A Bootiful Corpse

Well-known turkey botherer and racist stand-up comic Bernard Matthews has died. He was 80 (gas mark 3).

Proudly declaring that "a little piece of me" could be found in every pack of Turkey Twizzlers, Matthews became part of the public consciousness when he appeared in adverts in the 80s, sparking his catchphrase "bootiful". The naked dancing and rubbing of turkey eggs on his bare nipples proved less popular.

Never revealing which part of the turkey Golden Drummers actually were, that very product was a clever way of releasing rancid meat pressed into shapes by Matthews's own blood-stained hands, "wrapped in golden breadcrumbs" scraped from fish fingers, into the food chain. They proved a hit with lazy dinner ladies and shellsuit-wearing mothers alike.

The king of reshaped, mechanically-pressed meat by-products, he was also known for his earthy wit. Sick of being known as the "Bootiful Man", he tried an ill-advised change to "Bernard Matthews Turkey-flavoured meat products - They're Norfolk'ing Good!". It lasted a week until the BBFC banned the adverts. A little known fact is that the line "it's turkey time, gobble gobble" from Hollywood prolapse Gigli was a tribute to Manning, quoting his oft-used chat-up line. What woman could resist a proposition like that from a multi-millionaire poultry slaughterer?

Matthews was the target of Jamie Oliver's School Dinners campaign, citing Turkey Twizzlers as the main target. Deep-fried poultry intestines weren't a healthy choice for kids, said a spitting, dribbling Oliver. Matthews took it all in good humour, setting fire to fellow millionaire Oliver's house. "That'll learn the fucker. Bootiful!" said a wart-faced Matthews with a wink and a smile to nobody as the flames flickered around him. I imagine.

Little else is known of the man whose "British born and bred" Turkey products, imported from Hungary, fill many a Spar's freezer section. Except that his mansion smells of bird shit.

As a final request, and in accordance with his last will and testament, his giblets will be removed before burial, encased in golden breadcrumbs, and put on display in the National Museum, where hundreds of disinterested schoolchildren every year will be able to poke and prod them with a stick.