Monday, 29 March 2010
Alan Titchmarsh Vs The Games Industry
Friday, 19 March 2010
Another Blog In The Wall
I've managed to incorporate Highslide into Destinauts, and I've done it here too.
Example:
Click on one of the pics, then you should be able to cycle between them, enlarge them and so on.
See what I've got in mind for Destinauts: www.Destinauts.co.uk
So, what do you think?
That's all for now. I'm still looking at ways of streamlining this place, making the archive more easily accessible, categorised and so on. Have a lovely weekend.
Thursday, 18 March 2010
We're a fackin' dot com, don't yer know.
Monday, 15 March 2010
John Sicolo, 1944-2010
Wednesday, 10 March 2010
Guest Post #3: Tom Campbell
Monday, 8 March 2010
Guest post #2: Stu Hall
Hello Dears.
It is a pleasure to write a guest spot on Ian's blog, Dystopian Fuchsia. I've been an avid reader of the site for literally hundreds and hundreds of years. And by writing that, what I actually mean is, I recently stumbled across it when Ian and I began following one another on Twitter. Still, I'm here now, and I feel compelled to write something.
STOP STARING AT ME.
Like Ian, I have spent part of my career working in the retail sector. While Ian worked in a record store, I worked in a book store. Because of the wonderful way of the world, I actually ended up selling a few CDs and I imagine that Ian probably sold a few books. That's what happens when you let monster big-box stores take over the world. See what you've done? It's all YOUR fault.
Although the wage is generally poor, “working retail” inside one of these many evil corporate concrete blocks helps you to develop some important personal skills. First of all, it makes you a better listener. It also gives you a bit of humility, something that everyone except for me lacks. On the other hand, you really need to enjoy the job. If you don't, it becomes easy to turn into a twisted, vengeful ball of hate who views anyone daring to enter the shop, with disgust.
The best way to prevent yourself from hating everyone in the universe, even kittens, is to spot annoying, troublesome customers before they spot you. The second best way is to write about it, detailing..... the common habits of annoying customers in a book store.
The Common Habits of Annoying Customers in a Book Store: Their questions and the answers I wish I could give
Q. I saw a book here 52 years ago, it had a red cover.
A. Have you tried the Red Cover section? We don't have one. We tend to classify our books by title, author or ISBN code. Try it.
Q. Do you have Oprah's pick?
A. I realise that she is the female Jesus, but I have no idea which of The Chosen One's particular favourites you are talking about. And before you ask, no. No, we do not have an “Oprah Section”.
Q. Do you sell Turtles/Hedge Strimmers/Rucksacks filled with real beating hearts?
A. Just because Tesco sell books does not mean that we sell rolls of toilet paper, bulk packages of nappies or Rock Band 2 for the X-Box 360.
Q. Do you sell the 1897 limited release classic “Oh Yoreth, how my blue balls ache”
A. It is a book store, not the inside of The Tardis. We can only hold a certain number of books, as governed by the walls that surround the building. We could hold more, but then there would be no room for customers. Sounds wonderful, I know, but it isn't really pursuant to a successful business.
Q. Can you order “Classic Moments of Coronation Street In Painstakingly Verbose, Mundane, Suicide-Inducing Paragraphs: 1978-1979” by tomorrow? I need it for a wank, I mean, exam.
A. A lack of organisation on your part does not constitute and emergency on my part. Stop pretending I am evil because I cannot make the book materialise before your stupid, pouchy, screwed up, vile face. Several years ago, everyone was stuck with mail order. Now you can get a book, usually, within 2-3 days. Go home.
Q. What do you mean, 'out of print'?
A. Thousands of people, who are more organised than you, have already bought it. It is not my fault that the publisher decided to not take fuckwits into account. Stop acting as though all the world's books are printed in our back room.
Q. Will you ask Janet Evanovich/Dean Koontz/Nora Roberts/Maeve Binchy/Some Other Dull, Boring, Formulaic Writer to hurry up and finish their next book?
A. Whatever answer I give is not as funny as the fact that you are genuinely asking this question. I appreciate people sometimes ask this as a joke, but I have had customers who are genuinely asking me to chase up their favourite writer. Please... EXCUSE ME, for I must FLY to New York on behalf of CENTRE OF THE UNIVERSE BOOKSTORE LTD for my publishing BRUNCH with Sue 'F is for Fucking' Grafton.
Q. Why are books so expensive?
A. They're not, you tight arsed, shit-eating-grin wearing bastard. Why is it that the people who ask why books are expensive are the same people who fold open their bulging wallets so that they can gently tease out a crisp £20 note with the kind of precision that is normally reserved for gatherings around the dining room table to play the classic electronic board game 'Operation'?
Here's an idea: Why don't you make a book that's cheaper, piss-pants?
GO ON. DO IT NOW.
Say for example you had been working on a beautiful masterpiece, which you had provisionally entitled “The Hen That Repeatedly Stabbed My Face”. You could get it self-published through a company such as lulu.com, who wouldn't give a shit how awful it is. Lulu would charge you about £12 for a 400 page hardcover. You might be thinking “wow, that's a decent price”. You might also be thinking, “wow, that's so cheap that this mysterious Lulu must be a whore”. Well it would be a decent price....
Except you need to add shipping. I can't be fucked to look it up, but however much it is, it's another cost.
WAIT! Don't forget that you want to sell it in a shop. Because you are not a major publishing house, most book stores will either refuse to sell it at all, or they will want about 50% of your profit. Unless you know an indie-shop that will sell your book, suddenly you have to set your price at over £24.
Ok, let's say I'm wrong and you do get it in a shop. Congratulations, you contrary monkey faced idiot. Someone is willing to display your tat. Sadly, you do not see any money from this transaction until the book actually sells. In the meantime, if the book is stolen, you don't get anything at all. Same goes for if the book becomes damaged by a customer (or member of staff). You'd better factor that into the price of your “book”. By now you'll be needing to sell it for silly money. Thanks Lulu, you cock tease.
Still think books are expensive? You make me sick. Physically, violently sick. I'm dry retching now, just thinking about you.
Q. I can get it for 50pence on Amazon!!!!!!
A. Stop wasting your time, and more importantly, my time... and the time of genuine customers who are waiting behind you. The ones who are drilling masonry sized holes into the back of your skull using their eyes. Log on to Amazon, buy the book, and don't forget to choose “Free super-saver delivery”.
What's that? You want it NOW? Then it's four times the price, dick face. Amazon is a fancy schmancy distributor with a website, not a traditional book store.
Q. I can get it for £2 at Tesco.
A. Tesco also illegally break into farm yards and literally strangle the money from farmers pockets in exchange for milk, beat Chinese children close to death in exchange for jumpers and probably punch horses in the face and steal their eyes for marbles. They can afford to sell books at close to loss.
Q. Will you sell my book here?
A. No, it's shit. Really, really awful. Terrible. Get out of here.
@StuHall contributes to comedy website http://www.teamfishcake.co.uk and has a semi-regularly updated blog at http://www.
(PS No, that wasn't my voice in the clip. Thanks for asking though.)
Friday, 5 March 2010
First D.F. Guest Post: @Scriblit
Hello. I recently asked if anybody would like to write guest blogs here so a) I could keep this place ticking over while I work on getting Destinauts finished, and b) I could see if it worked as an experiment, judge the reaction and hopefully take the site in a slightly different direction if it works. I had a great response. Literally some of you have expressed an interest in contributing, and here I present the first of the guest blogs, a fantastic piece from @Scriblit. She's one of the wittiest people on Twitter, and if you're not following her, you really bloody should (oh, and check this site out). Enjoy (and please leave feedback!).
Like any mildly sarcastic, vaguely-disenfranchised-with-
1, He seems to genuinely enjoy The Apprentice, whereas I’d rather set myself on fire than watch a bunch of knobs act knobbishly in order to impress another knob.
2, A few months back, he wrote an article in which he claimed that women should run the world, since us laydeez would, in his opinion, do it much better than the men. Which is a terribly sweet sentiment, bless his cottons, but wrong, wrong, so very wrong. Gordon Brown in a Mankini Wrong.
Let’s not even start on the ‘women are less likely to start needless wars’ element to that proposal. There’s many a dead Argentinian sailor who would laugh heartily at that one, were they not, y’know, dead, and we’ve all seen Sarah ‘I use antlers in all of my deeeecorating’ Palin giving funny looks to any country that ends in ‘-an’. It’ll be fun if she ever gets within spitting distance of The Big Red Button. Fun in an ‘Oh God, Oh God, we’re all going to die’ sort of a way. Face it. Women get into stupid fights. Anyone who’s ever seen Jeremy Kyle would be able to tell you that. Let’s pretend that war doesn’t even factor into the equation. I still don’t believe that my fellow women would do a better job at running the world than men do.
I’m not going to start spouting bollocks about how women just aren’t cut out to run things because our fluffy brains are too full of lovely thoughts about rainbows and babies to do anything proper but are capable of ironing your pants and cooking your tea at the same time and my, isn’t that clever. If you’d ever seen my pathetic attempts at multi tasking (or, for that matter, ironing) you’d know why I scoff in the face of such cobblers. But, as annoying as I find the sweeping statement that all women Lack The Will Of The Warrior on a genetic level, the opposing sweeping statement irritates me just as much – the one that states that women are naturally more sensible, more understanding, more mature than men – that we are true grown-ups, rolling our eyes in fond despair as those silly manboys of ours goon childishly around us, messing stuff up for us to patiently fix later. I’m not sure what sort of world that gender divide exists in, because it’s certainly not one where nigh-on every electronic gadget has the option of coming in hot pink. It’s not one where ‘Supernatural Romance’ warrants an entire black-and-red corner of Waterstones. And it definitely isn’t one where grown women can pay $50 to get themselves Vajazzled.
Vajazzling is something I found out about this week, and really wish I hadn’t. The latest trend in absolutely bloody pointless and ridiculous cosmetic procedures. Apparently, these days, getting your entire body from the eyebrows down waxed bald is not enough for some of us. When you are Vajazzled, you celebrate your Love Glove’s new Kojak Hairdo by gluing fucking rhinestones to it. Yes. We have started to stick sequins onto our fannies. Because that’s what sensible and mature people do. It’s harmless at least, and women, of course, have the right to adorn their genitals however they wish. I could draw a crude portrait of Compo from Last of the Summer Wine in magic marker on mine if I really wanted. Women can make their Ladygardens look like Disco Stu’s jacket if they please, and I’m sure they will. Because women, like men, are perfectly capable of being absolutely idiotic overgrown children, pretty much all of the time.
Everything has to be shiny and sparkly for us these days, you see – our skin, our hair, our clothes, our fannies, even our vampires. I bet you any money that if a tablet were formulated that could make your shit look like a Christmas tree decoration, women would start taking it – even if it caused violent stomach cramps and had a 90% chance of causing arse cancer within three years. I’d still give it only a matter of months before Grazia had a list of the best places to get your sparkly poo pills and The Guardian would have a piece in their Saturday magazine agonising over whether glitter shit was actually the last word in emancipation. We’re like cats. Show us a piece of tin foil on the end of a bit of wool & it will apparently keep us happy for fucking hours. That may seem like an unfair exaggeration, but look at the media that’s produced for women – that we consume in depressingly vast amounts. Gossip mags and their low-rent, exploitative, ghoulish ‘Real Life’ cousins, anything with Jennifer Aniston in, Loose Women, Twilight, the “Femail” supplement – the last three in that list distressingly popular despite being about as Feminist as Jack the Ripper… I may be missing some complex subtleties in these things, but they have to me as much substance as a shiny thing dancing on the end of a ribbon.
And then there’s Mamma Mia. The highest grossing UK film of all time. As a female cinephile who knows what a tough industry film is for anyone to break into, let alone women, I’d like to say I’m very proud that the highest grossing UK film of all time is a low budget, feel-good yarn made by women, about women, for women. I’d like to, but I can’t, and I can’t because Mamma Mia is one of the worst films I’ve ever seen. It has no plot, no conflict, no characterisation, not a single original thought seems to have gone into making it. It’s poorly shot, poorly directed, poorly scripted and poorly acted. It is, essentially, an ABBA Karaoke video where somebody’s already taken the trouble to sing all the songs out of tune so you don’t have to. And then the rest of us ladies had to go out and buy the bloody thing in phenomenal numbers, sending it whizzing up the Highest Grossing Hit Parade and leading the makers to crow about how the fact that millions of women apparently want to watch Meryl Streep bouncing on a bed singing into her hairbrush like a cartoon 8-year-old makes their cinematic face-fuck some sort of triumph for Feminism. Somehow, I don’t think that’s the sort of thing Mrs Pankhurst was fighting for. Mamma Mia is just another Shiny Thing for us ridiculous, idiot child-women.
Sometimes I wish that things like Twilight and Mamma Mia are popular due to some never-seen throng of titted morons who slink into shops and cinemas, buy all the brainless tat they can get their claws on and then scuttle back to their caves, never to be heard of again. But that’s not the case. The people consuming Sparkly Things for overgrown children are my friends, my family – perfectly normal, smart women who I love and admire. And I’m no different. Don’t let my distaste for sequinned bajing-jings and horrible, derivative musicals fool you. I’m one of the idiot children myself. The way that I play video games is shamefully revealing of my reluctance to ever grow out of playing with dollies. I am addicted to The Sims – a game which is just cyber-dollies, pure and simple. I am capable of spending hours of my precious little free time creating them, dressing them, doing their hair, building houses for them, then making sexy boyfriends for them. Hee hee! I’m making them kiss! Now they’re going to get married! Now they have a pool house! Hee hee hee! – And I’m just as bad with other games. I’m far more likely to bother with a video game if it has pretty graphics and a girl character I can play as. I have all the Lara Croft games, regardless of their patchy quality throughout the series – as far as I’m concerned, Lara is my Action Barbie. Same goes for Taki from Soul Calibur. Oooh, the excitement when I was able to change her costume and create new characters to fight each other! My Original Characters folder is packed with mermaids, witches, princesses and a rather badass looking Snow White. When I’m not playing with virtual dolls, I’m excitedly discussing favourite programmes of my childhood. I have written Dungeons & Dragons Cartoon Erotica. My main reason for joining Twitter in the first place was that some of the actors who had played my childhood heroes in Star Trek TNG were on there. I am thirty years old.
Yes, men can be utterly ridiculous, gormless oversized children en-masse. But so can women, just as regularly. Please, guys. Never assume that women are going to be capable of being any more grown up than you. Think of us as blokes with tits – haplessly stumbling through life from one distraction to the other. We can’t really trust ourselves to go into HMV without coming out with a DVD about a sassy chihuahua and Il Divo Sing The Bee Gees on a double CD – how do you expect to trust us with running the planet?
Actually, I have lots more to say on the subject, just as long as I don’t get distrac…SQUIRREL!
If you want to write a guest blog, contact me on Twitter and we'll take it from there. :)
Thursday, 4 March 2010
Happy World Book Day, One And All!
“There are no accidents in my philosophy. Every effect must have its cause. The past is the cause of the present, and the present will be the cause of the future. All these are links in the endless chain stretching from the finite to the infinite.”Abraham Lincoln