Clusterfuck

Hey there.

I'm sorry if my blogs have been a little depressing of late. I feel compelled to explain why so I can move on and provide something more uplifting in future.

This is the first Xmas in a decade where I've been out of work, and I'm beginning to hate myself. Normally, I'd be working through thousands of people, receiving no gratitude and being treated like scum, despite my impeccable customer service ability, and finding items for people who don't bother waiting the two minutes it takes me on a round trip. Every day I worked during the Xmas period, despite the nightmare, I loved it. It was so busy that the days flew by, despite other staff moaning for the opposite reason, and despite what I may have led you to believe on an earlier blog, I got a buzz out of it. Knowing that you're hitting your targets, and getting the occasional thanks from genuinely lovely people who seem to understand what you're going through made it all worthwhile. I worked 7 Xmasses for HMV, and 3 for Gamestation before that. It was usually management who made it a hateful experience; people who moaned about having to do an hour's worth of time on the till (which strangely always ended up being about 20 minutes), brewing resentment from the staff they should be inspiring. I was caught directly between management and staff in my position, so while the manager and assistant manager fled back upstairs so they could chat and mess about in the office, I had to try to inspire the staff back into action, always smoothing over the lack of mutual faith.

Being a father of two and tied to a mortgage, plus someone who had worked for the company as long as I had, I was understandably a bit miffed when I kept getting overlooked for promotion. The regional manager, a soulless company man, drove the political side of things, bringing in his favourites into positions above me, saying that he "does not promote within the same store". So, when he promoted my own staff above me, I was furious. Last October, my manager told me that a supervisor position had opened in the Cwmbran store, and that if I went for it and got it, I would be back in the Cardiff store in the same position within a couple of months. It would mean horrible travelling arrangements, and I'd barely see my kids, but I felt I had been painted into a corner. It would be a short-term sacrifice to make my family's lives more comfortable in the long run.

Long story short, I got the job, and became part of the management team in Cwmbran. I had little to no support when I was there, and got part of the blame when the assistant manager managed to get thousands of pounds worth of stock stolen, though I had absolutely nothing to do with it, not even being in on the day it happened. I bent over backwards to stand out, all the while being downtrodden and treated like a sales assistant by someone ten years younger than me.

On one occasion, the regional manager visited, didn't say one word to me, yet decided to say some very personal and hurtful remarks about me to the manager, who delighted in telling me. Extremely professional of him. At this point (around April), I was already feeling the strain of 5 hours of travel to and from work every day, costing me in excess of £200 a month, meaning I was on less money than before my promotion. Plus, the promised move back to the store in my home city had not materialised. Leaving in the early hours of the morning, and not getting back til 10pm at night, I never saw my children, and barely saw my wife. So, I was constantly exhausted, always out of pocket, getting bullied and missing my family. I received no sympathy from the manager and assistant manager. I began to hate my job for the first time in 7 years.

In June, I was due to open the store on a Sunday, and public transport let me down. I was an hour late. I had a breakdown, and got signed off by my GP for depression. I got called in for an 'investigation' during this time, and was told I had nothing to worry about. Then, I got invited in for a disciplinary, during which I was told I could lose my job, which is exactly what happened. I appealed, and had to go all the way to Newbury to defend myself. They upheld their decision. So, constructive dismissal. It's clear they wanted to get rid of me, and after 7 years of loyalty and hard work, that's how that fucking company treat people. The individuals involved are absolute inhuman scumbags. They did not care that they had caused an illness, nor did they care that my situation was due to public transport. There are a lot more details I could go into with this, but I think you get the idea of how I feel. The name "Dystopian Fuchsia" is a subtle little dig at them. I wish I could do more. I'm not a vengeful person, but I want closure on my terms...

Anyway, sorry about that. Needed to get that off my chest. The upshot is, I've been unable to find work since. I've tried, and came very close to getting a supervisor job for a new store that's opening in the New Year, but lost out to someone else on a coin toss. Normally, just before Xmas, I would get paid, and I would do all of my Xmas shopping in one go. In previous years, I have spent hundreds on my wife and kids; last year, for example, I was able to get my son his own TV. To give you an idea of how much I normally spend on my wife, previous presents have included an iPod, a drumkit, an engagement ring, and, last year, I bought her the complete Stargate SG1 on DVD. I feel helpless and useless right now, as I can't even get Battlefield Earth on DVD. I'm going out tomorrow in the hopes that I can sell loads of DVDs, Blu Rays and games so I can actually buy some presents. I've had a horrible year, and I am truly sorry if I've depressed you today. But! It's Xmas. You know what? As much as I miss the hell of working behind a till during this festive clusterfuck, I'm looking forward to spending a few days with my wife and kids, eating great food, seeing my kids opening some lovely presents, and watching some great stuff on TV (despite my coverage of Xmas Day TV over the past few blogs, there is some actual good TV here and there).

Last night, I watched the 1997 Xmas Special of Harry Enfield and Chums, and I loved it. Later, I'm going to kick the crap out of people on Tekken 6 to get some pent-up anger out of my system, and I may stick on It's A Wonderful Life as an emotional yang to Tekken's yin. I saw some clips of Bernard Cribbins and June Whitfield from this year's Doctor Who Xmas special, and it gave me something else to look forward to.

Please, have a great day. If you're feeling down or depressed, just take a step back, and remember that there are people in far worse or miserable positions than yourself. Make the most of what you've got whilst you've got it, because once you've burnt your bridges, there's no turning back.

Wish me luck with raising funds tomorrow. :)