Stu Hall's Letters From Canada #2

Boris Johnson on Crack

In May 2008, Londoners voted for Boris Johnson to become their mayor and in December 2010, the people of Toronto voted for Rob Ford to become their mayor. It seems that on both sides of the Atlantic, on the other side of a couple of fences, there was a hell of a lot of green grass.

There are similarities between the two mayors. They were both voted in because people were apathetic to their predecessors, but the main similarity is that they are both buffoons. In appearance, Toronto mayor Rob Ford shares a striking resemblance to both the arch nemesis of Danger Mouse, Baron Von Greenback, and to the James Bond Villian, Goldfinger.

Both mayors can be infantile, although in the childishness stakes, Rob Ford comes out on top. His brother, Doug Ford, also works in government and is not afraid of wading in with his massive mouth like he is auditioning for some angsty playground confrontation scene from Waterloo Road.

Everyone in Toronto would like subways. But, if they had the option, everyone in Toronto would also like to skip through Homer Simpson’s Chocolate Fantasy Land in place of their daily commute. Ever since someone lost all the money in the world, most people accept that both options are equally irresponsible. Except Rob Ford (and Doug). He wants subways, and he resists answering questions from the media. He literally stands at conferences and repeats “Tax-payers want subways, it’s what tax-payers want, it’s all about subways”. Jeremy Paxman would wring his fucking neck.

As a compromise, most TAX-PAYERS and the city council want a light railway like the London Docklands. But... Rob Ford repeats his mantra, “TAX-PAYERS WANT SUBWAYS, nah-nah-nah, I can’t hear you!”

Rob Ford has been arrested for possession of marijuana

Accused of fighting a student American Football player

Accused twice of driving whilst using a mobile phone

Called three councillors “two steps left of Joe Stalin”

Called an opponent a “gino” (an ethnic slur against Italian-Canadians)

Said “I don’t understand a transgender, I don’t understand, is it a guy dressed up like a girl or a girl dressed up like a guy? And we’re funding this for, I don’t know, what does it say here? We’re giving them $3,210?”

Avoided attending Gay Pride

Was ejected from an Ice Hockey arena by security after swearing at a couple

Suggested that women get AIDS by having sex with bi-sexual men

When a TV presenter from a satirical news show tried to interview him in his drive, he called Police 3 times and swore at the operator when police were not forthcoming

Said that “Those Orientals work like dogs” (“orientals” is politically incorrect in North America and so is calling people dogs).

Said "my heart bleeds for them [cyclists] when one of them gets killed... but... it's their own fault"

Boris Johnson looks like a tit on his Have I Got News For You appearances, gets locked out of his home by his angry wife right in-front of the media as he returns home from a jog, misses several times when he shoots at a basketball hoop (again, before the press) and talks nonsense about bendy-busses. Basically, he is cuddly and cute even when he is patronising the people of Papua New Guinea for living lives of "bourgeois domesticity". Can we have him please?

Stu Hall's Letters From Canada #1

Hello sir! Your regular host, Ian, has invited me to guest post on his blog. It didn’t take me long to accept his offer and begin writing about Canada, where I have been living since 2007. You see, before I moved here, I knew bugger all about Canada. The only Canadians I knew were Terrance and Phillip from South Park. I was genuinely surprised to learn that, when Canadians speak, the top halves of their heads don’t really flap around. While you might not be as ignorant as I was, I’m just going to go ahead and assume you are. British people seem to believe a number of stereotypes about Canada, but let me set them straight. It doesn’t snow all the time, just enough to raise the all-important suicide rate. Not all Canadians are nice people. For example, most Torontonians would kill you if it meant getting your seat on the bus. Canadians don’t go around saying “Eh?” as they emerge bleary-eyed from their igloos. No, they say it as they emerge bleary-eyed from the bar. Or the local coffee shop, for that matter.


 Coffee brings me on to things that are actually true about Canadians. They love coffee. Instead of a newsagent on every corner, Canadians have a coffee shop on every corner. Ok, that's kinda true of Britain, too. But in Britain, they are Italian-style places that require a credit check just to make a purchase. Canadian coffee shops require a few quarters and a liberal sprinkling of pocket lint. If you want to catch a Canadian, you could do far worse than by setting up a trap using coffee as bait, or better yet, microwavable macaroni and cheese (“Kraft Dinner”). They’re obsessed with that shit, and I’m yet to work out why. I suppose it’s the Pot Noodle equivalent: “It’s dirty, and you want it”. All Canadians apologise for Bryan Adams and Alanis Morissette. 


I hope you enjoyed dipping your toe into Canada, or at least my warped impression of it. It’s ironic that I have written about stereotypes, because if you choose to continue reading my posts, what will become apparent is that Canada is not that easy to pin down. The only constants about Canada are that it is a massive, massive place and Canadians.... really love coffee. I don’t want you to think I’m winging this, especially with Ian paying me so much to write here. It’s not like I don’t have any ideas (I have at least two more ideas for columns about Canada that came to me during a feverish dream), but if there’s a Canadiana based topic you would like to hear about, leave a comment and let me know. 


 @stuhall writes sporadically at http://www.stuhallwrites.com

Rupert Murdoch Ate My Soul

Tomorrow sees the launch of the Sunday edition of The Sun, Britain's biggest-selling right-wing scaremonger. Here, we have an exclusive preview of this historic, um, thing.

To avoid claims of right-wing bigotry, in the centre pages you'll find a copy of socialist newspaper The Morning Star. It's a bit like a politically unstable Whizzer & Chips. To add to the fun, contributors of the rival newspapers will 'raid' the other, just like Sid's Snake and Shiner used to do.

To help the smooth transition, old favourites are on hand. Sort of. For example, here's new resident astrologer, Mystic Beks:

Who is this mysterious woman?

And, of course, there's Hagar the Horrible. But, in a special clause, News International are given free reign to localise it to suit their British audience:

The Sun on Sunday: evil incarnate, now seven days a week.

(Seriously, please don't be fooled into thinking that tomorrow's newspaper is a collector's item, just as the News of the Screws's final issue wasn't. Yet people still bought it. Do not help this man and his vile rag succeed. I thank you.)