Hindsight.

Hindsight's a nasty little madam. I'm already regretting the name of this blog entry.

My last post (here), about badly dubbed adverts and kids shows, missed a joke I was going to include all along. I just completely forgot to put it in. It was about Gerry Adams. Now the moment's gone, and so has the joke. I'll have to dream up another occasion in which to use it.

As I was trawling back through the site the other day, I came across my posts about a certain Pop Paedophile, and with adverts still in mind, I had an involuntary flashback. Back in 1988 or 1989, I saw an advert in either Crash magazine or Your Sinclair. It was for Young Persons Railcards.

Before you see it, you can bet your bottom dollar that the people responsible for it hate hindsight as much as I do.

So, here it is, then. Perhaps the most retrospectively apt and sinister printed advertisement in human history.

Seriously, you couldn't make it up.

My own (minor) problems this week are all of my own doing. Other than Gerry Adams's voice actor struggling to find work in a now non-existent skit, there's a bittersweet tale for me... a wasted opportunity.

I was printed in SFX magazine this month, the third time in four months. Not that you would know or even notice; the first problem is that it's a blink-and-you'll-miss-it mention in a mini-feature on the letters page. The second problem is that it's a reproduction from their website, and so has my online alias attached, rather than my own name. That's not the major problem, which has nothing to do with hindsight, and which I'll get to in a minute. It's purely my own fault. The name "Meddling Monkfish" is a pun on the first Time Lord the Doctor crossed paths with back in the '60s (The Meddling Monk) and the character played by Simon Day playing John Actor in the Fast Show (Monkfish). I first used it a few years ago, and have only recently switched back to going by my own name on stuff. Last month in SFX, I was published again under the pseudonym, commenting on the Wishlist feature about Transformers 3. Again, that was taken from the website, so again, it's my fault. Three months ago, I was the Guest SFXpert, under my own name for once, and with a photo and everything. The fact that I was telling a reader that the programme they remembered was Mulberry, starring Mockney Wanker Karl Howman, is irrelevant. Although it's nice seeing your own words published, seeing them under an online pseudonym cheapens the experience, not to mention the content, somewhat. Hindsight has, after several instances, taught me a lesson. If I am ever to get anything published, don't have a nom de plume. I'm not vain, not in the least, but it really does feel like someone else is copying and pasting your words.

So, the major problem with the latest 'appearance' in the mag? Well, a couple of months ago, they had a piece on their website asking readers to send their suggestions for which headlines they could be featuring in 2020. Sci-fi related ones, obviously. There was a promise that they would be featured in a future issue, so I decided to give it a shot. I was hoping that I could possibly be noticed by somebody, perhaps get an offer to do humorous bits for the mag.

I worked my bally socks off.

Here's my list:

• Scientologists proven right after all, as Xenu returns. Kevin Sorbo agrees to reprise his role of Hercules for the event.

• The Sun is also finally proven right, as Paul Daniels accepts the mantle of The Doctor. His assistant is played by the lovely Debbie McGee.

• The Digital Switchover still proceeds, almost on schedule.

• Saw: The Animated Series debuts on Cartoon Network, complete with laugh track.

• Following the Siege of Michael Bay, a reboot of the Transformers franchise is ordered by Paramount with a new director at the helm. Step forward, Roland Emmerich!

• The estate of Hayley Joel Osment give the go-ahead for Harvey Keitel to star in his life story.

• The sounds of barrels being scraped, as Hollywood scrabbles over itself to get as many comic book movies into cinemas as it can. Greenlit are Plantman, Dum-Dum Dugan and Northstar.

• Fred Hembeck finally destroys the Marvel Universe. Bendis goes on record to say, "See? That's what I was trying to do for years!"

• New BBC Controller Michael Grade puts Doctor Who on an 18-month suspension following low ratings. Current Doctor, Paul Daniels, is left with the blame by fans, unimpressed by his multi-coloured patchwork costume.

• The Turin Shroud's ongoing carbon dating finally concludes, revealing itself to be one of Stan Lee's old beach towels. Lee is quoted as saying that the eerie bearded image thereon was most likely created with gamma rays.

• In other Stan Lee news, it has been revealed that the 97-year old hasn't actually done anything for decades, being instead the figurehead of a team of faceless 'web creators'. When asked, Lee said, "Excelsior, True Believers!" and all was forgotten.

• Space 1999 is due for a remake. The exact reason for keeping it set 21 years in the past is unknown, but Barbara Bain is earmarked for a return. Vaseline® are said to be "delighted".

• In further Doctor Who news, current showrunner Dale Winton is optimistic in his plans for when the show returns in the Autumn of 2021. Rumours suggest a return of the Kandy Man (again!), the Drashig, and Sabalom Glitz. However, fans were left disappointed as the Ice Warriors were again denied a line-up in the return roster, having last appeared in 1974's The Monster of Peladon.

• And finally, the remake of Cocoon is a go! And it's set to feature former President Guttenberg in his return to acting, taking on the role made famous by Wilford Brimley, who was unavailable for comment but is apparently still alive. If he wasn't, bet he'd be spinning in his grave. Or urn.

• Following the BBC's policy to wipe old Doctor Who episodes, excitement rose amongst the legion of fans eager to reclaim lost David Tennant classics, as animated segments turned up in a bargain bin in a branch of Wellworths. Unfortunately, it turned out to be a copy of The Infinite Quest.

• Get your bank details ready! This year's Children in Need Doctor Who special is a sponsored Terrance Dicks-athon. Outspoken "Mounties" author Dicks will be sat in a bath of baked beans on the Tardis set, finishing every sentence with "you see". Sponsors are offered the chance to donate £1 for each count of this catchphrase/tic, which never gets tired in commentaries or documentaries. Pudsey was unavailable for comment.

• Litigation-baiting Harlan Ellison's been at it again, this time setting his sights on The Bible. Ellison's claim that it borrows heavily (and paradoxically) from episodes of The Outer Limits that he penned in the 1960s has been upheld. However, Ellison is unhappy at the revised characterisations between Testaments, and has had his credit removed. All future copies of The Holy Book will now be credited to one Cordwainer Bird. God was unavailable for comment, since He didn't fancy a lawsuit.

• Marvel has announced its new Earth-616-compliant Machine Man 2020 and Iron Man 2020 books, to celebrate this momentous new year. Issue 1 of each title will be released in March 2021, available in most good comic shops, some crap ones, and in overpriced trade paperbacks within weeks of publication. Barry Windsor-Smith is not involved, but rumour suggests Rob Liefeld is on board. Expect a flurry of misproportioned, tiny-headed spin-off material coming your way next year.

• Do you like monkeys? Of course you do. Everyone likes monkeys, including Howard 'Tomorrow's World' Stableford. Five years ago, he set about proving that old adage about an infinite number of monkeys with an infinite number of typewriters. Managing just one monkey, which he 'liberated' from Longleat Safari Park when everyone was distracted by an animatronic John Nathan-Turner during a Doctor Who convention, and a Sinclair ZX Spectrum 48k+, which he similarly liberated from the old BBC Micro Live studios back in 1984, he still wanted to see what his simian friend came up with. As well as a pretty nifty Jet Set Willy sequel, it did come up with some scripts. In a related story, brand new episodes of Robin Hood are on their way soon on BBC8, the new late-night 'mainstream experimental dregs' channel.

• In an unusual move, Sci-Fi/SyFy/Whatever has rebranded itself as NB/, which is unpronouncable by humans, but can be addressed by holding up a card featuring this unique symbol. The rebranded Channel Formerly Known As SyFy will be on air shortly, boasting its standard line-up of third-tier science fiction-lite ex-shows.

So, imagine my delight when they used one (yes, one) of my examples in a very small box-off on the latest issue's letters page. Possibly the weakest one. Here is their entire promised 'feature'. See if you can spot me.

Our feature on what the SF headlines will be 2020 ("Foetus Cast As New Doctor Who - 'Too Young!' Claim Fans") became a genuine internet phenomenon and promoted some great suggestions from posters: "RTD To Remake ITV Classic Demons!" (Andy); "Saw: The Animated Series Debuts On Cartoon Network!" (Meddling Monkfish); and "Hoverboard Invented - Accidents Involving Manure Skyrocket!" (Alex). See you online!

Did you spot it? They took the worst one from the list (in my humble opinion), cut it in half, then made me look like a twat by putting an exclamation mark at the end. In this case, then, I'm glad they used my pseudonym. I don't want sensationalist punctuation applied to anything I do. Unless I've done it myself, of course.

Hindsight, at least, has taught me not to bother again.

Finally, thanks for your continued pictures for The (Haunted) Gallery. Please keep sending them to the email address underneath the feature to the right, or post them directly onto my wall on Feckbook (if you're not on my friends list, there's a little widget thingy on the right to request).

Have a great weekend, folks.