So this is Christmas?

Before I start, a couple of reminders. Today is the last day for the Caption Competition (see right). Any last minute entries can be posted as comments on here.

Also, I want more of your (deliberately bad) drawings for The (Haunted) Gallery. Email them to dystopianfuchsia@googlemail.com.

Right, on with the motley. As we've seen, Xmas morning TV is a complete balls-up. The quality really doesn't matter, but there should at least be something that conveys an Xmassy feel. The atmosphere should completely smother the quality. However, I went right through the schedules so you don't have to, and although there are a couple of programmes that you really should watch, they're all repeats, and none are that festive. Xmas morning should be about opening presents, with an unsubtle reminder all around that the day you've been toiling towards for weeks is finally here. Perhaps it's misplaced nostalgia, I dunno.

We're moving away rapidly from the morning schedules now, and onto the more interesting stuff. I think we need a mood enhancer:

BBC1, Top of the Pops Christmas for an hour. The quality of music will be atrocious no doubt, and it's hosted by Fearne bloody Cotton, so watch this at your discretion. If they were showing loads of Xmas stuff like Slade and Wizzard, I'd say it was a must-watch. Let's face it though, it's just another Beeb excuse to shoehorn the snipe-faced husky-voiced talent vacuum into a dead show. It should be brought back full time, but perhaps with less identikit bland pop-by-numbers and X Factor balladeering karaoke, and more of a variety of music, classic videos and so on. In other words, turn it into a condensed TOTP2. Since the charts are now governed by downloads, it seems only right to cover different stuff.

On BBC2, you've got Kiss Me Kate, followed by White Christmas, so your more traditional Xmas fare. ITV1 have The Polar Express, worth sticking on for the kids. Channel 4 have Only When I Dance, a documentary film about a couple of teenagers who want to be ballet dancers. Crap. Five have Ice Road Truckers and Crusoe. They're just not trying.

Next, on BBC1 and ITV1, there's some unelected head of state warbling on like the sour-faced anachronism she is, meaningless words written for her by a government aide. The fact that she addressed her 'subjects' once using the phrase "annus horribilis" just shows how out-of-touch she and her in-bred brood are. Merry Xmas, yer majesty. Or you could watch the Alternative Christmas Message on Channel 4 at the same time. It's just been announced that it's Katie Piper, a victim of an acid attack which left her disfigured. If you have any soul, you'll watch that one instead.

Mid-afternoon to early evening telly improves a hell of a lot. Well, mostly. BBC1 has The Incredibles, followed by Shrek the Halls and The Gruffalo. Stick with BBC1, I'd say. BBC2 has La Bohème (from 2008). ITV1 have You've Been Framed at Christmas! ("Camcorder craziness", if that doesn't tempt you. Dreadful) and Happy Feet (I've not seen it, but it's supposed to be good for kids). I'd stick with BBC1 over that, to be honest. Let's see what Channel 4 have to offer... oh my god. The Random Box Game: Scrooge or Santa. Yes, the bearded epitome of smugness is back to taint another Xmas. It's followed by Annie. Yawn. Five have Call Me Claus ("Yuletide comedy starring Whoopi Goldberg. The embittered producer of a TV shopping channel receives a very special job offer". The job offer should hopefully be better than the offer of working on this film given to Goldberg, bless her), followed by Heads or Tails, with Justin Lee Collins, for whom there cannot be a high enough staircase to push him down. How on Earth did he become a presenter? I'm not basing that on his regional accent (I'm all for a diversity of accents and dialects on the telly), I'm basing it on the fact he's a charisma-vacant twat. Ah well.

Time for another Xmas clip to wash away all thoughts of these horrible bearded festivity-sapping killjoys, and enjoy a fictional one:

We're into the best part of the schedule now. The programme I am most looking forward to over Xmas (the first part, at least) is Doctor Who: The End of Time, at 6pm on BBC1. The penultimate of this year's specials (the final part being on New Year's Day, and David Tennant's final appearance as the 10th Doctor), it's the latest in a modern Xmas tradition. The Doctor Who Xmas specials have been of variable quality; 2005's The Christmas Invasion was great, dealing without the Doctor for most of it, newly regenerated and suffering from very canonical post-regeneration stress. It was brilliant just for being David Tennant's first full episode, following the regeneration scene at the end of Parting of the Ways. It was a nice Xmassy episode, and a decent Doctor Who episode to boot.

2006 had The Runaway Bride, introducing Catherine Tate as Donna Noble as a (then) one-off companion. It was okay, but the characterisation of Donna was harsh at that point, a far cry from her eventual (brilliant) portrayal when she became a series regular. 2007's Voyage of the Damned was horrible on many levels. Kylie Minogue was shoehorned in, a toe-curlingly horrible scene with the Queen, and a cop-out ending. The one major bright point was the introduction of Bernard Cribbins in a blink-and-you'll-miss-him scene. I walked past where that was filmed during that afternoon, and had no idea they would be filming there. By late night, that entire street (Working Street, where the Autons invaded in Rose) was blocked off. Ah well.

2008's The Next Doctor was a brilliant episode, and was very Xmassy again, dealing with a man who thought he was the next incarnation of the Doctor. It was a strong return to form for the specials, and the start of a long wait. This past year, we've not had a full series, due to David Tennant doing Hamlet, and have had a series of specials instead, again of variable quality. Easter's Planet of the Dead was lacklustre, Autumn's The Waters of Mars was gripping, with a brilliant final 10 minutes, which brings us here:

This is the first 3 minutes of the show post-credits, and none other than Brian Cox is providing the voice of the Ood Elder. The BBC know how important Doctor Who is in the schedule, and have made 3 Who-themed idents for Xmas. Lovely.

If you've lost your mind, or just don't want to watch the best piece of television at Xmas, you could try one of the other channels. BBC2 has The Private Life of a Christmas Masterpiece - The Mystic Nativity, ITV1 has Emmerdale and Coronation Street, Channel 4 has The Secret Millionaire Changed My Life, and Five has High Society.

Xmas video interlude:

The rest of the night for BBC1 has The Estate of Bruce Forsyth in Strictly Come Dancing Christmas, followed by EastEnders (always worth watching at Xmas. Something callously awful always happens), The (over-rated) Royle Family, the brilliant Gavin & Stacey's penultimate ever (at the moment) episode, Catherine Tate: Nan's Christmas Carol (worth a look), and the Keanumotion-inspiring Speed. After a crap morning, BBC1 have a brilliant schedule (or would if they shaved off a couple of excess baubles). BBC2 has The Anachronistic Monarch again at 6.50pm, followed by James May's Toy Stories about Hornby, which you should probably watch instead of that dancing programme. They follow up with an Xmas special of Dad's Army, and, bizarrely enough, an episode of BlackAdder which isn't the Xmas special (hence why I posted it above). There's a repeat of Top Gear, Oz and Hugh Drink to Christmas, The Funny Side of Chat (catch the repeat on the 28th), followed by repeats of QI, Never Mind The Buzzcocks: Where Are They Now?, and TOTP2 Christmas Special. If you're still awake in the early hours, they're showing the film spin-off of Stella Street.

ITV1 are very much ITV1 with their poor schedule. All Star Mr & Mrs Christmas Special, where Pip Schofield gets paid more than Fern Britton, Poirot (actually a good alternative to The Royle Family, did it not also clash with Gavin & Stacey), Gladiator (though it may be a good film, it's nearly a decade old; whatever happened to great movie premieres on the channel? Has the fiscal situation on TV's worst channel really become so bad?), and finally the piss-poor One Million Years BC. Channel 4 have a documentary at 7.45pm, Katie: My Beautiful Face, about the former model and TV presenter who delivered this year's alternative Xmas message, which follows the programme. Grey Gardens follows, then a repeat of Lee Evans: Big - Live at the O2, then loads of early morning rubbish. Five has Gadget Show: Gadget of the Decade, The Abba Years, Mamma Mia!: Where Did It All Go Right, Abba The Movie and loads more early morning rubbish. Let's just recap. Five have devoted most of their night to fucking Abba, "the Beatles of shit" as I read someone calling them the other day.

There's one thing missing from Xmas Day. The greatest Xmas movie ever. No, scratch that. The greatest movie ever.

This colour version is new; I'm used to seeing it in black and white. Either way, if you've never seen it, buy it on DVD. It's beautiful. There is absolutely nothing wrong with it. Nothing. It's utterly perfect, and James Stewart is excellent. If you do not shed a tear during it, you are heartless, and you will go to hell to be prodded by little daemons with pointy little pitchforks.

So, a mixed bag. Possibly the worst overall schedule I've ever seen for Xmas Day, but with some absolute gems scattered around. It seems the best thing to do is just keep it on BBC1 for most of the day. Tomorrow, I'll finish this emotionally draining experience with telling you the rubbish on digital.

Thanks for reading. I know it's been traumatic for you.