Jingle Balls

It's the most wonderful time of the year. People become increasingly rude and aggressive, you can't move in the high street for thousands of drones walking slowly in front of you, Easter eggs are in the shops, and the suicide rate skyrockets.

Welcome to Xmas. Ho, ho, ho.

*Other pagan-based festivals hijacked by a mainstream religion are available.

I have worked most of the past 10 years in retail. It's a fucking nightmare on the other side of the counter, and never appreciated. To any of my old colleagues reading this, I don't envy you, and wish you the best of luck this Yuletide clusterfuck of chaos. Seemingly endless lines of sour-faced gratitude-dodgers, personally blaming YOU if you've run out of a particular item, or if it hasn't actually been released yet. I was in a shop yesterday (not as a member of staff), and was approached by a woman pushing a pram like she had a grudge against it. "Oi," she barked, "show me where the prams are." I told her I didn't work there, and she stormed off, not before drooling the words "fucking" and "joke". Well, sorry, madam, I was an innocent bystander. I hope your child learns its manners and respect from a sympathetic teacher instead of its vile progenitor.

I understand that people get agitated at this time of year. There's a hell of a lot of pressure in the media and from peers in making sure you get exactly what your family wants, much more so than even 10 years ago. However, there really is no excuse for taking it out on shop workers. Admittedly, some of them are just Xmas temps who may not want to be there but want the wage, but the vast majority are people who have had to put up with a lot of abuse and ingratitude from frustrated, impatient morons who look down on them simply because they "only work in a shop".

From the other side of the counter, shop workers have to endure such pearls of wisdom as:

• "Cheap at half the price!" (Well, of course it fucking would be cheap at half the price, wouldn't it, madam. What you've done there is take a phrase you've misheard on a soap opera or advert, and quoted it back in a mantric fashion, thereby inverting its meaning. Do you want a bag?)
• "Have you got any other tapes of Love Thy Neighbour?" (Welcome to my shop. Firstly, they're not 'tapes', they're DVDs. Secondly, you seriously want to buy that? That? What sort of household do you run?)
• "Where's the song that goes do-do-do-do-do, deedle deedle dum dum. It's by that coloured from X Factor." ('Nuff said)
• "I wants a refund on this. I was told I could have one." (Well, no you weren't. Besides, you've brought it back without a receipt, and it looks like you've been abusing the disc in some unspeakable manner. And no, I do not believe that you haven't opened it or watched it.)
• "Cheer up! It might never happen!" (Oh, do fuck off.)

This does happen a lot, but I have to stress it's not everyone. Occasionally, and only occasionally, you'll get genuinely nice people who are sympathetic, kind and grateful, and they are the ones who make it all worthwhile. People who do not even say "please" and "thank you" to shop staff, making only the barest acknowledgement of their existence, are utter scum. They are only doing their job, serving YOU, and they've had to serve lots of other miserable people beforehand, and will do for the rest of the day, so show a bit of respect. Yes, it absolutely does work both ways, but if I do encounter a miserable member of staff in a shop, I'm always courteous and polite. I was raised with manners, though, gawd bless yer, mum.

So, away from the shops, what do we have to look forward to 'on the box' this year? Aside from Doctor Who, I'm not bothered what's on. Doubtless there'll be another Top of the Pops Xmas special, hosted by the execrable Fearne Cotton or some other flavour-of-the-month clone, and probably: "There's a bombshell revelation in the Queen Vic and a tragedy, in another Christmas in Albert Square." Yay. I'm not holding out much hope for the quality of programming this year, if this letter from last week's Radio Times is anything to go by:

Where does the applause come from in the midweek National Lottery Draw (BBC1)? I can't believe there's an audience there at 10.35pm.

Anthony Green, Leeds

The BBC says: "It isn't practical to invite a live audience to this ten-minute show, so an audience atmosphere is created to increase the entertainment value. An independent auditor and draw master are always present."

So, there you have it. Proof (if proof was needed) of how we, the viewing public, are seen by our national broadcasters. We are, of course, complete idiots, and so they will serve us with material suitable for an imbecilic audience. It's not helped that two of the highest-rated shows in the UK are Strictly Come Dancing and X Factor. I despair. I really do despair.

So, you may have noticed the Dystopian Advent Calendar at the top right. Today's window has Arthur Fowler in Her Majesty's Pleasure. Come back daily to see what other horrors it'll spew out into your eye sockets.

Other stuff: I need more pictures for The (Haunted) Gallery. Just a quick sketch. Use http://twitpaint.com if you like, Microsoft Paint, or even a proper drawing (yes, I accept those). If you can, post them onto the wall of the Facebook group.

Also, the Caption Competition has had some great entries so far. Go to the Facebook group to post your entries, or post on Twitter with the hashtag #DystopianContest1. Competition closes midnight GMT on Saturday.

Finally, you've probably noticed that the URL for this site has changed. It's now http://dystopianfuchsia.blogspot.com.

See you soon.