Brown Trousers Time For Bumbling Twat

It makes me proud to be British that our Prime Minister is capable of fucking up so royally right in the midst of a General Election campaign. Yesterday, he left his microphone on as he got into his car, after speaking to Rochdale pensioner Gillian Duffy. She gave Brown her views on immigration. Brown, fixed smile dropping quicker than a broken Mr Potato Head, got into the car, unaware that the attached microphone was still broadcasting. Quite how he failed to notice it was there is beyond me (see image below).

It turns out that the microphone is still there. Here we can provide you with some of the snippets that Brown may not be that comfortable with sharing publicly.

• Apparently, Sarah had a headache last night, and this morning his Coco Pops were a "sensible choice".
• Brown was watching David Cameron on TV last night. There's a strange fapping noise on the audio, don't know what it is...
• ... but you can just make out Brown muttering "oh, David" in his macho Scots brogue.
• Brown watched In The Night Garden this morning during breakfast. Iggle Piggle's "very cheeky".
• Before getting to work, Gordon sacrificed a goat, as is tradition.
• Gordon, feeling a little blue, said to Sarah: "I wish I was handsome like David. He's dreamy." She assured him that he's handsome to her, although he's "no Tony".
• Gordon downed a bottle of Panda pop and 2 Wham bars for a bet.
• Apparently, Ed Balls is just a nickname.
• There's a third, secret Milliband, which they're keeping in reserve in case one breaks.
• Lord Mandelson thinks that evil is "moreish".
• Gordon has just given a pep talk to his cabinet. The microphone is really good at picking up rolling tumbleweeds.
• There's a chilling sawing noise. I think Alistair Darling is trimming his eyebrows.
• Gordon's just put his face in the fridge to set it again. It's melting like on Darkman.
• Now he's singing. Good acoustics in the fridge, and he has the voice of an angel.
• Oh, my mistake. The radio's on in the background. It was actually Bonnie Tyler.
• Gordon's just told Mandelson that his third nipple is chaffing. Mandelson's offered to rub special ointment into it.
• Gordon needs a wee. He's just said it's probably because he was picking dandelions on the way to work.
• Gordon's lining up a speech. It mentions The Scunner Campbell, Jossy's Giants and Rentaghost.
• Mandelson's told Gordon that he has one wish remaining, and he'd better make it a good one.
• Gordon has just walked into a wall, and muttered something about "fucking depth perception".
• Mandelson just said, "Fly, fly my pretties." I'm not sure what he's just unleashed, but watch the skies.
• He's making the Millibands fight each other in a cage now.
• Gordon's just read the front pages, realised the microphone is still on, and is gently sobbing. Mandelson has tenderly kissed him on the forehead.

Incidentally, mid-Atlantic moral disappointment Tony Blair, since stepping down, set up the "Tony Blair Faith Foundation", which is an anagram of "Out-Of-Hand Fart On Inability". Maybe he had Gordon in mind when he named it. "Gordon Brown Faith Foundation", if ever established, is an anagram of "Tart Now Boo-Hooing In Dandruff".

As you can see, Gordon is taking his blunder in good humour.

The other party leaders have responded in different ways. Thinking that any publicity is good publicity, David Cameron has called an unemployed single mother a "cunt". Nick Clegg has declined to comment, but is said to be waiting to see where public opinion falls on whether Mrs Duffy is indeed a crusty old anachronistic bigot. Nick Griffin, meanwhile, accidentally left his mic on, and was heard moaning about some tolerant woman. He has also gone so far as to adopt Mrs Duffy as an unofficial BNP mascot. Jim Davidson is "gutted".

Gordon Brown has declined to comment further, but we're just waiting for the dictaphone he sat on the other day to re-emerge.