of dub-fascism. Some cartoons are making their way over to the UK from America and Canada, and having some, or all, of the voices redubbed into regional British accents. It's always the same ones, too... the Jane Horrocks-esque Northern Female, The Slightly Scouse Male, The Mockney Male And Female, and The Lilting Edinburgh Male And Female. The Officially Fucking Awful dirtgirlworld does it, as do a lot of shows on Playhouse Disney which I have to watch with my daughter. Franny's Feet, for example, redubs most, but not all, voices with Horribly Offensive Regional British Stereotype Accents. So George Buza, who was fantastic as Beast in the X-Men cartoon, has his voice replaced with Stereotypical Slightly Bumbling Northern Old Man. They never used to rip shows apart like that. Even the American SuperTed series retained Jon Pertwee, and although Derek Griffiths didn't return, they got somebody providing a decent impression of him.

The reasons for redubbing shows for foreign TV channels are fairly obvious, but misguided. I grew up watching both British and American shows, and was fully aware which was which. It never affected my accent, speech patterns or dignity. I never had much of that anyway, but that's beside the point. The problem with trying to shoehorn in regional UK accents is that you're cheapening the product, creating something new which is neither one thing nor the other. Some things which are clearly not British end up looking worse than the original. Higglytown Heroes, another truly dreadful Playhouse Disney show, replaces its entire US cast with truly awful UK voices. My Friends Tigger and Pooh replaces the American actress for the main character with a British one, but keeps everyone else the same. Bizarre.

One of the worst is Little Einsteins, a show on, guess what, Playhouse Disney. My kids were confused when a Disney DVD advertised the show, and they sounded American. The UK version has replaced the cast entirely with horrible little UK urchins, who sound like they should be bullied in school.

The UK and US versions of The Little Einsteins. Which one of them do you want to punch first?

Well, the US version isn't much better, but it suits it at least. The UK version sounds like a bunch of posh drama school brats. It's very obviously not a British show.

But we have a winner. I can't embed the video, so you'll have to follow the link. http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b00p1mkx/Waybuloo_Fireflies/ Go to the 11 minute mark.

Merchandise me til I fart. If your child wants one for Xmas, disown them by all means.

If you're outside the UK, you may not be able to see it, and I envy you for that. It's a British show, but they've dubbed all of the kids in a similar way to that Big Train clip. It angers me. It really does. It's not the absolute worst thing about the show. Maybe the second worst. The worst thing is the nasty little CGI merchandisable fuckers missing out pronouns and speaking in the third person. It's teaching kids to be the idiots the makers clearly think they are. The only thing that cheers me up about this is the thought of the parents' faces who tried pushing their children into this car crash. "My son was on TV earlier," they'd say. "Why did he sound like a 45-year-old heavy smoker?"

To me, this poor dubbing, be it in adverts, cartoons or live action programmes, is a sign that we, the audience, are cretins. We're not good enough for new product, so we get recycled crap with a new stamp of approval from a pen-pusher. The quality of TV has been going down gradually of late, and it seems on every level. These kids shows will never be remembered fondly like the stuff my generation, and the ones previous, used to watch. People laugh at badly dubbed porn and martial arts movies. Why should adverts and kids shows be any different? Kids are very discerning; they know when they're being fobbed off with poor quality stuff.

I'll be talking about adverts in more length on another occasion. In the meantime, I'll leave you with this gentleman, a blubbery signpost of when advertisers poorly misjudge the public. Bye.

Can someone dub Mrs Doyle onto this?

QUICK! JONGLEURS BATTERSEA TONIGHT, FREE TICKETS!

Rob Deb has 20 free tickets (at time of typing) for Jongleurs Battersea tonight. He'll be getting there for 8pm, doors close at 8.15pm. Show starts at 9pm. Email comedyrob@hotmail.com NOW! you have to be very quick...

The (Haunted) Gallery

Ever sent in pictures to Tony Hart, and he never put them in the Gallery? Now's your chance to impress. His restless spirit is eager to look at your etchings, and he'll give his verdict through a ouija board that Neil Buchanan knocked up for us. Email your picture (250 x 250 pixels) to dystopianfuchsia@live.co.uk, putting "Gallery" as your subject.

Unfortunately, we cannot return your pictures.

Events.. over there, look. >>>

Hello, you.

A couple of events you might like to be aware of, if you're in That London tomorrow (which I won't be, alas). First up, Charlotte Jo Hanbury is improvising with a live jazz band at Spice of Life (Tel. 020 7739 3025, info@spicejazz.co.uk) tomorrow night. Secondly, same night, Mark Watson is headlining at Fat Tuesday Comedy Club, upstairs at The Compass (ticket info here).

If you've got a gig/event to plug, email me at dystopianfuchsia@live.co.uk.

Coming soon... The Gallery. ;) Keep 'em peeled.

Hole in the Schedule

I've once more found myself watching Saturday night telly. I think I blame it on the minor snippet of Doctor Who that was on in last night's Children in Need, what seemed like nineteen straight hours of television made by GCSE Drama students. Terry Wogan, disappointingly, didn't get Eurovision-drunk, Alesha Dixon spoke over and hurried on pleased-with-themselves-as-punch fundraisers (who carried on the CiN tradition of product placement and advertising), and Tess, Britain's worst, most offensive Daly after the Mail, mugging to the camera in the interests of self-promotion. KYTV's Brown Nose Day (watch the link I posted yesterday) is still spot on, nearly two decades on.

So, tonight then. I ended up watching the BBC turn even more into mid-90s ITV with Hole in the Wall. Apparently, it's been going for a while, and it used to be hosted by the camp Oompah Loompah from Supermarket Sweep. Now, in a bid to counter ITV's own racist judge in Cheryl Cole, they've got Anton du Beke, who surely must be missing a couple of 'K's from his surname. Tonight, five celebrities and Kate Lawler tried to make a very subtle statement on the Berlin Wall by showing that a lot of teamwork and patience can overcome any political obstacle, physical or otherwise. Actually, it was just an excuse to have a few Z-listers dress up in giant condoms and crouch a bit. Yep, the Beeb has resorted to star jumps for entertainment. It all looks like Tron if Peter Simon directed it. Do you wonder why your licence fee has been going up? It's because they've been spending it all on huge polystyrene blocks.

It all looks a little easy from the living room, but if they are going to be spending my money on game show props, I'd like them to make it a little more interesting.

I'm drawing the line at watching Excr-Factor tonight. Once was enough. For those that do watch it, enjoy the stitch-up on show, and wait for yet another phone-in scandal.

So, Doctor Who then. The segment from The End of Time Part 1 was great. Tennant seemed to be in his element, the Ood Elder had a very familiar voiceover (apparently, it is a Hollywood actor), and it did what it intended to do: hook fans into watching it at Xmas. It does seem a shame that Tennant is going, and that's what we're going to be watching; the final two episodes of this generation's Tom Baker. It is the end of a largely positive era of Doctor Who.

In the meantime, though, the Red Button service has Dreamland, seven daily CGI-animated episodes, set between the final specials and Waters of Mars.

Prior to its launch, Russell T Davies said that it's "like cinematic sequences from a game, only better". Yes, it is better than some PS1 cinematics. However, it's really stilted, and the faces are as badly realised as that McVities "Flying" advert. But, looks aside, it's a nice story, set in 1958. I don't care if Doctor Who looks like Ralph Bakshi's Lord of the Rings, so long as the story and quality of writing are up to scratch. Thankfully, that is the case here. The voice acting is very good (Tennant voicing his CGI doppelganger), but I recommend squinting whilst watching it. It would definitely have worked well as an audio play. Ah well, it's a little something to get us by until the main event at Xmas, and it is canonical at least.

As I type, Strictly Come Dancing has come on, Brucie and Daly adopting a Hole in the Wall-style pose. Time to go, methinks. I'm not going to end up watching this. I refuse.

Maybe next week.

The Incompletist

Howdy.

Firstly, don't forget, there's a 2-minute preview of The End of Time Part 1 on Children in Need tonight. The sequence comes from after the opening credits, apparently.

Oh, and there'll be some other stuff about charity and so forth.

I feel obliged to point you in the direction of the Children in Need website. Please give generously. With any luck, Wogan'll get tanked up like he used to on Eurovision.

I see that there's a Children in Need charity single with Peter Kay as well... on which note, I urge you in advance of Xmas to not buy any X Factor related singles. Reclaim the Xmas Number One.

I'm typing this as the final episode of The Sarah Jane Adventures is showing on BBC1. I missed yesterday's, so will catch up with both on iPlayer later. I recommend you do the same. It's a reminder of an earlier age, when kids' TV was made without patronising in mind. It doesn't talk down to its audience, and is probably as good as its parent show. Though Russell T Davies has very little to do with this spin-off, he has a strong background in children's television. He was responsible for Dark Season and Century Falls, which I strongly recommend you invest in. He also worked on Children's Ward and Why Don't You?, but, most notably, wrote three episodes of ChuckleVision, a career highlight. It probably explains some of his Doctor Who episodes, actually.

The only reason Dark Season and Century Falls got a DVD release was due to Davies's involvement following the success of Doctor Who. Not everything is so lucky, as I was reminded the other day. Kevin Cecil posted a clip of Fist of Fun in which he appeared via Twitter, which reminded me of a ritual I found myself in whilst working for HMV. For seven. Long. Years.

Once a week, I would check the in-store database for certain releases, all too often with a negative response. Loads of comedies, dramas, kids shows... all too often, nothing.

Kevin Eldon (as Simon Quinlank) and Kevin Cecil (as the trainspotter) in Fist of Fun

However, bit by bit, things I searched for found their way onto DVD. Between the Lines, GBH, A Bit Of Fry And Laurie, The Comic Strip Presents... My collection was starting to get that little bit more complete. Even things I had wanted to see again for years started finding their way onto shiny discs, like Absolutely. One particular show's arrival on DVD has been bittersweet... KYTV.

KYTV, featuring the late, lamented Geoffrey Perkins

Frustratingly, the first and second series have both been released, but the third, final series was pulled from the schedule, despite having a release date allocated. Nearly three years have passed, and still no sign of it. It was never a massively well-known programme, but the third series was superb, and we're missing out on the classic "Hot Crimes" ("Murder. Ruthless, bloody murder. Coming up, after the break.") and "Get Away With You" episodes. Slightly more frustratingly, Love Thy Neighbour and On The Buses had consistent releases.

Perhaps one reason why series 3 was pulled is because it's a little bit too close to home... Whereas KYTV started as a parody of Sky and lowest common denominator television, dumbed down tabloid rubbish, the BBC has been flying further down that route itself in recent years.

Other programmes that need to get released soon are the mighty Fist of Fun, The Mary Whitehouse Experience, Newman and Baddiel In Pieces, Happy Families, Inside Victor Lewis-Smith, even Alas Smith and Jones. The latter has seen a Best Of released, which is the ultimate piss-take, a fate reserved also for The Adam And Joe Show. I'll decide what's 'Best', thank you. These DVDs are often compiled by people who would put the clip of Del Boy falling through the bar in Only Fools and Horses on repeat. They are sorely misjudging their audience. So thank goodness for 4OD, having all four series of Adam and Joe available. The BBC iPlayer should be put to such great use with its back catalogue. It is, however, great to catch old radio series of Lee and Herring and the 99p Challenge, for example, through iPlayer. I just wish they'd realise what important material they're sat on. There's a sizeable part of their audience that they're ignoring. Indeed, the Beeb themselves turned down the chance to make Red Dwarf IX in the past couple of years, as it was "not a demographic they wanted to represent" or words to that effect. So, more rubbish like Two Pints, then.

Anyway, although it was pretty last minute, I did manage to advertise yesterday's Vikki Stone & Friends, with a little Google Map thingy indicating where the venue was. To remind you, if you have an event, gig, TV appearance, radio appearance, anything along those lines that you want to share, I'll happily advertise it on here for you.

Finally, just because this amused me greatly, a pic of Pudgey from David Schneider's site (made by Ross Owen).

By the way, please give generously, despite the quality of entertainment on offer tonight.

MyKidsTV.co.uk Article

Just to let you know, I wrote an article for MyKidsTV.co.uk.

Here it is:

http://www.mykidstv.co.uk/headline/childrens-television-the-reimagining/

Now, does anybody know of a decent event planner widget?!

Lowdown at the Albany Tonight - Vikki Stone and Friends

Morning, folks.

Vikki Stone has sent me details of a new music/comedy sketch show that's taking place tonight at 8pm, Lowdown at the Albany (by Great Portland Street tube station). Vikki Stone and Friends features Vikki Stone (naturally), Toulson and Harvey, Wil Andrews, Rachel Stubbings, Thom Tuck and The Noise Next Door. Sounds fantastic - if you're in the area, you should drop everything and go. I'm at the wrong side of the country (as ever), but you should definitely go. £7/6 is a bargain.

Here's the write-up:

Join musical filth mistress Vikki Stone and friends as they delve into their creative minds for new sketches, characters and songs, and see what brilliance spills forth ... Featuring Perrier nominated comedy duo Toulson & Harvey, characters from the multi-award winning Wil Andrews and more...

To book call 0207 7387 5706

To Book online Click Here

Cheers, Vikki. If you have any event you want advertising (free of charge!), let me know on Twitter, and I'll make sure you get mentioned. Free advertising's a Good Thing. I'm looking into ways of having an actual planner on here... can anyone recommend a blog gadget for that?

New stuff planned...

I've got a few things in the pipeline, so not much in the way of updates today.

One thing I want to do is a guide to what's "on"... stuff on TV worth catching and so on, but also as a way for comedians to remind people of upcoming gigs and such.

So, if you're a comedian who wants to advertise their forthcoming gigs/tours, or anything along those lines, send me a message on Twitter and I'll make sure it gets pride of place on here.

In the meantime, enjoy a few clips I made using Speechbreaker.co.uk. Sorry for the quality in places, but, like any bad workman, I blame the tools.

2nd New Header...

I've changed the header again, simply because Cole's insincere racist face was hurting my eyes. So, I do apologise with inflicting... him... on you.

Back later with more gubbins.

Ooh! New look!

You may have noticed I've made a header for the blog, something I've wanted to do since I set it up. The picture in the top right will hopefully be changed every so often, but in the meantime, it's this allegedly racist, violent idiot.

Any suggestions, let me know, and you will be credited for your idea. It's a bit like the Gallery from Take Hart with puerile or sarcastic messages thrown in. I sent a picture of E.T. to Tony Hart when I was six. The only Gallery he put it in was the small, round plastic gallery under his desk, the fucking cravat-wearing, fey-voiced, utterly talented bastard. Rest in peace, Tony.

Fireman Sam

Added Fireman Sam to Children's Television: The Re-Imagining...

... He sat in the only remaining chair in the room, averting his eyes as Bella's body was removed from the scene. Tearing his breathing apparatus from his face, he threw it to the floor, sending a plume of ash into the already choking atmosphere. He slumped forward in his seat, and buried his face deep in his hands, forcing back the tears. Miraculously, the grandfather clock still stood in the corner, a little worse for wear, scorched at the edges, but the pendulum swung disapprovingly at him, a wagging finger at his conscience. The constant tick tock tick tock tick tock why why why why won't it stop... The clock's face provided no answers, staring back at him sternly and unflinching. Yet another incident in Pontypandy with a tragic outcome, and he was in no doubt as to who did it. It was him. It was always him. The Price boy. The clock tick-tocked tick-tocked the fact back at him, that he had ample chance to stop him. Every time, he got away with it, like he had signed some Faustian pact under Satan's very letterhead. This was Sam's fault as much as Norman's. No more, he told himself. This ends here. Rising to his feet with renewed determination, he made his way to Jupiter, faithful old Jupiter. Its engine was, indeed, remarkably clean, he thought. Everyone told him so, but he'd never taken the time to appreciate it. He digressed; time to admire that later. Reaching for the sharpest looking fire axe, he tested it against his finger. It drew blood immediately. A smile spread across his face like a raging inferno, and he wrote the word 'revenge' in his own blood across Bella's broken door. Time to clear his conscience, once and for all, stop the mocking of the constant tick-tocking that reverberated its nagging, tutting opinion around his skull. Norman Price's deal with the Devil would soon be null and void.

Check out the rest of them here. :)

Simon and the Witch

I've updated Children's Television: The Re-Imagining with Simon and the Witch...

... It hard been a hard day, certainly. He had been distracted a little lately, and was finding it very difficult to get a full grasp of algebra. Now, he had to complete two pages of his textbook for his homework. He sighed, and made his way home. Although he wasn't one for cheating, perhaps his new friend could help him, conjure the answers into his workbook. He smiled, and the smell of a barbecue wisped around him, carried on the gentle summer breeze, making him ever so slightly hungry. He quickened his pace towards his house, eager to appease his growling stomach. As he turned into his street, nothing had quite prepared him for the sight that greeted him. It wasn't every day you saw an angry mob wielding burning torches, especially not one dancing around a burning pyre. Reverend Greene seemed to be conducting a ceremony, throwing holy water into the centre of the fire, chanting Biblical portents at its core. At the centre of the flames, Simon could see the witch, her smouldering form dotted with embers, in the middle of summoning some unholy daemon to wreak havoc and bloody vengeance upon her blood-baying audience. The smell hit Simon once more, and he really fancied a burger.

It's been added to the main article. Click here if you want to read them all. :)

Any suggestions for future entries, post them in the comments for that post. Ta.

The Coward and the Water Infection

Hello, you.

After the bizarre last couple of days, things have settled around here to a more manageable level of reality. We're carrying on as normal. We went to Tesco. We bought Peep Show series 6, Sarah Jane Adventures series 2, and Tekken 6. Oh, bugger. Forgot the food. Yep, business as usual.

Part of the normalcy was in watching a brand new Doctor Who episode, after a long wait. By the way, the next part of the blog may get a bit flushed with geekery, so by all means skip along. I promise I won't talk about you behind your back while you're reading further along. The same goes for people wanting to avoid spoilers. There will be a couple inevitably, for which I do apologise; I bloody hate reading spoilers. It riles me up no end. So, skip down to the big asterisk below to avoid spoilers, or anything relating to Doctor Who if you're not interested.

Still with me? Lovely. Aside from his excellent appearance on SJA a couple of weeks ago, we've been Doctor-less since the slightly lacklustre Planet of the Dead early this year, so I've been looking forward to the latest special, The Waters of Mars. So, after my wife had a bash on Tekken (I've yet to try it, but the loading times seem a little long...), it was finally time to settle down and watch the good Doctor.

I have to admit, I've been apprehensive of this special, for a couple of reasons. Firstly, I'm not a fan of episodes set in a confined space station, a particular staple of the Troughton era, for no other reason than it's been done to death. Pretty much anything that has the Doctor in his Guantanamo Bay space suit, I've not been a fan of; The Impossible Planet/The Satan Pit were okay, not great. 42 was abysmal. As I said, Planet of the Dead wasn't great either (not helped in any way by the Bionic Mockney from EastEnders); standard Russell T Davies fare, slightly too camp in places... however, the final five minutes of that had some beautiful gems for people following the show. "You be careful, because your song is ending, sir. It is returning, it is returning through the dark. And then Doctor... oh, but then...he will knock four times." This line of dialogue was spoken by the slightly psychic character, Carmen, and suddenly the whole episode had been worth watching. The part about his "song ending" directly references Ood Sigma, who gave the Doctor the same prophecy during the previous series, and made a cameo at the end of the new episode. Things are about to end for the Tenth Doctor, and he knows it.

So, The Waters of Mars, then. Very much like its past-set counterpart, The Fires of Pompeii (not least in terms of the title construction [definite article]+[element]+[preposition]+[place], etymology fans), it's set in a 'fixed point in history', which Time Lords are forbidden from interfering with. Captain Adelaide Brooke (Lindsay Duncan) and her crew have to die in Bowie Base One on that date, inspiring her granddaughter to pioneer humanity's spread throughout the stars. Also like its predecessor, the antagonists are not humans, but an alien influence on them. The Flood are a nicely conceived threat, monstrous, but with enough of the human showing through.

Scarily enough, I know someone who looks like this.

The episode in a largish nutshell:

So, the Doctor is arrested by Number Five from Short Circuit, and winds up in a Davison-era situation where nobody knows or trusts him. When he realises he can't interfere, he does his best to try to escape, but the crew won't let him. Cue Andy Stone eating a carrot and becoming one of the zombie-like Flood, quickly infecting Trina from EastEnders. Cue Base Under Siege for most of the rest of the episode, the Doctor unable or unwilling to contribute. As he is finally let out of the base, he walks away, the sounds of the crew succumbing to infection ringing in ears. When Shane from Neighbours blows up the shuttle to prevent Trina from getting to Earth (one drop of the water on the planet would potentially infect the whole population), the Doctor has a change of hearts. He makes it back to the base much quicker than he left, uses the annoying automaton Gadget to get to the Tardis, materialising it in the room. The base explodes, but the Tardis materialises on Earth, the Doctor having changed history by saving Adelaide and two of her crew. Oh, and Wall-E.

It's at this point that, for Doctor Who fans at least, things become very interesting. One of the survivors does the whole "it's bigger on the inside" thing, before shouting "who the hell are you?" and running away scared. This was a refreshing change. The Doctor has now adopted a dangerous arrogance. Like King Canute, he shouts his defiance against Time itself, pronouncing "Time Lord victorious"; he successfully changed history. So, Adelaide heads into her house and kills herself, as "nobody should have that much power". If nothing else, it's a very final way of winning the argument. This is the darkest the Doctor has ever been, and the first hint that the Valeyard is a very real possible future incarnation. Ood Sigma appears, the Doctor realises that he is going to die after all, and quickly gets into the Tardis, a scared man.

Like Planet of the Dead, the whole episode is justified by its last scenes. The trailer for The End of Time looks amazing.

Yay! Bernard Cribbins FTW!

So, overall, a nice episode, certainly the darkest that RTD has been involved with. Nice mention of the Ice Warriors, and as I said, refreshing that nobody was in awe and reverence of the Doctor, a technique used to nice effect in Midnight. The beginning of the end, and a nice way to kickstart Tennant's exit from the show.

* Spoiler avoiders, rejoin here.

Right, onto other stuff. Thanks to the genuinely lovely people who posted messages of support in my last blog. "Fuck you" to the anonymous idiot who did the opposite. I think I know the identity of the person in question; if not, they're doing a very good impression of them, and it's just a big coincidence. The upshot of it is, don't kick a man when they're down. The anonymous poster's comments have unfortunately led me to set the blog so that only members can post. So, if you do want to post, you'll have to follow the blog from the link at the top. Sorry about that. I can take criticism, but I don't think it's fair to have me at a disadvantage over their identity. I'm all for freedom of speech, and that's as far as moderation goes for now. I hate people hiding behind internet courage, particularly if they have a personal gripe with me. I've had a very bad time of it lately, and one point of this blog (for me, anyway; sorry to drag you along for the ride) is to work things through. So, again, thanks to those who've been supportive. It's greatly appreciated.

Finally for now, self promotion. I made an app on Facebook some time ago, so I'll abuse my blogly powers by plugging it here shamelessly. It's called Keanumotions:

... and there's a preview at the end of this blog. You get the idea.

So, have a butcher's if you are on Feckbook, and it'd be appreciated if you become a fan of it on the link above. If I get to 25 fans, I can apparently give it a proper URL.

I've started a Blogroll on the left, highlighting other blogs that I read. If you want me to plug yours, let me know.

Sorry this blog's been a little humourless again, but sometimes it only takes one person.

Take care, and bless you all. Even you.

Oh, quick edit/update, Peter Serafinowicz cheered me up on Twitter the other day by replying to one of my questions (every other night, he requests that his followers send him random questions, and he answers some of them with a funny answer, bless him). Here is the much-retweeted response:

serafinowicz

Who's the strongest Bee Gee? (via @IanHewett) Hercules Gibb.11:33 PM Nov 12th from Tweetie
That made me smile. :) Bye for now, hope to have a slightly more uplifting blog for you next time.

Evil Keanu

sent: 46

Bashful Keanu

sent: 70

Sad Keanu

sent: 6

Happy Keanu

sent: 168

Angry Keanu

sent: 58

6 Twins and a Psychopath

What an interesting 24 hours I've had.

When I say 'interesting', I mean 'mind-bogglingly devastating'.

So, where to begin? Well, my wife and I decided to have a party at our house. We've lived here for 3 years, and it's the first one we've had, so it's kind of a housewarming. One that's been in quarantine, and for good reason, as it turned out.

It was mainly a family affair, never intended to be anything other than a quiet night of drinking and company. One of the non-family members got increasingly worse for wear, and it would be really unfair of me to publish his list of misdemeanours throughout the night. So here they are:

• Smashing a bottle of Sambuca on my kitchen floor.
• Playing my wife's drumkit at extremely unsociable hours.
• Going to my bathroom to use my razor (ever so slightly creepy, no?).
• Grabbing my sister-in-law by the throat and calling her a c*nt.
• Tipping a bottle of supermarket brand Bailey's substitute over his face and, again, onto my kitchen floor.
• Pouring a bottle of vodka over me when I was minding my own business, nearly ruining my new sofa.
• Threw my daughter's pram down the stairs towards myself and some of my wife's family.
• Refused to leave when I threatened to call the police on him.
• Nearly put my kitchen window through.
• Called my mother-in-law some very nasty names to her face.
• After being thrown out by myself, he returned at about 3 in the morning, and when I refused to let him in, he said "you're nothing. Get a fucking job."
• Called me a c*nt several times, very loudly, from my front gate when I told him to piss off.

I'm sure my neighbours were delighted.

He's got a point about the job, but I'd like to play the "people in glass houses" card, since he's never actually had one. I am actually trying to find work, but after 10 years of almost continuous employment, I'm finding it really difficult to remedy this. People unfortunate enough to know me know that I want to be a writer (one of the reasons I made this blog is because I love writing, and I hope it shows), but it's not that simple. It never is.

So, after ejecting a drunken, violent psychopath from my abode last night (twice), I apologise if this blog is a little depressing. I'm not in a great mood. Normal service will return soon.

My mood is so bad, I actually watched X Factor tonight, despite my own warnings in an earlier blog entry. I have no idea what the contestants' names are, apart from those twins. These were my observations:

• Simon Cowell has a perfectly rectangular head.
• It's great that Brian May doesn't have a single grey hair at his age. How does he do it?
• There was a child in a shirt made of red and black UDG pixels from the Spectrum era, who had a very weak voice and performance, so he'll probably go far.
• One of the contestants (the one who looks like he belongs in mid-80s era Neighbours as one of Scott and Charlene's friends) somehow cracked his knuckle. They very coyly brushed over how this happened. He sang "Don't Stop Me Now", which was most inapt. The frustration of a week's worth of having his favourite hand in bandages was quite clear. Dannii Minogue called him (and several others) the best performer in the competition. I must call your bluff, Minogue, for you yourself know you are talking bollocks.
• It's the worst X-Men spin-off I've ever seen, but would benefit from an appearance by Apocalypse. However, Simon Cowell is looking more like Mr Sinister every time I see him.

• Roger Taylor claims that one of the contestants has the most soul in the competition. Roger, he's an X Factor contestant, ergo by this stage, he has no soul.
• Another soulless drone is Cheryl Cole. Every time I see her, why do I get the impression she was a school bully?
• Freddie Mercury's spinning in his grave. The gentle rotation of a cadaver is more tuneful than anything I heard on the show.
• Dermot O'Leary was walking around like he'd had a little accident.
• I wonder which one of the twins will go through puberty first.
• "We met Queen. The band. We didn't meet the Queen," burbles John or Edward. Thanks for clearing that up, Child of the Damned.
• The twins' performance evoked memories of PJ and Duncan, and their jackets really made me want to roast a chicken.
• It's dreadful that Queen and David Bowie covered a Vanilla Ice song.
• Louis Walsh claims that the twins appeal to 'the kids'. Um... which kids, exactly? Emo kids looking for that one final excuse to actually cut their wrists this time?
• I wasn't sure which one was which. It turns out that John is the smug, squeaky one, and Edward is the squeaky, smug one.

• I'm looking forward to Cradle of Filth week.
• John and Edward isn't a very catchy name. I suggest Arse Over Tit.
• I'm pretty sure Cowell drank some Polyjuice Potion at one point after the twins performed.
• We Are The Champions was a great show, and it was nice that Queen wrote a song about it. It's interesting to note that host Ron Pickering died in the same year as Freddie Mercury.
• "No time for losers," as one of the lyrics in that song mentions, but I could see plenty of them.

Apparently, Shaky-Ra is on tomorrow's show. I shall not be watching. Once was enough. One bright point was Calvin Harris being thrown out of the studio when he invaded the stage when the twins were on, with a pineapple strapped to his head. Genius.

I stupidly left ITV1 on following the Karaoke Show, and what star-studded show did they have to offer? Piers Morgan! Vinnie Jones! Time to turn over!

BBC1... The Impressions Show With Culshaw and That One From Opportunity Knocks. The only talented impressionist from the mercifully dead Dead Ringers, Culshaw has a 70% hit rate with spot-on impressions, which is great. His Ross Kemp is weak, but his Gordon Brown and Tom Baker (when he does it) are spot on. It's the inverse Rory Bremner (the man who, when he appears on any panel show, is miraculously handed impressions rounds). They are two sides of the same coin, and it cannot be a coincidence that they look so similar.

Rory Bremner, despite being perhaps a slightly better impressionist, is not funny. You only have to watch him on Mock the Week or early Whose Line Is It Anyway? to see that all he ever does, all he ever has done, is perform a reasonably current, albeit impressive, impression, usually of a politician, but the material itself is dire. To call it comedy is stretching it a bit. Culshaw is a very impressive impressionist, and has a genuine sense of humour about him. As I said, some of his impressions need a bit of work, but he, at least, keeps the majority of his stuff away from politics. Perhaps the fact that we don't really have any politicians of note any more has led to Bremner's stuff seeming very tired.

As for Culshaw's new show, it's pretty much The Big Impression 2.0. Its strength versus Dead Ringers is that you don't have hangers-on (*cough*Jan Ravens*cough) stating who they're supposed to be at the start of every 'sketch'. However, the material itself is pretty weak, but this is Saturday Night Television we're talking about here, aimed at the sort of people that the BBC thinks makes up its viewers. I only ventured into it tonight on a whim... shan't do something so reckless again. I just hope he does his best impression, the Fourth Doctor, every now and again. That might be enough to tempt me to watch it. I'll be watching the real thing tomorrow night, during which I'll have a geekgasm. You have been warned.

Now, to catch up with the mighty The Thick Of It on iPlayer. In the meantime, please take time to follow my blog in the link at the top of the page. Have a lovely day/night/evening/pie (delete as appropriate).

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