Cat Moron

Evening.

I was originally going to tell you all about what my cat got up to last night. As much as I enjoy the odd bit of schadenfreude, I don't like being on the receiving end of it.

Suffice to say, there's a time and a place. Worst night's sleep I've had in ages.

It was one of those moments that seems to go on for a long time in slow motion, like you can't quite believe what's just happened... it's still going on now. It didn't help that this happened at 4 in the morning. One of three cats, Kupo is usually good. Now, I couldn't work out whether the look on his face was "I've been naughty" or "Ha! I got away with it, you stupid fucker".

A cat yesterday

Animals are ridiculous, aren't they? I'm not saying that in an anti-conservationist sort of a way, but what's the fucking point in them? Domestic animals, at least. Ones which aren't delicious. That you know of. You spend a small fortune on them, get emotionally attached to them, then expect them to say "sorry" when they do something to piss you off. Since That's Life! isn't on anymore, it's pointless waiting for that. You can't reason with them, they shed enough fur on your carpet to worry PETA, and force you to start smoking to get rid of the smell of damp quadruped. Animals are bastards, and they know it.

Last October, I had one cat. One. His name's Tifa. We thought he was a female when we 'rescued' him from someone, but as we found out, he was a very well neutered male, but he's now stuck with a female Final Fantasy VII character's name. Just over a year ago, I heard a cat crying outside. I saw a small black cat on my roof. It had somehow got stuck up there, so being the sentimental fool I am, I coaxed it down. Well, having a dead cat on your roof can really devalue your house.

It was at this point that its master plan kicked in. It ran into my house, into the kitchen, and directly to Tifa's food bowl, as though it had the blueprints to my fucking house. It wouldn't leave. The stray little bastard wouldn't get out.

By March, she was still here, and we realised that Vivi (as we called her, a male Final Fantasy IX character... we're really great at naming animals per gender) was pregnant. She gave birth to a litter of 6, one of which died. I had to deliver them all, as she seemed disinterested at the best of times. So, I managed to save the lives of five of them, leaving us with 7 cats in the house. We decided that as soon as she had weaned the kittens, we were going to get her spayed. We managed to re-home two of the kittens, keeping two, with my sister-in-law who was staying with us keeping the other. Just before we managed to get Vivi to the vet, she managed to escape, and get herself up the duff again.

Come August, she gave birth to a litter of seven, six surviving. Muggins here had to deliver them again. This left us with eleven cats in the house. Eleven. We'd had enough, and got Vivi and her new batch of Gremlins to a rescue centre, and had Mirage (female kitten, named after a male Transformer) and Kupo (male kitten) spayed and neutered respectively. This one stray cat invading our home had cost us a few extra hundred quid in the 10 months or so she was with us. Don't feel bad for her. She was fucking weird. She ate potato peelings, a habit her daughter has inherited.

So, I've gone from being an animal lover to a conscientious objector in less than 12 months. Now I think they're self-serving bastards. If an animal looks at you directly in the eyes, and you think they're 'cute', you've just fallen under their mesmer-stare. They don't love you. You're a dupe. They know that if they act in a certain way, show you faux-affection, they'll get fed. It's all about shagging, eating and sleeping. So maybe they're not that different to people after all. Like people, though, they are bastards. No two ways about that. My one piece of advice is this: draw the line at being too nice to strays. You will suffer.

Right, before I go and feed my delightful cats, just time to mention the Caption Competition.

I'll be doing one of these a week, and hopefully with better pictures. Post your entries on the Feckbook group (link at the top).

I still want your Gallery pictures, too. Instructions under the (Haunted) Gallery box on the right.

G'night!