Festive Fun Facts

Think you know everything about Christmas? Think again! Here are Phifty* Phun Phestive Phacts Phor, um, you. It's a bit like one of those long bits of text you used to ignore in the Buster Annual.

* ish.

1. Since its inception in 1982, Chris's Mass has become more popular every year.
2. Father Christmas was a Catholic Priest. He eventually became Bishop Christmas. Bishop Christmas then became Cardinal Christmas. This is where Christmas Cards came from.
3. Santa knows when you've been naughty or nice, using CCTV, and by going through your bins.
4. Christmas spirit is pumped into the air from giant vents. Some people are allergic; they possess the 'humbug' gene.
5. Snow was invented as an alternative to fake snow.
6. What's the difference between male and female snowmen? Snowpenises.
7. Crackers were invented to seal away old Peter Kay jokes. The bang is the sound of God crying.
8. Dreaming of a white Christmas is your brain's way of telling you that you have only a week to live.
9. Coal and satsumas are no longer given as gifts, as the Tories killed satsuma mining in the 1980s.
10. Santa comes once a year. Santana does not.
11. Xmas was invented to fit around Noel Edmonds on the TV schedules.
12. Turkeys' famous "gobble, gobble" is merely the birds quoting J-Lo in Gigli.
13. Xmas presents were invented to stop bailiffs taking your stuff.
14. Even if Joe McWotsit reached no1, he'd still be a number two.
15. The term "Secret Santa" comes from John Santa, former MI5 agent who liked stalking people, leaving cheap gifts from a BP garage.
16. Father Christmas is Jesus's superhero secret identity. Noel Edmonds is Satan's form on Earth.
17. A traditional Xmas dinner represents the first meal eaten by the Baby Jesus. Blame him for the sprouts.
18. "Sprouts" comes from an ancient Celtic word meaning "Satan's gangrenous gonads".
19. "Mulled wine" is short for Mull of Kintyred Wine.
20. Coca Cola based their colour scheme on Father Christmas's outfit.
21. Bored of getting socks? Spare a thought for Heather Mills, inundated with stockings.
22. Santa based his look on Roy Wood from Wizzard.
23. If you see someone rocking around the Christmas tree, they may be having a reaction to the pine needles.
24. Eggnog is made from hedgehog residue and the tears of orphans.
25. When Shakin' Stevens declared "We're gonna have a party tonight", he was using the Royal "we".
26. You can get everything from "The 12 Days of Christmas" in Poundland.
27. Boxing Day was set up by Barry McGuigan and Frank Bruno using a Prince's Trust grant.
28. Figgy pudding is made from an endangered rodent species indigenous to Lapland. There are 50 specimens of Figgus norvegicus left.
29. The story of Jesus is based on the story of Patrick Kielty.
30. Baubles represent the time Santa crashed into a tree and was left hanging by his sac.
31. Don't have a chimney? Don't panic! Just leave your front door wide open. Santa will know what to do.
32. St Nick is not to be confused with Nicholas Lyndhurst, Nick Griffin or Nicholas Parsons. In fact, he's 80s comedian Nick Wilton.
33. Make sure to leave your PC on for e-Santa. He will come down your chimn-e, but be sure he doesn't get caught on a firewall.
34. The sixpence in an Xmas pud comes from when bank vaults were made of pudding.
35. Due to the Personal Space Act 1986 being repealed, kissing under the mistletoe is law, punishable by death if flouted.
36. Yellow snow is a delicacy in parts of Belgium. If you're told not to eat it, it's because they don't think you're good enough to.
37. Santa drinks 765, 000 gallons of sherry, but drinks the same amount of anti-sherry beforehand.
38. Cliff Richard is a bandwagon-jumping Satanist.
39. Rudolph's red nose is due to an accidental encounter with Kerry Katona's toilet seat.
40. Santa's outfit is made up of hundreds of robins, snared by a system of milk bottles and mini bear traps.
41. Frosty the Snowman is based on TV presenter David Frosty.
42. John Logie Baird was asked to invent the TV as a means of showing Xmas specials that were going to waste.
43. Santa has water retention.
44. Each year, the Met Office flip a coin to decide whether to have a white Christmas or not. Recently, they noticed it was double headed.
45. Noddy Holder's famous scream of "It's Christmaaas" was changed at the last minute. Originally, it was "It's not Christmaaas."
46. Santa's only weakness is Kryptonite.
47. Every 4 years is a "leap Christmas", with an extra Boxing Day.
48. When kids ask for a PS3, they're just being polite; they really want coal like all the cool kids.
49. Turkeys are eaten at Christmas, as they are Jesus's sworn enemies
50. Wrapping paper is made from the skin of old people.
51. Santa's catchphrase was slightly adjusted from "Ho, ho, prostitute" to fit more easily on cards.

More Christmas stuff. Christmas songs have always been a noble tradition, stretching back to 1875 when Benjamin Disraeli, only one year in power at this point, reached the top spot with Rockin' All Over The World At Christmas, long seen as a major influence on Status Quo. Some more modern Christmas songs had their lyrics reworked before release. Here are some examples:

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart. The very next day, they turned off life support. This year, to save me from tears, I gave you my tear ducts.

Wham

Christmas time. Sour grapes and whine. X Factor songs have had their time.

Cliff Richard

Christmas is coming, the geese are getting fat

Please spend a penny in the old man's hat

If you haven't got a penny, a ha'penny will do

If you haven't got a ha'penny, well, that's the fucking recession for you, isn't it?

Traditional nursery rhyme and carol

Jingle balls, jingle balls,

Jingle all the way,

Oh what fun it is to jingle

With your balls all day.

Traditional song written by James Lord Pierpont

So, there we have it. We didn't cover stuffing, wreaths or Christmas trees. Perhaps next year. Merry eczemas!