Coming Soon To Channel 4

I mentioned yesterday that I wondered what the next sensationalist rubbish Channel 4 will come up with next after The Execution of Gary Glitter. If anybody from Channel 4 is reading this, you can have any one of these, free of charge. I wouldn't mind seeing some of them.

• The Excommunication of Gary Glitter. See the story from the Pope's perspective, as he frantically hushes up certain Cardinals and Bishops.
• Bargain Hunt. In a parallel Britain, fox hunting has been brought back, with one additional clause; anybody approaching the hue of a fox is fair game. David Dickinson is being chased through the countryside by toffs on horseback. Will the law be repealed in time?
• Nick-Nick Griffin. In a parallel Britain, Jim Davidson and Nick Griffin are spliced together. Can two wrongs make a right? Can two Rights get more wrong?
• Burning Bushell. In a parallel Britain, the horoscope culture has gone wildly out of control, and bizarre new superstitious laws are enforced. Due to his unusual appearance and delusions of grandeur that only a warlock could harbour, Garry Bushell is tried as a witch. Can his adoring public save him? Will he be given the option of drowning? This will be part of a fascinating phone vote, tying in with another forthcoming Channel 4 prime time show, What's Your favourite Element?
• Voodoo Chiles. In a parallel Britain, should the One Show host be allowed to use the black magic he learned from recent guest Paul Daniels? What happens when the curmudgeonly Brummie decides that his new-found mastery of the Dark Arts raises him above the level of mere mortals, and tries to become YOUR Lord and Master? Gasp in horror as he starts sticking pins in Christine Bleakley. Gasp in even greater horror when you find yourself cheering on Paul Daniels when he's called in to bring Chiles under control, as we once more test your emotional condition.
• Lem Cell Research. In a parallel Britain, all moral objection to stem cell research is silenced, and as an ambassador to the public for the fledgling science, Lemmy from Motörhead is cloned. The nation is divided down the middle, as objectors burn effigies of Dolly the Sheep (complete with fake mutton chops) in the streets. Can a clone of Henry Kissinger bring about harmony, or is he a clone too far?
• To Me, To Euthanasia. In a parallel Britain, laws on assisted suicide are relaxed. In some tragic slapstick fun on Chucklevision, one of the comedy brothers is left comatose. Could Barry Chuckle really unplug Paul? A phone vote decides his fate.
• Parallel Parkinsons. Michael Parkinson and Michael J Fox both go for the same jobs around town. Which prejudice wins out, age or illness?

So there we have it. Food for thought for Channel 4, on the same taste level as what they've shown us this week. I hope they see sense and make these as soon as possible, but I know the thought-provoking Gary Glitter one is a hard act to follow.

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