Monday 19 December 2011

Advent Calendar Day 19

Hi.

Day 19

Tim Lovejoy

No, not that Lovejoy. Not even that Lovejoy (though I'm sure he also has a little Tinker).

Smug football bore Tim has been stuck in a midlife crisis since he first mediocred onto our screens sometime, ooh, years ago. The drab 57 year old, after an aeon hosting some football programme or other (and therefore off my radar), counted his lucky stars in a droning mumble the day the BBC shoved him up their Sunday morning what-the-fuck-was-I-drinking-last-night hangover snake oil, Something For The Weekend, where he channels Alan Partridge alongside Kojak the chef and the one who was fired from Eternal. His presenting style is able to remove the lustre from coal.

So what next for the world's most boring man? Who knows, but whatever it is, it'll involve him sounding like the teacher in Peanuts with the word "Chelsea" creeping in every now and again. The dull cunt.

Back tomorrow!

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Children's Television: The Re-Imagining

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Ulysses 31

The Odyssey drifted soundlessly through the void, its captain tired but happy. Despite all the evidence, he'd never really considered how their adventures seemed to recall ancient Greek mythology. The clues were always there, to be fair, but Ulysses was usually too busy preening to think about it, his flowing locks and Richard Stilgoe beard the most important things in the universe. Since putting two and two together (realising that he was called Ulysses was quite a large clue), he abandoned his quest to save his crew, and searched the galaxy for those more colourful aspects of ancient Greece that he'd read about on the, um, Space Internet.

The past fortnight, they'd spent time on the planet Dionysia 5, in the city of Orgion. Perhaps not the best of things to expose Telemachus to at his age, but what sort of father would he be if he didn't, somehow, explain the birds and the bees? Here he now stood on the bridge of his ship, the echoes of his son's vomiting echoing along the bulkhead, Ulysses headed to his quarters, passing the telepathic Yumi. She paused to read his mind, screamed, and ran down the corridor in floods of tears. Ulysses decided to have a cold shower.

He reached his quarters, the shame of a fortnight's debauchery weighing heavily on his conscience. There, sprawled coquettishly on his bed, was the creepy little robot Nono, as apt a name as any right now, as he made suggestive gestures with a rusty screw. Ulysses felt nauseous, slightly concerned at the burning itch that had flared up.

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Monday 19 December 2011

Advent Calendar Day 19

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Ulysses 31

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Monday 19 December 2011

Advent Calendar Day 19

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