Guest post #2: Stu Hall

Morning. Play this first:

Here's the second guest blog post from Stu Hall. Enjoy.

Hello Dears.

It is a pleasure to write a guest spot on Ian's blog, Dystopian Fuchsia. I've been an avid reader of the site for literally hundreds and hundreds of years. And by writing that, what I actually mean is, I recently stumbled across it when Ian and I began following one another on Twitter. Still, I'm here now, and I feel compelled to write something.

STOP STARING AT ME.

Like Ian, I have spent part of my career working in the retail sector. While Ian worked in a record store, I worked in a book store. Because of the wonderful way of the world, I actually ended up selling a few CDs and I imagine that Ian probably sold a few books. That's what happens when you let monster big-box stores take over the world. See what you've done? It's all YOUR fault.

Although the wage is generally poor, “working retail” inside one of these many evil corporate concrete blocks helps you to develop some important personal skills. First of all, it makes you a better listener. It also gives you a bit of humility, something that everyone except for me lacks. On the other hand, you really need to enjoy the job. If you don't, it becomes easy to turn into a twisted, vengeful ball of hate who views anyone daring to enter the shop, with disgust.

The best way to prevent yourself from hating everyone in the universe, even kittens, is to spot annoying, troublesome customers before they spot you. The second best way is to write about it, detailing..... the common habits of annoying customers in a book store.

The Common Habits of Annoying Customers in a Book Store: Their questions and the answers I wish I could give

Q. I saw a book here 52 years ago, it had a red cover.

A. Have you tried the Red Cover section? We don't have one. We tend to classify our books by title, author or ISBN code. Try it.

Q. Do you have Oprah's pick?

A. I realise that she is the female Jesus, but I have no idea which of The Chosen One's particular favourites you are talking about. And before you ask, no. No, we do not have an “Oprah Section”.

Q. Do you sell Turtles/Hedge Strimmers/Rucksacks filled with real beating hearts?

A. Just because Tesco sell books does not mean that we sell rolls of toilet paper, bulk packages of nappies or Rock Band 2 for the X-Box 360.

Q. Do you sell the 1897 limited release classic “Oh Yoreth, how my blue balls ache”

A. It is a book store, not the inside of The Tardis. We can only hold a certain number of books, as governed by the walls that surround the building. We could hold more, but then there would be no room for customers. Sounds wonderful, I know, but it isn't really pursuant to a successful business.

Q. Can you order “Classic Moments of Coronation Street In Painstakingly Verbose, Mundane, Suicide-Inducing Paragraphs: 1978-1979” by tomorrow? I need it for a wank, I mean, exam.

A. A lack of organisation on your part does not constitute and emergency on my part. Stop pretending I am evil because I cannot make the book materialise before your stupid, pouchy, screwed up, vile face. Several years ago, everyone was stuck with mail order. Now you can get a book, usually, within 2-3 days. Go home.

Q. What do you mean, 'out of print'?

A. Thousands of people, who are more organised than you, have already bought it. It is not my fault that the publisher decided to not take fuckwits into account. Stop acting as though all the world's books are printed in our back room.

Q. Will you ask Janet Evanovich/Dean Koontz/Nora Roberts/Maeve Binchy/Some Other Dull, Boring, Formulaic Writer to hurry up and finish their next book?

A. Whatever answer I give is not as funny as the fact that you are genuinely asking this question. I appreciate people sometimes ask this as a joke, but I have had customers who are genuinely asking me to chase up their favourite writer. Please... EXCUSE ME, for I must FLY to New York on behalf of CENTRE OF THE UNIVERSE BOOKSTORE LTD for my publishing BRUNCH with Sue 'F is for Fucking' Grafton.

Q. Why are books so expensive?

A. They're not, you tight arsed, shit-eating-grin wearing bastard. Why is it that the people who ask why books are expensive are the same people who fold open their bulging wallets so that they can gently tease out a crisp £20 note with the kind of precision that is normally reserved for gatherings around the dining room table to play the classic electronic board game 'Operation'?

Here's an idea: Why don't you make a book that's cheaper, piss-pants?

GO ON. DO IT NOW.

Say for example you had been working on a beautiful masterpiece, which you had provisionally entitled “The Hen That Repeatedly Stabbed My Face”. You could get it self-published through a company such as lulu.com, who wouldn't give a shit how awful it is. Lulu would charge you about £12 for a 400 page hardcover. You might be thinking “wow, that's a decent price”. You might also be thinking, “wow, that's so cheap that this mysterious Lulu must be a whore”. Well it would be a decent price....

Except you need to add shipping. I can't be fucked to look it up, but however much it is, it's another cost.

WAIT! Don't forget that you want to sell it in a shop. Because you are not a major publishing house, most book stores will either refuse to sell it at all, or they will want about 50% of your profit. Unless you know an indie-shop that will sell your book, suddenly you have to set your price at over £24.

Ok, let's say I'm wrong and you do get it in a shop. Congratulations, you contrary monkey faced idiot. Someone is willing to display your tat. Sadly, you do not see any money from this transaction until the book actually sells. In the meantime, if the book is stolen, you don't get anything at all. Same goes for if the book becomes damaged by a customer (or member of staff). You'd better factor that into the price of your “book”. By now you'll be needing to sell it for silly money. Thanks Lulu, you cock tease.

Still think books are expensive? You make me sick. Physically, violently sick. I'm dry retching now, just thinking about you.

Q. I can get it for 50pence on Amazon!!!!!!

A. Stop wasting your time, and more importantly, my time... and the time of genuine customers who are waiting behind you. The ones who are drilling masonry sized holes into the back of your skull using their eyes. Log on to Amazon, buy the book, and don't forget to choose “Free super-saver delivery”.

What's that? You want it NOW? Then it's four times the price, dick face. Amazon is a fancy schmancy distributor with a website, not a traditional book store.

Q. I can get it for £2 at Tesco.

A. Tesco also illegally break into farm yards and literally strangle the money from farmers pockets in exchange for milk, beat Chinese children close to death in exchange for jumpers and probably punch horses in the face and steal their eyes for marbles. They can afford to sell books at close to loss.

Q. Will you sell my book here?

A. No, it's shit. Really, really awful. Terrible. Get out of here.

@StuHall contributes to comedy website http://www.teamfishcake.co.uk and has a semi-regularly updated blog at http://www.anythingbutthepoutine.com

(PS No, that wasn't my voice in the clip. Thanks for asking though.)