International Bono Fun Day

He's only trying to save the bloody world again. Yesterday, He decided to announce His ideas about further policing the internet, citing China as a fine example of how to do it. Speaking from Da Vinci's The Last Supper, He had several detractors, who He decided to smite as Biblically as possible. So, here we present some Bono Facts. If you don't worship at His altar now, you'd better bloody be doing it by the end of this piece, lest He unleash a plague.

• Bono came up with the phrase, "There's no 'i' in 'Bonio'".

• Bono backwards is "O'Nob", which is His real surname. Coincidentally, it's what people shout at Him in the street.

• In the Mirror Universe in Star Trek, Bono is known as Boyes.

• Bono's real name is Arthur Mullard.

• "Bono" is short for "Bonofication".

• "Bono" is an anagram of "Boon"; this is because the character of Bono was based loosely on Michael Elphick.

• His favourite fruit is the bonono.

• His speech impediment meant that the meaning of "Someday, Bloody Someday" was changed forever.

• U2 is a UB40 tribute band.

• Always unselfish, Bono enjoys watching the other members of U2 playing Russian Roulette.

• Bono created The Edge using a ruler with a lenticular Chesney Hawkes image and a set square.

• Um Bono, Um Bono, They Drink It In The Cono.

• Bono is the superhero identity of Christopher Lillicrap.

• Bon-O used to be Lord of the Thundercats.

• Ironically, Bono is a French word which literally translates as "Good-O".

• Nostradamus predicted Bono, but forgot to tell anyone.

• Despite leaving them some years before, the Chuckle Brothers survived Bono's departure.

• The News at Ten "bongs" used to be called "bonos" until He copyrighted the sound effect.

• Bono's starsign is Ophiuchus.

• Bono uses His private jet to fly next door to Adam Clayton's house every month.

• The Bono Dog Doo Dah Band were a self-righteous messiah-complex-suffering comedy jazz rock/psychadelic avant garde combo.

• A "Noob" is internet slang for "anagram of Bono".

• U2 get their unique sound by sampling old U2 records.

• Bono will be on BBC1's Autumn 2010 schedule in the heart-warming Bono'll Fix It.

• The name BONO is designed to look like a close up of a man wearing glasses.

• "BoNo" is prison shorthand for "Boring Nonce".

• Bono's favourite Singer is Marc "Beastmaster" Singer.

• Bono is a spin-off from the Hanna-Barbera 70s cartoon, Banjo Bono and the Troubleshooters.

• Bono's dream band would consist of Bono, Paul Hewson, PD Hewson KBE, and Ali Hewson's husband.

• Bono's arch nemesis is Taste and Decency.

• BONO stands for Being Of Nazarene Origin.

• Bono has a working time machine. Nobody can be sure of the damage He's done to history.

• "BONO" stood for "Bring Own Noose Only" in medieval hangings.

• The Bono Rangers are humanity's saviours in the amazing year fifty billion.

• Butter, Orange, Nutmeg and Oats are the main ingredients in Bono's favourite cake.

• Bono's evil twin is called Nono.

• Bono exists in 3 forms; a computer virus, the air we breathe, and The Human Form of Jesus Christ On Planet Earth.

• Bono has severe nerve damage from licking His own bottom, so the 'sweetest thing' He can taste is beetroot.

• "Bono" stands for "Bless Our Natural Order", an early BNP tagline.

• Bono doesn't know the meaning of the word "modest", because He was off school that day with messianitis.

• Bono's carbon footprint has its own postcode.

• Bono wants to save the rainforests, because it's where His treehouse is.

• David Tennant is to play Bono in a biopic.

• Bono is to play David Tennant in a biopic.

• Bono's first foray into sitcom writing was the classic Big Top.

• Bono has discovered the secret of powered flight in humans, and is invisible to radar.

• Bono once flew around the planet backwards in His private jet, reversing time. He was able to save His hat from an earthquake.

• Bono has his own economy and currency. One Bonopound is worth about 30p. A Bonopenny is that secretary from the Bond films.

• Bono's U2 bandmates are Rono, Dono and Adam Clayton.

• You know that thing you thought of earlier? Bono thought of it first.

• If Bono falls over in a forest, job done.

• Bono's favourite subject, One, was made famous in a song.

• Bono's biggest influence, other than Bono, is Josh Ward from the T Mobile ads.

• Bono has copyrighted the word "Wonga".

• Bono was bitten by a radioactive spider, and learned a valuable lesson when His Uncle Bon was killed.

• It is cold, for it is Bono's will. He left His fridge open, and we all must suffer.

• It's not raining. It's Bono crying for the orphans.

• Bono has His own personal militia, but Adam Clayton's flat feet results in a paltry desk job.

• Bono is prone to 'file sharing' official secrets to the Taliban.

• At Xmas, every department store has its own Bono in place to give the gift of hope to children that sit on His sacred knee.

• Bono's personal fortune has looped past infinity back to bankrupt. Spare some change for a cup o' tea?

• Bono was based on The Very Hungry Caterpillar.

• Bono formed His School For Gifted Youngsters in Westchester, NY, to help train young mutants to use their powers.

• The subterranean-dwelling Morlocks formed their society based on His teachings.

• There was outrage when the Church claimed that Jesus was bigger than Bono.

• Bono has a secret lair hidden in a volcano.

• Bono has fathered most of the world's population, including you.

• If you squeeze Bono, His glasses swell up like balloons.

• Bono had His sense of humour surgically removed in 1982.

• Bono has His head so far up His arse, He can see a Q journalist's shoes.

I hope you've all learned a little something about Him. His wisdom must be adhered to. I mean, it's not as if He's some out-of-touch rock star with a messiah complex or anything. Deary me, no.

Happy St Bono's Day, one and all.