Blue Blood And Other Congenital Mutations

Well, there's good news and there's bad news.

The good news (for me) is that those shift changes I needed... I've got them. That means that I've got 4 whole days a week away from work, so I'll be posting regular blogs and working on Destinauts again.

The bad news... we have to wait a whole year for the royal wedding. Nooooooooooo!

I don't mean I'm looking forward to it. Far from it. I'm actually dreading the blanket coverage across the media.

A hated Tory government dangerously out of touch with the people, a forthcoming royal wedding the main news story, shit "talent" shows dominating the airwaves, Doctor Who is played by a man in his late 20s, I have 50p to my name... Have I gone back to the fucking 80s?! Nope, believe it or not, this is still 2010, but with a twist. Things are much, much worse this time around.

I imagine you've all been as excited as I am about William Nice-But-Royal and Kate Middleclass (as, no doubt, Harry Enfield will eventually call them) getting together. I've had many a sleepless night, terrified that it would never happen. But, as every TV programme would remind you every fucking minute this entire fucking week, they've announced that they're tying the knot (and I don't mean Prince Philip setting up gallows to clear away some frightful peasants).

But does anyone really care? Really? I've not seen so much sycophancy on television towards Das Haus von Sachsen-Coburg und Gotha since Alistair Burnett sucked off Prince Edward live on the News at Ten rhythmically to the "bongs". Amidst all of the bad things in the world, a pesky global recession that just won't go away, rising levels of poverty and unemployment, how wonderful it was for entire news teams to get overtime.

Before last week, I'd never heard Kate Middleton speak. How refreshing that the woman referred to as a "commoner" all across the news actually sounds exactly as horsey as the shallow gene pool she's dipping her webbed toes into. Perhaps this was intended for the royals to appeal to we scumbags. The Queen has a knack for this; during the recession of the early 90s, during the Queen's Peach, she rightly addressed her guttersnipe subjects in a language they understand - Latin, referring to her horrible anus. By tastelessly letting William propose using his dead mother's ring, it smacks of a cynical attempt at reliving those halcyon days before the public at large realised how parasitic and undeserving of  their status they were. "It's wicked!" said a hoodie-wearing Camilla outside her local Spar, after demanding an innocent passer-by go in and buy her cigarettes. Seeing David Cameron emerging from Number 10 looking ever so pleased with himself (perhaps a tad more than usual), declaring that the entire cabinet were "banging the table" when he told them, seemingly in need of a post-coital cigarette, spoke volumes. This country is becoming unrecognisable, and I don't like it.

Seeing her "commoner" parents in a pheasant shoot on the news just cemented it for me. I've spent years ignoring these blights on humanity, confounded that this expensive anachronism is still allowed to exist while the coffers dry up. "Oh, but they bring in money through tourism!" cry the monarchists.

Yes, and so does Banksy.

To prepare you for the wedding (the only upside of which is we'll get a day off work), here are some royal facts:

• Prince Philip's comedy racism is all an act. He is a huge fan of Lenny Henry's Delbert Wilkins character, and actually rooted for "Marigold" on In Sickness And In Health.
• The House of Saxe-Coburg-Gotha became the House of Windsor, not to lose its Gemanic connotations during a time of war, but in honour of Z-Cars star Frank Windsor.
• The Queen Mother was so demented in later years, she used collector's plates as mirrors.
• If you want to emulate the Queen Mother's radiant looks, simply immerse your face in vinegar, paint your teeth yellow (it couldn't hurt to lose a few or let them rot away), plunge your head into a bag of flour and top off with a stupid fucking hat.
• The Queen is known for her uncanny resemblance to Jeannette Charles, and has been hired many times in films due to the likeness.
• The Royal Family are above the law. This would explain why so many people look at other avenues of blame when the odd speeding law is flouted and the lives of ordinary people are endangered.
• The Queen hates corgis. She started with one and decided she didn't like it, but the floodgates opened, and people keep buying them for her.
• The Queen is unable to walk onto a chequered black and white floor without feeling instantly threatened.
• Since her death, Princess Margaret has been converted into a brewery.
• If you watch footage of Prince Charles during a polo match, you can see him practising some of his sexy moves on the horse and muttering the word "Camilla".
• The Queen is psychically linked to every stamp. Every time one is licked, she can feel it.
• Also, careful where you pocket that £5 note - each one is fitted with a tiny camera in the Queen's right eye.
• Jimmy Krankie is 8th in the line to the throne.
• The Queen shed a tear when Windsor Castle was in flames 18 years ago this week, but if she sees footage of people on fire, she laughs and laughs and laughs, particularly if they're poor.
• Prince Charles is extremely forgetful; he's always leaving a roller skate at the top of the stairs near the Queen's bedroom.
• James Hewitt is extremely excited at the prospect of becoming a great uncle.
• Prince Harry's Nazi uniform was surprisingly authentic. Indeed, it is one of his grandfather's favourite possessions.
• The Queen thinks it's a "fucking joke" that she isn't allowed to arbitrarily execute anyone she pleases in today's climate. "It's sheer fucking madness that one cannot behead any old cunt."
• Although the general public (or at least the stupid ones most taken in by tabloid propaganda) adored Princess Diana as their "Queen of Hearts", she was, for the most part, a bit of a simpleton.
• Like the Royal Family, The Royle Family is inexplicably popular. Wait a minute... the "Royal" Family... the "Royle" family... I get it now! That's hilarious! That Caroline Aherne... she's a fucking genius, the alcoholic funster.
• The Windsors have 3 whole chromosomes, which they share between them to show that they're not wasteful parasites.
• The Queen eats off of gold plates, just in case any Cybermen try invading Buckingham Palace, although she's "a bit fucking perturbed" that the new Cybermen aren't allergic to gold.
• As sequels go, Queen Elizabeth II isn't as good as the original.
• Camilla Parker-Bowles has her own diamond-encrusted nosebag.
• The British public are "thrilled" to be footing the bill for the forthcoming wedding. "It's only money!" said Big Issue seller Jimmy Drummond on his pitch outside Victoria Station yesterday.

Doesn't it make you proud to be British?