Pope 101

If you didn't already know, the world's most famous former Hitler Youth member arrived in the UK yesterday, with literally some people flocking to kiss his ring as his jackboots goose-stepped across the runway. While they sort out which B&B he'll be staying in, here's a Pope factgasm.

• On his visit, Pope Benedict will meet up with surviving co-stars from The A-Team.
• Not wanting to use public toilets, Pope Benedict has been offered full use of his own woods, guarded by bears in funny hats.
• A special edition of This Is Your Life is being planned for the Pope, featuring old friends from the Hitler Youth.
• Pope Benedict is the first ever atheist Pope.
• Before he was Pope, Joseph Ratzinger had legions of fans as postman Cliff Claven in TV's Cheers.
• To bring the Catholic Church into the 21st century, he will now be known as the iPope.
• Pope Benedict thinks that Hitler had "some really good ideas".
• Pope Benedict is played by "It Ain't Half Hot, Mum" star Melvyn Hayes.
• If his leadership is ever challenged by one of his cardinals, they decide the winner in a Pope-off.
• The Pope's been banned from Twitter for endless spam about Justin Bieber. 
• The Pope has looked at you in your bathroom on Google Street View.
• The Pope will be conducting a ritual to raise Robert Runcie from the dead.
• The Pope doesn't believe in the existence of Richard Dawkins.
• The Pope says that it's pure coincidence that his Popemobile looks like a child-enticing ice cream van.
• The Pope will be fired at sub-light speeds around the Large Hadron Collider to create a Higgs-Boson particle.
• The Pope is able to speak several languages, as he has a Teddy Ruxpin-style cassette player embedded in his back.
• The Pope wrote the scene where Del Boy falls through the bar.
• The Pope is hoping that one of the Dragons will invest in his "Catholic Church" idea.
• The Pope is filmed in front of a live studio audience.
• You know that silhouette in the corner of your eye? The creaky floorboard at the dead of night? You'll never guess who that is.
• Despite an acrimonious split, the Pope is eager to rejoin Bananarama.
• Don't make the Pope angry. You won't like him when he's angry.
• The Pope was elected when he won at strip poker.
• The Pope puts things right that once went wrong, hoping each time that his next leap will be the leap home.

• The Pope is an expert at the Vulcan nerve pinch.
• The Pope has "Kneel Before Zod" tattooed on his inner thigh.
• The Pope often hears "Zuul" being chanted from his fridge.
• The Pope is eager to promote his Catholic Unified Nazarene Teaching Service.
• The Pope has a Diploma In Catholic Knowledge. He proudly shows his D.I.C.K. to anyone who asks.
• It's commonplace for religious leaders to look like a creepy uncle.
• He has inspired the new range of Pope Tarts, in particular dusty old wee-smelling anachronistic bigoted man flavour.
• Poperami. It's a bit of a Catholic.
• He has very anachronistic tastes. He fucking adores Love Thy Neighbour.
• The Pope has a huge range of flavours and an incredible variety of ribbage in his eBay Condom Shoppe. Apparently, he does accept PaPal.
• I hope they keep an eye on the Pope when he's in Boots. The cheeky monkey'll be sticking pins in the condoms, given half a chance.
• The Pope isn't sure if he's back in time, mad, or in a coma.
• If everyone was able to put a restraining order on the Pope and hadn't been hushed up, he would be forced to live on Ganymede.
• The Pope believes that "Something For The Weekend" star Tim Lovejoy is a "tiresome cunt".
• Through the gift of premonition, Ian Fleming based the Child Catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang on Benedict XVI.
• If you say his name into a mirror five times, he will appear.
• The Pope's robes are actually a shape-shifting alien symbiote.

I hope you're all more knowledgeable now about the stinking old man... or more ready for him, at least.

Don't forget to lock your doors and windows tonight. He'll soon be gone...